New Job Went Really Well Today

I was so nervous but for no reason - it went so well. As you know it is not a new job per say because I am not making any additional money - my current boss is just pimping me out to another attorney and is getting a kickback somehow - or else he would not be doing this. But the new attorney like me so much he asked if I would be working to work for him on weekends and he would pay me - so I say yes and I will start working for him this Saturday - it will only be for a couple of hours when he needs me but it will be worth it - Yay for a second job.

I honestly feel blessed to know how two jobs when some people out there cannot even find one job. I know I am lucky and I am grateful for this - at least now it will be to my benefit instead of my current boss's benefit. I will still work my current job M-F and work one day a week for the other attorney under my boss and just get paid my normal pay but now I will also be working weekend and making extra money. I am excited.

I really liked it there - it was so calm - not having to deal with the drama of a drunk - for those who have read my blog for awhile - the VP of the company is a total drunk and comes into work drunk alot. But this new attorney really respects me and asked me what I want - I was not use to that - also he asked me what drinks I like so he stock the fridge with what I like - how nice is that - at my old job they will not even supply paper towels - let alone water for the fridge.

So I am a very happy camper today - things turned out way better then I thought they would - thank you all for the well wishes and encouragement - it means alot to me.

New Things

Tomorrow I start my new job - well I guess you can call it a new job - it is a different boss and a new office and a differnt kind of law - I will be learning all new things - I will only be working there one day a week on Thursdays - I hope it goes well.

Friday is my first therapy appointment - I am nervous - not really sure why. I told John that I was going to talk to someone and he is upset because he thinks she is going to tell me to divorce him - I told him that was just silly to think that. I feel like all it can do it help our marriage - not hurt it.

I met a blog friend on Sat. It was so great to meet her and be able to talk to someone in person who understands what I am going through. I wish her the best on her upcoming IVF cycle.

Found Someone to Talk to - and Pimped Out

I went on the Resolve website and found a counseler in my area. She specializes in infertility and loss and she takes my insurance which is wonderful. Her name is Susan and I have an appointment with her next Friday at 8 pm. I went to counseler back when I was about 12 years old because I was so scared my mom was dying and then again when my mother passed away - ironic huh - anyway - so I know what to expect.

At this point I am not sure if we are going to end up doing the FET in August - if things do not start to get better I am not sure if I want to move forward with treatments. I need to find out what I am doing and what I want. I asked John to go to counseling with me and again he said no. I plan on telling him tonight that I made an appointment for myself. Not sure how he will react.

Now to the pimping out - my boss called me into his office the day I got back from vacation - he was in there with another attorney - this other attorney is a good friend of my boss and I know him. Apparently this other attorney - we will call him B - lost his secretary and he needs someone to help him so my boss told him he could have me one day a week. I will have my normal hours and my normal lunch break - I will just report to B office and help him out on Thursdays. I do not get paid any extra for this - which I am not happy about - but I guess it is during my normal work hours - but I feel like my boss pimped me out. Now it is like I am started a whole new job.

I am due for a raise in June and I fully intend to ask for one now. I should be happy that I get to have a new experience and see how a normal office works without a drunk and an opportunity to learn but I just feel like I am getting used and passed around - like I am an object - not a person.

Punta Cana

Lost

"Sometimes you dismiss the good stuff too easily and hang on the the bad stuff"

This is what one of my dear friends said to me the other day - and she is 100% right. I am so lost right now. I am not sure what I want or where I want to go or what I want for my life.

I know I am not happy but I am not sure what will make me happy either. So I have decided after a ton of people telling me to talk to someone that I am going to do just that.

I am going to make an appointment to talk to someone because I need to - I cannot do this on my own anymore - I am struggling inside.

Most days I question why my miscarriage happened? Am I not suppose to be a parent - is there a reason we are struggling to get pregnant - are we not meant to be together. Or is it just because I will come out of this a better mom in the end. I am not really sure at this point and I really need to find out before heading into another treatment cycle.

Not Much to Report

I have not really had much to say so I have not posted.

We have our timeline set up for the FET - August is a good month - my brithday is that month and my SIL is due that month - and if it works it will mean a May baby - May is a good time of year to have a baby.

I am still working out 4 to 5 times a week and trying to watch what I eat - but I still have not lost any weight - my MIL and SIL say I look thinner so maybe I lost inches. I really like the treadmill because it helps me relieve my stress so I am going to keep doing it - even it I do not lose any weight.

I am trying to love my body for what it is now - I have put my body through so much in the past couple years - even the pass couple of months have been hard on my body so I am going to cut myself some slack - yes I would love to lose 10 pounds before going into my FET in August - but I am not going to go crazy if that does not happen.

I still think about our baby alot - especially when I see my SIL belly growing and her baby kicking - knowing that should be me too - but each day gets easier.

FET Plan

I called my RE today to see if I needed to come in to speak with someone regarding doing a FET in the summer and she said there was no need. She is going to have my doctor go over my chart and set up what type of plan he wants to do and then she is going to call me back later today - yay!!!!

She said I will either do a drug free - natural cycle where they just montior you with ultrasounds. I guess kinda like a IUI and then do the transfer or they will shut down my system with estorgen.

Update: She just called and said that the doctor will have me do a natural cycle. That I am to call when I get my period for the cycle month in which I would like to start and they will start me on antibodics, baby aspirin and pre natal vitamins, then they will bring me on around CD 9 or 10 for ultrasound, etc. to see if I am ready for the transfer - I guess. I will have to get my bloodword redone since it has been so long since I have had it done - which is no big deal.

Only one issue - last year the lab at my RE office shut down in August for two weeks so that is why I wanted to do my FET in July - but this year it is shutting down for 2 weeks earlier - from June 22nd to July 12th - so now it looks like my FET is going to have to be pushed to August - so I would call when I got my period at the end of July and start the process!!!!

I will have to go in for the bloodwork in the beginning of July sometime. At least now I have a plan and a timeline!!!!

Everyone Has Children

And I am sick of it - I really need to find some friends that do not have children.

I must say it is very different when children are around - I just do not get the way parents act - and I know I will never get it until I have children of my own. It is just a world I do not understand.

It seems like John and I are the last people on earth to have children right now. I feel like we do not fit in - like it is a club we cannot be a part of and I am sick of it.

I feel like such an outcast.