I have not posted because I really have nothing nice to say and like the old saying goes - if you do not have anything nice to say do not say anything at all.
I have been a ball full of nerves the past week or so and I do not know why - I cannot seem to get a grip - I guess everything is just crashing down around me now. I am dreading the holidays - it only reminds me that I have no family and cannot even have a family of my own. I wish my brother did not live so far away.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year - because on Thanksgiving last year we told John's family we were pregnant - this year his mother does not even want to cook - they want to go out to eat - which I find odd and strange - I never ever went out to eat on Thanksgiving - but since I cook a huge meal and have the whole family over for Christmas - John did not want to do Thanksgiving at our house too - so it looks like we will be going out to eat this Thanksgiving.
Usually I am so into Christmas and decorating and buying gift - usually I am almost done my shopping by now and have moved on to wrapping - but this year I am sad and really do not want to celebrate Christmas at all - last year my brother and his family were here and I was so happy and this year I just keep thinking we should be hanging another stocking up this year and we are not.
But I cannot live in the past - I need to live in the present - I do not know what is going to happen in the future so I just need to live for now. I keep having the thought - in this moment I am happy.
I am grateful that I have a husband who loves me and a nice home and we both have good jobs when so many people are out of work - and I have great friends who truly care about me. I know I am very blessed.
Somedays - lets face it - most days I just think about the bad things and all that I do not have - so it really is a struggle for me right now to think of all the ways I am blessed - but I need to remember that I am blessed and I have alot of good things in my life. Now is the time to remember all the things you are thankful for.
5 comments:
So sorry this is a rough time. I am feeling it too- my dad was very sick in November and hovers like a cloud on all we do. And it's doubly bad when certain traditions aren't what you are expecting.
I do struggle with the same sometimes, focusing on the positive. You are not alone in that at all.
Maybe you could hang a stocking on your fireplace? And fill the stocking with wishes for your future child? Your baby was here and was real. I know it sounds strange, but I remember one friend had a mother who had 3 stillborn children and they had stockings. It may be morbid a bit, but so is sometimes, pretending like it didn't happen.
Anyways, I hope you find something that works for you my dear. You deserve to be happy!
I'm sorry you are struggling. It's when we are struggling the most that we need to stay focus on the blessings we have. I hope and pray that you will be able to enjoy the holidays and know that you are truly blessed. ((Hugs))
j~sounds that even though you are struggling you are working through those emotions and verbalizing them and understanding them is so important. The "day" is approaching our 1 year mark, the last of the big firsts, the mountain we thought we would never make it alive to. You are 100% allowed to feel those emotions and shouldn't feel bad that you haven't found your holiday spirit. You will. You have gone through so much loss in your life that you will crawl out of this even if it is slower than you had hoped. Many thoughts and prayers coming your way. j
I know you said you have been to counselling and your doctor and everything. Having been through a really rough year (and also a pretty rough history), I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. After reading all your entries, it really seems like you are stuck and just can't get out of your "rut". I truly think you are "clinically depressed." I know you mentioned before that a doc wanted to put you on meds and you were not agreeable but I am hoping you will reconsider. I did the whole infertility thing for the first 9 years of our marriage, lost both parents, you name it, life pretty much sucked. Only way out was seeing a great psychiatrist that VALIDATED my sadness and depression. Taking anti-depressants can alleviate alot of the "when will life stop kicking me in the ass" feeling.
I hope I don't sound out of line, just want you to know, been there...done that.
Lots of Love
Kimberly -Canada
I:ve been there. Thoughts and prayers coming your way.
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