My Christmas In Pictures

Merry Christmas

I hope everyone has a Safe, Happy, Healthy and Merry Christmas - and for those who do not celebrate Christmas - I hope you enjoy whatever Holiday you celebrate.

Good weekend

We had a good weekend celebrating with some family. Here are some pictures.

I freak out when it Snows

Yes I am on of those people. Even though I have lived in PA all of my life and it snows here every single year I am still so scared of it.

I hate snow and it would not be so bad if I never had to drive it in - that is my worse fear. It snowed here in PA for the first time of the season yesterday. It was not much - less than a inch but it was a nice coating that made the roads very very slippery - which in turn made everyone drive very very slow. My usual 20 mins drive home from work took me about 90 mins. But I did not mind because even though I did not do about 20 MPH on the way home I still was sliding all over the place.

Another reason for hating the snow is my husband always has to work it it - even though we did not have plowable snow - he still had to go out and shovel all the walk ways and salt everything to make sure no one slipped and fell.

We were suppose to go to his work Christmas party last night - but due to the stupid snow we could not go - my husband did not even get home until 10 pm.

I need to move to a place where we never get snow. My makes me far too stressed out. Now if it happened on a Saturday night and I could sit home with my husband by a fire - then it would be nice - but that will never happen.

I just hope that it is not as bad as it was last year.

My Christmas List

My big gift- A Laptop

New Pair of Uggs - because a girl can never have enough - LOL

Cute Sweater from New York & Company

Books

Glove, Hat and Scraf Set from New York & Company

Cute Little Snowman Candle from Bath and Body Works

What are you asking for this year for Christmas?? Share you Christmas list with me!!

A Few of my Favorite Things

In an effort to be more positive I would like to share a few of my favorite things.

1. Uggs - I know they are so three years ago and ugly to boot but they are so comfy and I love them!!

2. Candy Cane Green Tea from Trader Joes - if you had not tried it yet - get a box - so great this time of year!!

3. Original epiosdes of 90201 on SoapNet - I can spend hours on the weekends watching these - brings me back to simplier days.

4. Costume Jewelry - I use to be all about only wearing real jewelry - not anymore - there is so many cute things out there to try.

5. Hatha Yoga Class - so relaxing yet energizing at the same time.

6. Pumpkin Pie with Cool Whip!

What are some of your favorite things??

Living in the Present

Is a struggle for me - I keep thinking about this time last year and how happy I was - or before IF and how blissfully unaware of was of how hard it would be to start a family or when I was 18 and before my life changed forever when my mom died. But I have to stop living in the past - I need to live for right now. Alot of my friends have commented on how I seem to be stuck in the past.

My one friend said I am too hard on myself and I have had a rough year and I need to give myself credit for the positive things I am doing to move forward. I have been trying really hard to get out of my depression and sickness I feel. I am going to therapy once a week - I am taking yoga twice a week and also taking acupuncture once a week - my work week is completely filled with all these appointments. I have also started meditating at home.

All of these things are great steps forward but do not seem to be working - so I am taking the advice of alot of my blog readers on here and I made an appointment to have an evaluation to see if I need to be put on some kind of anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medication. I have really resisted this for a long time and it is not something I really want to do at all - but I have exhausted all of my other options and I really am having a hard time coping and dealing with everyday stress. My appointment is for December 23rd - it was the first one they could give me. I was told it would just take the edge off and I think that is what I need.

Found out I was pregnant one year ago today

November 23, 2009 was the happiest day of my life - beside the day I got married - because it was the day that we found out after years of struggling, tons of medicaiton, and appointments and procedures that we were finally pregnant. I remember getting my bloodwork done in the morning and then telling them to call my cell phone and leave a message with the results so John and I could listen to it together - well they called at 11 am - I could not wait until that evening to know - so I drove up to John's work on my lunch break and listen to it in the car - we were so happy to hear you are pregnant with a beta of 604. I was smiling so much that day my face hurt. Sadly I do not have a baby right now - but I will always remember my little bean.

As 2010 is coming to a close I am praying next year is not going to be filled with sadness but filled with happiness and good memories and maybe even another call at some point from my RE saying you are pregnant again. My little bean was too beautiful for this earth but will always be remembered.

Struggling yet Grateful

I have not posted because I really have nothing nice to say and like the old saying goes - if you do not have anything nice to say do not say anything at all.

I have been a ball full of nerves the past week or so and I do not know why - I cannot seem to get a grip - I guess everything is just crashing down around me now. I am dreading the holidays - it only reminds me that I have no family and cannot even have a family of my own. I wish my brother did not live so far away.

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year - because on Thanksgiving last year we told John's family we were pregnant - this year his mother does not even want to cook - they want to go out to eat - which I find odd and strange - I never ever went out to eat on Thanksgiving - but since I cook a huge meal and have the whole family over for Christmas - John did not want to do Thanksgiving at our house too - so it looks like we will be going out to eat this Thanksgiving.

Usually I am so into Christmas and decorating and buying gift - usually I am almost done my shopping by now and have moved on to wrapping - but this year I am sad and really do not want to celebrate Christmas at all - last year my brother and his family were here and I was so happy and this year I just keep thinking we should be hanging another stocking up this year and we are not.

But I cannot live in the past - I need to live in the present - I do not know what is going to happen in the future so I just need to live for now. I keep having the thought - in this moment I am happy.

I am grateful that I have a husband who loves me and a nice home and we both have good jobs when so many people are out of work - and I have great friends who truly care about me. I know I am very blessed.

Somedays - lets face it - most days I just think about the bad things and all that I do not have - so it really is a struggle for me right now to think of all the ways I am blessed - but I need to remember that I am blessed and I have alot of good things in my life. Now is the time to remember all the things you are thankful for.

Acupuncture

I had my first acupuncture appointment yesterday - it went pretty well. She is very nice and took the time to listen to me and what I want to get out of this whole process. We talked for about an hour about everything and then we did a treatment. I have 7 needles stuck in me - one in my chest - two in my stomach - two in my legs and two in my feet - they did not hurt at all - she left me to lay there and relax with some nice music and that would of been fine for a couple of mins - I would say 15 or 20 mins - but no she left me there for an hour - which was way to long for me to lay still and relax - I hope in time I can learn to relax more with the treatments but all I wanted to do after about 20 mins was get up and get out of there.

I do not feel any different in fact I feel worse today - my friend says it is my toxins leaving my body - she did tell me to drink more water which is what I am going to try to do and she also said I need to eat something right when I wake up and that may help settle my stomach for the day - I will try that too. I am willing to try anything to feel better.

In other news my ears have been clogged and I could not get an appointment with my regular ENT doctor so I went to a different doctor yesterday and he looked at my tongue and said it was not thrush that it was geographic tongue and nothing to worry about - which is also what my dentist said - so now I do not know what to believe.

I did ask the acupunctist and she said that she does not think my tongue is a problem - she said as long as it does not bother me I should not worry about it - she said she has seen way worse tongues.

Transfer One Year Ago Today

I cannot believe it has been a year since my egg transfer. It makes me sad - things were suppose to be so different. Now I understand though that things work out the way they are suppose to work and and just because we are not parents now does not mean we will never be parents - when the time is right the baby we are meant to have will be ours.

Chistmas Shopping and Acupuncture

I have decided to really cut back on Christmas this year - it is getting out of hand and to expensive for us now all of our family and friends have children. So instead of buying for the parents and the children - I have decided I am only buying for the children - Christmas is for chidlren anyway. I also asked my boss if instead of gifts we could just all bring in some food and have a nice breakfast on Christmas Eve since I have to work on Christmas Eve for half a day - mind as well have some nice food to eat and that cuts back on having to buy more gifts.

I have decided to try acupuncture to help with my stomach issues and tongue issues and may also help with my depression problems - I contacted a women and she said she could help me - I have my first appointment next Tuesday. I have also decided to stop going to the nutionist - he is not helping me - I have been going there for over 2 months now and have taking a ton of supplements and nothing is working.

As for John and I we are doing pretty well right now - we are still learning and still building on our marriage but I feel like the communication is flowing. We also have a plan in place. We are going to try and save all winter. Then in the Spring we are going to visit my brother and his family in CA and take a trip to Las Vegas and then in May or June we are going to try a FET. I think, hope, and pray by then I will be back to feeling normal again and our marriage will be back on track. It is nice to have a plan in place as I am a constant planner.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day.

Happy Halloween

My tongue and stomach issues

For those who have just started following my blog - I have been sick since June.

First it started with my stomach and my bowels - everytime I ate something I went to the bathroom - I was losing weight and went to my PCP - he ran a ton of test on me and determined that I had C-Diff - which is a baterial infection which I got from my godmother that had C-Diff and was in the hospital for it - during the time of taking the antibiotic I got thrush on my tongue. Well it turns out that I did not have C-Diff and he just assumed I had it. The antibiotic made me sicker than I was before I started it - maybe it was because I did not have C-Diff.

I went to the hospital for the thrush and they gave me Dilfican (sp?) - After the antibiotics my stomach did not get any better so I went to a gastro. doctor and he ran a ton of test including a colonoscopy and found nothing. He saw that I still had the thrush as well and he gave me another round of Dlifican (sp?)

The only thing that helped my stomach was a huge change in my diet - I cut out all processed food and junk foods and cut back alot on sugar. I started taking a probiotic in addtion to eating yogurt everyday - I started taking yoga classes and going to therapy thinking it must all be in my head.

I went to my dentist about my tongue and he said it was nothing to be concerned about. So then I went to an ENT doctor and he said I was bitting my tongue and I had thrush - a bad case of it and it was embeded in my tastebuds. He gave me a new kind of medicine that I had to put on my gum and let it melt away - it worked and the tongue was getting better.

At the same time I started seeing a nutionist - who specialized in applied kinesiology - he said my stomach was very weak and so was my liver - he put me on about four different supplements for my stomach and tongue. After I went off the medication that the ENT doctor prescribed to me the trush it came back in full force.

I have another appointment with the ENT doctor to get tested for food allergies on Nov. 16th - but at this point I really think I have tried everything and I do not know what else to do. Maybe I am holding all of my stress inside and it is taking a toll on my body - I am not sure.

My friend suggested acupuncture so I may give that a try - I am willing to do anything at this point to get healthy - so like I said if anyone has any ideas - please share them with me.

Thank you.

What a Mess

John showed up to counseling which is a huge step for him - he looked so very uncomfortable but he said he wanted to show me that our marriage is important to him. In counseling we found out that I get frustrated with him and he gets annoyed with me - not much of what we did not already know. Just him being there was enough for me.

I have been feeling sick again - like I did this past summer. I went back to the nutrionist yesterday and he says I have a stomach infection. My tongue is still a mess and nothing is working - I feel like the nutrionist is even giving up on me at this point. I really do not know what else to do - I am thinking of calling an oral surgeron. I do have another appointment with the ENT doctor on November 16th and I will finally get tested for food allergies.

I am just so frustrated - I just want to be healthy - I started mediating which I am really liking - even though I can only do it for a couple of minutes at at time - it is nice to just sit and be for awhile - but of course that let to crying. I feel like God is punishing me for doing IVF and putting all those drugs in my body - I have not felt like myself since June - I keeep think I am getting better and then I end up getting worse.

I should of never gone to the hospital for my godmother and I should not of been around her when she was so sick - I am really trying to distance myself from her but she keeps calling me - I did tell her last night that I am sick and cannot be around her right now.

All I want is to be healthy and have a family - is that so much to ask.

If anyone has any ideas of what I can do to help my tongue and tummy - I am open to trying anything at this point.

Feeling Lost

I do not know what to do next - I do not know where to turn or what is right anymore.

I know my marriage is not in the best place and I know both John and I are depressed but I do not know what to do about it. If he will not go to counseling I cannot make him.

I hate that we had a miscarriage and that it has basically runied our marriage - I hate that we do not have a three month old baby now and wish we were getting all ready for the baby's first Halloween.

I am actually really sad and just feeling so blue lately - because this time last year was filled with so much excitement - I was right in the middle of my IVF and doing the injections and going for follie scans. I am mad that we are worse off now then we were last year.

I keep wanting to move forward and be better and try again - but it all seems to much for me right now.

I have to make some serious decisions about what I am going to do but I am at a crossroads and not sure how to proceed. It is all exhausting to me and all I want is for things to get better. But I know they cannot get better without any action on my part. It is a vicous cycle.

I know this blog has been so depressing and boring and I read other women's blog who have miscarried and been through way worse than me - they bounce back - why can't I???

I feel like it is always one step ahead - two steps behind with me.

Weekend

John is really stepping it up since he did not show up to counseling on Wednesday - not sure if he feels gulity or he knows things need to change. He was home most of the weekend which I loved. On Friday night we just spend the night in watching tv and had chinese food for dinner. Saturday we both worked and then we spend the evening together and actually ended up going to bed at 9 pm - which is sad since we are young with no children and it was a Saturday night but I guess we were sleepy. On Sunday he woke up and made me breakfast and then topped our tree out front of our house which I have been asking him to do for about 6 weeks and then instead of going up his friend's house like he normally does on Sunday to watch the football games - he stayed home with me - it was nice.

I still want him to come to counseling on Wednesday and as of right now he said he would - but I know that can change. I am really hoping things are starting to turn around.

As far as my health goes I have been stressed beyond belief between work, my husband, and my godmother - but now I think I have the godmother situation under control and I have to just learn how to say no from now on. I am trying to get to yoga class twice a week and I am going to take up mediation to see if that will help with the stress.

Trying not to get too ahead of myself is an ongoing battle for me - I am really trying to work on myself. I still think about having a family all of the time but I know now is not the right time. John and I both have to get back on track - not only in our marriage but also with ourselves.

I hope everyone has a wonderful week.

No Show

My husband did not come to therapy - he had to work late - I was so very upset - knowing somehow someway he could of gotten out of work and come to the appointment. He said he really could not and that he is coming next week - the therapist told me to just tell him I was disappointed and see if he shows up next week.

He knew how upset I was so he did step up for me in a big way last night. I have a godmother that has been very sick and I have been taking care of her for months - but she is getting worse and worse and it is beginning to be too much for me.

Anyway - last night she was being sent home from the hospital for the 4th time - I had to pick her up - now she is not blood realted to me and I have asked her family several times to help me - she has no children and her husband is gone but she has a ton of extended family. Anyway - John meets me at her house to help her in the house - we had to clean her bedroom - change the sheets - do the wash - clean the bathrooms - go food shopping and pick up her medicine - and make her something to eat - John helped with everything and did not complain once and then took me out to dinner afterwards since we were there for 3 hours and it was too late to cook something.

So for the past couple of months I have been asking the family to step in and help and I have also been asking my godmother if I can call in help and see what she qualifies for free assistance. She kepts saying no and says she is fine and so does the family so I got to my breaking point yesterday - I was only suppose to drop her off at home and the niece was suppose to be there to do all the things listed above that John and I had to do - well she decided she was not coming until this morning - meaning I had to do everything - so I wrote to her and told them I am done. I cannot handle this anymore I need to take care of myself and my health issues and you would think they would thank me for all I have done - nope they yelled at me saying to butt out and it is none of my business and I should not be telling my godmother she needs additional help. Hello she can barely walk from her bedroom to her kitchen and she lives alone - she needs help.

I am not going to let her family get under my skin - I said my peace - I told them I cannot handle it anymore and they are suppose to step in now - I will just have to start saying no to my godmother when she ask me for things so she will go to them for help. It is not that I do not love her and want her to be okay - it is just that it is too much on me now - I have been helping her and doing her errands and taking care of her since February and enough is enough. She lives alone and is sick and old - she needs more help then I can give her at this point.

4 years ago

Sometimes I wish I could go back to four years ago - I know it is not good to live in the past but 4 years ago we had just started TTC actively - we were newly married - and even though at that point we had already been together for six years we were still so madly in love and happy. We did not have a care in the world and we have no clue the sorrow, pain, sadness, and loss that was ahead of us. I am praying we can look back on the next four years and say our life was difficult then but we made it through the bad times and we are stronger than ever.

Tonight is our therapy appointment - I am praying John shows up - I told him how important it is that he comes with me. He said he would come - we will see what happens. I am so ready to be on the road to recovery with this marriage - but I cannot move forward alone - I pray he start actively trying to work on this marriage.

Today is also my niece Emma's 4th birthday - I will never forget this day - my brother and SIL were stationed and NC. When my brother send me that first picture of her I was in love - just by looking at her picture I was so in love. I can only imagine the love I will feel for my own child because the love I feel for my nieces is so great. I cannot believe she is 4 years old already - time flys. I attached our very first picture together - she was less than a month old.

Warning - Post Full of Complaints

Every single time I take a step forward I end up taking two steps back. My husband is a mess and I am so very sick of trying - Church on Sunday was a major fail and I will not even get into that. I get that he is depressed but he refuses to get help and I cannot take anymore of it - I have tried to be patient I really have but I am at the point where I am done trying.

My huband has always been a hard worker and a good provider - but lately not so much. He has become the most laziest man I have ever met. I will give you some examples. Christmas last year our roof leaked into our kitchen so the ceiling had to be taken out and replaced - yet it was never replaced - I have this beautiful remodeled kitchen with a huge hole in the ceiling that has been there almost a year and John can fix it but will not fix it.

Example two - when I got my car inspected in March I was told I needed new tries - it is John's job to handle the stuff with the cars because I do almost everything else - can you guess that I have yet to get new tires and it is now October.

He use to work weekends but not anymore and we could use the extra cash - especially with Christmas coming up - if I can work 6 days a week and do everything for our house - including paying the bills, food shopping, doing the wash, cleaning, etc, etc, etc - then he can do the simple project around the house and start working again on the weekends.

So I am so angry right now - I think I have to call someone to come fix our ceiling and top our tree out front and pay to get tires put on - when he can do all of this stuff but he is so lazy. I will have to waste money when he can do it - but I cannot wait anymore - these things need to get done.

I asked him if he was still coming to counseling on Wendnesday - he said he was - if he does not come then I think I will seriously give up - I have tried for so long now - what else can I do - I have begged him to get help - begged him to talk to me - to talk to anyone - instead he just closes up and becomes lazy and refuses help. I cannot live like this anymore - it has been almost a year since our miscarriage - I need to move forward.

The thing I am most scared about - is I am going to move forward and he will stay behind and that will mark the beginning of the end for us. How can I help someone who refuses to be helped.

I just really wish life was easier.

Baby Steps

So I am going to listen to my husband and wait until the Spring to do a treatment - we spoke about it and not only is it bad timing as far as the weather goes and his business obligations but also he is still afraid of what will happen and what could possible happen to me now that we know about the blood clotting disorder - I just think he needs more time and what is a few months being that we have been TTC for over 4 years now.

My therapist asked if he would join us next week and I asked John and he said he would come to the session next week - which is a huge step for him - so I think we are both making progress - we may not be on the same page but we are getting there.

We also decided to go back to church - we are going this Sunday for the first time in 4 years and the priest that married us is the one who is doing the mass which I am very happy about.

Baby steps - but at least we are moving foward.

Tired Hubby

My Favorite Place to Be

THE COFFEE SHOP

This weekend I enjoyed a pumpkin latte and an apple caramel latte - yum - I love Fall!!!

Getting the Baby Itch

I am feeling good - things I hope and believe are going in a positive direction now. The supplements, medicine and yoga I believe are helping - ALOT.

So that has got me thinking of TTC again. I am beginning to come out of my depression over the miscarriage and I am ready to grow and move forward.

My husband on the other hand is not. I told him I would really love to do a treatment in January - new year - fresh start - well he shot that right now - he says he is not ready and thinks spring would be a better time to do our next treatment. Spring is so far away.

I guess I have to respect that he is still grieveing and that the loss of our child was harder on him because he has never had a loss before - unlike me who has had a ton of loss in my life.

But I am scare we will never be on the same page again. He already said he only wants to do one more treatment and if it does not work he does not have the strength to go through it again - and all I can think is I am the one that has to do all of the work. But I have to understand that he is a part of this too.

I have to respect his feelings but at the same time I want to move forward. Has anyone else dealt with this type of situation - where one partner is ready to move forward but the other is not?? What did you do? How did it work out?

LOVE

Allergy Testing - FAIL

I went in for my testing for food allergies yesterday - first they tested it on my skin to make sure I did not have a serious reaction. After that she became sticking the needles in me to test me and we were talking and I said I cannot believe I am getting tested for 96 different food allergies and she said oh you are not being tested for food allergy you are being tested for regular allergies.

I said no I am suppose to be tested for food allergies. She looked at my chart and said the doctor only has you marked down as allegies and I said yes but I am telling you it is for food allergies and she said the doctor was away on vacation until next week and she cannot make that call. I will have to call back next week - speak with him or leave a message for him and see if he wants to do the food allergy testing.

So I am allergic to maple, dust mites and cockroaches - which is strange that they even test for cockroaches. I have to wait and call back and set up yet another appointment to be testing for food allergies. I almost feel like they did this on purpose to be able to bill me twice.

Everything Happens for a Reason

It is cold, dark and nasty outside today - the kind of day that makes you want to stay in bed.

But I feel good today - I believe the supplements and medication are working on my thrush because it seems to be getting better.

I am trying to focus on the positive now and let go of all the negative. Yes I have a blood clotting disorder - but it is better that I know about it rather than not know about it - yes I have thrush and have not been in the best health but I am working on that and getting better.

Yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of my mother's death - I cannot believe she has been gone 10 years already - I am at peace now with her dying so young - I use to be angry that I did not get to live my life and had to take care of everything at such a young age - but maybe that is the way my life was suppose to go - and losing your mother and such a young age and becoming an oprhan - my life could of ended up way different - I could of gone down alot of bad roads but I did not - that is because I had good parenting and a stong foundation.

We were poor growing up - poor as on Welfare and Housing Assistance, poor as there was not always enough food in the house. There was alot of drinkers and drug addicts in our family and you would think that since my brother and I were left on our own at 17 and 19 years old respectively that we would easily turn to what was around us - but we did not - we got jobs - we went to school - we worked hard to be better - neither one of us to this day drink or do drugs - neither of us are on welfare or housing assistance. My brother is a Marine and has fought for his country. I believe that all started with my mother and how she raised us.

I turned my life around before and I can do it again - things are going to get better. Just like 10 years ago when my life forever changed - I knew nothing was ever going to be the same - I knew I was not going to be able to go off to college with my friends - but it did not turn out so bad and looking back now I can see that - so maybe 10 years from now I will be able to look back on my miscarrage and how bad this year has been and see what I needed to gain and learn from it. I do believe everything happens for a reason. We may just not know all of the reasons yet.

Today is a good day and tomorrow is going to be a even better day.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day.

Hopeful

Thank you for all of the wonderful advice on how to destress. I appreciate it and I am going to take some of the advice - starting tonight - I am going to take a bath - I have not taken a bath since we moved into our house almost 6 years ago.

I am taking yoga class twice a week and I am going to a therapist once a week - and it is helping. I think I just need time. My therapist did offer for me to get a pysch exam to see if I need medication. I told her I would think about it. She said I have not properly grieved for the loss of my baby and I have not grieved all the bad news I have been getting as far as my health is concerned. She said I have to take one thing at a time and not get to ahead of myself.

Now onto the hopeful part. I went to a Nutritionist yesterday for the first time and it was great. He said that I am under alot of stress which is affecting my digestion - he said I have alot of problems with my stomach and liver. He put me on some supplements. I am taking another probiotic, two digestive enzymes and a supplement for my thrush with Kale and Brussel Sprouts. I have to go back in two weeks to see how I am doing - he said I should feel a change by then and start to feel better. I sure hope this works - but I am hopeful right now.

I am so ready for things to start turning around and for good things to start happening.

How do you DESTRESS??

I need help - I need some advice or options on how a person destresses. Things have gone from bad to worse with me and it is all because of stress. My body is bascially turning on me and I do not like it.

I went to the allergist / ears nose and throat doctor yesterday and after waiting for more than two hours to see him I got some more bad news. Apparently I have thrush - as we all already know - but apparently it is really bad because it is enbeded in my tastebuds and is a direct link to stress - he even asked me about my stress level. I am on a new drug now where I have this pill I am suppose to put in my upper gum and it is suppose to disslove during the course of the day - I will be on it for 14 days - and if that does not work then I will have to go back for more testing - because this may become a serious issue.

The doctor also thinks my bowel problems (which thankfully are better) are directly linked with this tongue issue. Oh and the bumps on the sides of my tongue that I was so concerned about - yeah that is me biting my tongue in my sleep and hard - which again is because of stress.

So I ask my blog readers - how do you deal with stress - how do you handle it - what do you do to ease it and get through the day??

At this point I am even thinking about turning to antidepressants or some sort of medication to help with this - because I do not know what else to do.

I do not feel stressed but apparently my body is holding all of it in. I did ask my husband for help - I said to him that he really needs to start taking care of things and taking care of me - I always take care of him but who is there to take care of me??

Maybe my miscarriage was harder on me than I would like to admit.

I am praying that this medicine works and my tongue goes back to normal - but if I do not deal with my stress it could come right back. I am trying to envision a healthy body and mind.

Thank you and a Update

Thank you so much for all of your kind and caring comments - I know I am not alone and that means so much to me.

Things are pretty much still the same. I am going back to yoga today and I go to the Ears, Nose and Throat doctor tomorrow - hopefully he can figure out what is going on with me and test me for allegies.

I have an appointment with my therapist on Wednesday which always makes me feel better and an appointment with a nutrionist on Thursday - it will be interesting to see what he has to say.

I went and got a facial this weekend - it was relaxing - I am trying to do everything I can to destress and relax - I am so worked up and overwhlemed.

I feel like everything is just really up in the air right now. John is really not doing well at all and has not been doing well since we lost the baby - he has basically just checked out of life - it makes me sad and angry. Some days are better than other - but he will not get help - I tried.

I asked him if he may want to do a treatment in January - new year fresh start and all and he said he was not sure if he wants to go through it all again. It breaks my heart that he is hurting so bad - but he cannot just check out of life and this marriage - it is not fair.

Lots of Hurting

I am really trying to stay postive - but not for nothing - this year has SUCKED. I lost my little bean on Jan. 7th - D & C Jan. 13th. and from there it has gone downhill.

I thought of leaving my house - seriously thought of leaving him between Feb. and May.

I have been so sick all summer - and just when I thought I was getting better now I am having all these problems with my tongue - apparently it is not thrush like they originally thought it was. I am going to a ears, nose and throat doctor next week.

I am trying to work out now - taking two yoga class a week - and of course I pulled a ton of muscles.

To add icing on this cake - the RE office called me and let me know it has been a year since we started our IVF - I knew they would be calling - I know they want $ 750.00 for the storage of our embyos for another year - but the call still stung alot. I should have a baby now - not be wondering if I will ever get to do a treatment again and if my health will ever get back on track.

I am still on my diet of mostly organic and no processed foods with little sugar - I am so use to it now - I do not think I will ever go back to the way I use to eat - but what is really killing me is I am eating good, exercising and I do not smoke or drink and yet I am still so sick - I am now getting a cold.

Then my mom's 10 year anniversary of her death is coming up on Oct. 3rd. She loved Michael Bolton - and he is on Dancing with the Stars this season - I know she would of loved that. I miss her so much and wish she was here to keep me everything will be okay and everything will work out.

Things are not so great with John either - I am trying but maybe I am being overbearing - I want us to go to couples counseling but I do not think he will be willing to do that.

Right now everything seems so bad - I am just ready for change - I am ready for some good things to start happening.

I thought if I took some good directions in my life - like working out and eating better and seeing a therapist that things would start turning around - but they have not yet - maybe I just have to try harder.

I want a family so badly - but I cannot even think of doing a treatment right now with my health being like this and all I can think if I am this unhealthy now - at 29 - what is it going to be like for me as I get older.

Sorry for the rambling - I just had to get it out.

Just a Couple

I write alot about the things I am missing - the family I so desire - but this weekend really got me thinking about all the good things I have in my life right now.

Not for nothing but everything changes when you have a baby - their needs come first - always. So I will admit - I like my selfish time. I like that I was able to go to the store on Friday night and get myself new outfits without feeling guilty - I like that I can come and go as I please.

If I had a child I would not be able to come and go as I please and spend money like I do - go out to dinner on a whim and sleep in - so they are some of the nice things I can do since I am childless.

I am very grateful for the life I have. I know there are so many benefits to having a family but I just wanted to say it is not so bad - just being a couple.

How good it is to get away

We went down the shore this weekend and it was so nice to just get away from it all and reconnect with my hubby - we had a great time - we even did some old time photos which was alot of fun. The food did not agree with my very plain diet or my tummy for that matter but it was worth it.

More Questions for those dealing with Blood Clotting Disorders

I have two copies of the homozygous C677T mutation of MTHFR.

Also my homocysteline level is raised. Normal is 10 - mine is 12.8 - which is not too high but still off the scale.

I will need to be on B6 and B12 vitamins for the rest of my life. Once I start treatments again I will need to be on a higher level of folic acid and lovenox.

I read on the boards that there is this pill called Flogard - which contains the B vitamins and the extra folic acid that is needed to sustain a pregnancy so I think I may look into that - has anyone else been on this pill during pregnancy??

What else do to I need to know - is there other medications or vitamins or supplements I should be taking??

I am wondering if I add this vitamins to my diet if I could get pregnant on my own??

I am not sure where we stand on TTC now - I have to think about how I want to proceed.

Also those with a blood clotting disorder - do you have to see a special OB or a high risk OB??

Any information is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

I have the C677T Mutation of MTHFR

What ever that means - LOL!!!

It is associated with increased plasma homocysteine levels, a risk factor for coronary disease and venous thrombosis.

It is genetic - thanks mom and dad!

It means that I was not giving my baby enough vitamins and nutrients when I was pregnant and that is why I miscarried.

I have to start on B6 and B12 right away. If I decide to do a treatment again I will have to be on double the folic acid and lovenox everyday. I already checked it out and the injection is covered by insurance - thank goodness because if not then it would cost $ 1,000 a month. Also I will need to see the hemologist once a week to test my blood levels while pregnant.

It was a bit overwhelming and alot of information to take in but at least now we know and hopefully can prevent another miscarriage from happening.

Nervous

I have my appointment with the hemologist tomorrow. I am praying that everything goes okay and it is a simple and common blood clotting disorder and not something more serious. I need a break here - a chance to be normal.

The newest member of the family

John's youngest sister had her baby on September 1st. His name is Gavin Christopher - he is so small and so cute - I held him for about 2 hours - I did not want to let him go.

Feeling Thankful Today

I am very fortunate in my life and like many I do take it for granted sometimes.

They news reported the the umployment rates may jump to 10% but I feel thankful that I not only have one job but I have two jobs and instead of complaing about how much I work I am thankful that I have jobs and money coming in and good health benefits.

I am also thankful for my husband. Things have not been so great between us since we lost the baby - to the point where I was even thinking of leaving him in May - but we are learning and communicating and trying to work on our marriage - we have been together 10 years and I hope we can stay together a lifetime. I am thankful today for his love.

I am thankful for family - I do not have much of a family but my husband has a huge family - and my SIL - John's youngest sister just had her first baby two days ago - he is healthy and beautiful - and yes I am sad because our children would of only been one month apart and would of grown up together - but I am happy for her - that she has started her own little family and both she and the baby are doing well.

I am so thankful that my brother and his wife decided to work things out and not get a divorce - they seem happier than ever now. Sometimes we just need time away from each other to realize what we have.

I have a husband who loves me and is willing to work on our marriage and life together, I have two jobs - granted they may not be the best working situations but they put money in my pocket and pay my bills. I have great friends and the support of wonderful women which I have never met in real life but have come to care for online. I have a lovely home and I know one day I will have the family I so desire. My time will come.

What are you thankful for today??

End of Summer BBQ

We had a BBQ this weekend and it went so well. I am feeling pretty much bad to normal so it was so fun to hang out with our friends - we played rock band - as you can see in the pictures above and just had a great time - it was nice to have some fun after being so sick all summer.

My Birthday

It was pretty low key - I did have a nice dinner with the hubby and then the neighbors and my cousin came over and John got me a cake and we all had some cake - it was just they way I wanted it to be.

Therapy is going well - she said I am depressed and full of anixety - I think that is where alot of my health issues are coming from. I am doing pretty well now - the thrush is almost gone and the bowels are somewhat under control. I am still on my special diet - but I am a bit concerned about it because I keep losing weight - I lost 16 pounds so far - I am down to 124 pounds and I really do not want to go past 120. I think I need to add more food into my diet - my husband says I am not eating enough. I am just nervous to eat because of all the bowel problems. It is a vicious cycle.

Trader Joe's has become my new best friend - I love that place - my favorite snack right now is organic popcorn with olive oil - so good - I am really just not eating processed foods and alot of organic foods - no junk.

On the baby front - I think if I can get my health in order and tackle some of my anixety with the therapist then I will try to cycle after the holidays in February - maybe. A November baby sounds nice - if it was only that easy though.

Here is a picture of my b-day cake that my hunny got for me:

This is what my BBF got me for my birthday - it is an accent table for my bedroom - I love it - it is ordered but has not arrived yet - I cannot wait to see how it looks in my space!!

Me and my BBF on my birthday.

Honestly Sad

I am having alot of mixed emotions right now. I am feeling better physically- still not 100% but better - I am taking to a counseler so I think that may be helping as well but my feelings are just so all over the place.

My SIL is due in a week and I went over there yesterday and saw her nursery done all up and it made me sad and she showed me the coming home outifit and it made me sad. Then she told me she was thinking about naming the baby Colin which made me mad - everyone knows my baby boy names are Carter Christopher and Colin John - she wants to name her baby Colin Christopher.

Now that I am feeling better I am thinking about TTC again - but I do not want to go through the whole process again - I just want a baby - I am scared to try again - I am scared about miscarrying again. I am not sure if I am ready emotionally yet to go through more treatments.

I am also said because September marked 4 years since we started actively TTC - 4 Fing years - I cannot believe it. October marks one year since we started IVF - which also means we have to shell out another $ 750.00 for storage of our embryos.

Tomorrow is my 29th birthday - I am not where I thought I would be when I turned 29. But maybe I need to start realizing that I do not have much control over the baby situation and when it is mean to be it will be. I guess.

Healthy Herb Chicken

1 tbsp of olive oil
1 tsp of paprika
1/2 tsp of garlic powder
1/2 tsp seasoned salt
1/2 tsp dried thyme
1/2 tsp of pepper
4 bone in chicken breast or one whole chicken - I used a whole chicken
1/2 cup of chicken broth (or a little more) - I used a little more - I also used organic low sodium chicken broth

In a small bowl, combine the first seven ingredients and rub over chicken. Place in crock pot and add brother. Cover and cook on low for 4-5 hours.

Mine took 4 1/2 hours to cook - it was so tender and juicy and the best part is that it is so healthy!!!

Better

I had a pretty good weekend. I was even able to go out with some friend on Sat - I have been cooped up in the house every weekend for the past month or so - it was so nice to get out. The only problem is with food. We went over their house and they order pizza and wings - the only thing I can think to get was a grilled chicken salad - it was okay - but the pizza looked so good. How do people who change their diets and lifestyles handle these types of situations?

I have a call into both my PCP and my GI doctor - I really do not think they are going to be of any help to me though. I e-mailed the wellness center in my area to see if they can help me - I have not heard back from them yet. I am calling a place I found today to set up an appointment to talk to someone - I think that will really help too - so I am moving along.

I am feeling pretty good (knock on wood) I still wake up feeling like crap - but that only last for a little while and then I am okay for the rest of the day - which makes me so happy.

Oh and the exciting news - we booked a trip to the beach for Sept. It is just a long weekend but I am so happy we are going to get away - I really need this - now the thing I am most concerned about is eating - boardwalk food is never healthy so I am hoping to find some options and bring some food with me. I cannot wait to smell the ocean water and have the sand between my toes!!

Keep Moving Forward

I have to get more proactive. I am still not feeling right - everyone keeps telling me it is in my head since the doctors cannot find anything but I do not believe that.

I am still have bowel issues and I wake up everyday with tightness in my stomach. I still have trush - none of these problems are going away - even with the diet.

So I called my GI doctor today - this morning actually and he never called me back and now his office is closed - I want to know what he thinks the next step is - I would really like to get some x-rays or a CT scan or something.

I am going to call my PCP tonight and see if he thinks I should go see another doctor - maybe get tested for food allegies or something.

I found a wellness center near my house - so I am going to call them and see if they can help me.

I also think being sick for this long has really taken a toll on me so I am looking for a therapist to talk to - my last one did not work out so well - but talking and getting all this out cannot hurt either.

So this weekend will be fulled with alot of phone calls and hopefully I can set up some appointment for next week. I am feeling pretty low and depressed about this whole situation but I will not give up - I will figure out what is going on with me.

Mind over Matter

I had the colonoscopy and it went okay. The prep was no big deal to me - since I have been dealing with those issues for over two months now. I had to take alot of medicine but it all worked out - we were in the surgery center for a long long time - from 11:30 am to 4:00 pm. We had to wait a long time - they did the surgery and they found nothing - but did take some samples for testing - the worse part was when I woke up - there was so much gas in me and it hurt so badly - those who told me it was a breeze were lying - it was not a breeze it was very painful. I am still feeling bloated two days later. But of course nothing is ever easy for me.

My thrush is back pretty badly - I really think I have major overgrowth of yeast in my body even though my doctors do not believe me and will not test me for it. The GI doctor told me I was not on the Dilifcan long enough and gave me another prescription for it - I will fill it today and start taking it tonight and pray it works this time.

I am still on my diet and doing well with it - but it is not helping my bowel situation. I have turned to praying now - I am not big into religion or praying - but I do not know what else to do. I am really going to try and get out of my funk and depressing and try to get in the right frame of mind. Mind over matter if you will - to get better and feel healthy and normal again.

I hate that every morning I wake up feeling horrible - I am going to try and stay positive that this is going to go away and everything is going to be okay - since they found nothing - I do not know what else they can really do for me. To be honest I am sick of doctors and medicine and appointment - I am just beat.

TGIF

I am feeling pretty good the past couple of days. I went to my PCP and he said he does not even think my tongue has thrush and he does not think I have a yeast problem but he said if the diet is working for me then I should stay on it - he said I am a nice lady but I difficult patient because they cannot figure out what is wrong with me. I still think I have a yeast problem whether he does or not.

I then went to my GI doctor and they set up my colonoscopy for Monday - so I will be doing bowel prep all weekend - yay for me - NOT! But I really do not mind - it is a like a medical colon cleanse. I want to make sure that there is nothing wrong and this is the best way to do it.

I went over everything with my PCP and he said as long as I am feeling better he does not think he needs to run anymore tests. So I am looking into finding a hoslistic doctor to help me.

I really think the diet is working - but I will have to add some sugar in on Sunday because I can only eat certian foods and they said I cannot only drink water that I have to drink Gatorade too - I wonder if they have a sugar free Gatorade.

I am really trying to cut down on stress but it is not working really well - My Aunt Alma - my godmother that I take care of is sick again. My brother who is getting a divorce - a very nasty divorce mind you calls me like 3 times a day to vent. My boss who is a drunk came in this morning drunk as usual and started flipping out on me - telling me he hates me and that he cannot stand this office - which got me very upset - it is not fun being screamed at so early in the morning - so I just got up and left until the head boss came in and took him home - what a mess.

All I wanted was a simple life - just get married - have children - not all this drama and problems. I am striving for a simplier life.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!!

Taco Salad

For Jeanna,

Since you asked - here is the new recipe I found that I made last night for taco salad and it turned out pretty well.

I do not use any boxed items any long.

I used 1 pound of organic ground beef - for the seasoning of the mean I used the following:

1 tablespoon of Chili Powder
1/4 teaspoon of garlic powder
1/4 teaspoon of onion powder
1/2 teaspoon of ground cumin
1 teaspoon of salt
1 teaspoon of black pepper

It taste just like the box mix - it was a little spicy though so I will only use 1/2 a tablespoon of chili powder next time.

I also had lettuce, tomatoes, corn, organic black beans, brown rice and corn chips. Mix them all together and you have your taco salad.

Of course bought taco cheese and salsa for John - but I did not use them in my taco salad and it turned out great.

On the Road to Recovery

I do not want to jinx it yet - but I am feeling better - not so run down. My headaches are still there but not as bad - my bowel problems seem to be improving and my tougue is getting better.

I am learning how to cope and eat on this new diet - it is amazing in less than two weeks I am already noticing a difference. My skin is so clear, I am losing weight and feeling better. I am not hungry all the time anymore - and I am finding great new recipes and trying all kinds of fruits and veggies. I am really trying to embrace what I can eat rather than think of what I cannot eat.

The GI doctor has really dropped the ball. I told his nurse that even though all my test have come back fine that I wanted to move forward with a colonoscopy - just to be on the safe side - I called him both Monday morning and Tuesday morning about this - and he has yet to call me back - his nurse did say that he thinks I am to young for a colonoscopy - WTF?? I am thinking about going to another GI doctor and getting a second opinion.

I am meeting with my PCP tonight to have my thrush checked out and see if I need to go on another medicine - but I think it is clearing up pretty well on its own - we will see what he has to say.

As for TTC I think that is on hold for awhile - I want to get my body back to normal and I think that is going to take a few months at least - I think my immune system was and probably still is very messed up. I am thinking of maybe doing a FET in April. I know that is a long time from now - but I am just not ready at this point to even think about it much.

Test Results are Back

They are negative - no C-Diff - no parasites - nothing. Which is good in one way because thank goodness I do not have those problems but also bad in another way because I am still sick with no answers. I have to do a colonoscopy now. I am waiting for the doctor to call me back to set it up. At this point I do not care - I just want to get it over and done with - and pray they can figure out what is wrong with me.

I am getting very depressed - I was watching mystery diagnosis and sometimes it takes people years to figure out what is wrong with them. I pray that is not me.

I took all of the anti -fungal medication for my thrush and it is still there - I have horrible headaches and my bowels are just not right - I wonder if this is all connected or not - I just want answers.

I am now down 12 pounds - but I seem to be holding steady at 128 pounds now - which is good. I am still eating very healthy - even though sometimes I wish I could just have a piece of cake - LOL.

Due Date

Today was suppose to be my due date for my little bean. I have been holding back tears all morning - I decide to go to work to get my mind off it if but it is not easy.

I really hate my life right now - I am suppose to be happy - having a baby - starting a family but instead my baby - no family - and horribly sick with no end in sight.

The diet is not going well - I am hungry all of the time - I have lost 10 pounds in two weeks. I have horrible indigestion. I am not sure what to do - I am still sticking with it but John keeps saying I should talk to the doctor about it and wait to see if they can find out what my underlying issues are. I am so lost, confused, upset and depressed.

The top off an already hard morning my boss decided to come in this morning with newborn pictures of his new Grandson for me to see - he does not know it is my due date today - I swear only me. I have the worse luck in the world.

Pity party for me today :(

Lifestyle Changes

Thank you for all of the support and love -I wish I could tell you all that I feel better but I don't.

I have made some major lifestyle changes - starting yesterday - LOL and I am already having trouble with them - it is hard to change everything you have ever known - there has been alot of crying - but at the end of the day it is only food.

I have cut our all sugars and carbs - I am only eating meat, eggs, chicken, veggies and some fruits because alot of fruits have sugar in them. I am only drinking water and ginger and peppermint tea. Not sure if this will work but it cannot hurt at this point.

My husband has been 100% supportive and said he will eat what I eat - I am still very weak and just feel blah - but knowing I get his hugs at the end of the day make it easier to get through the work day.

I still have thrush and it does not seem to be going away so I am going to fill my precription for difiucan - it is only one more dose and I sure hope it works.

I am on a probiotic called Flora Q - and I am looking into getting some vitamins - any suggestions would be great.

I should get the results of my testing with the GI doctor next week - if they show nothing then I may have to get a colonoscopy done. I just want them to figure out what is wrong with me. I have the bowel issues with the yeast issues - I am just a mess.

I am sorry that this infertility blog has turned into a sick person blog - what that is what is going on in my life right now. I am trying to keep a positive attitute and pray that things will start turning around for the good.

Went to the Hospital Today

Hoping they would give me an x-ray or cat scan or something - nope - they just told me the little bumps on my tongue are Thrush - which is a yeast infection of the mouth - I know it sound gross but it is really not that bad - they gave me an anti-fungal and sent me home to follow up with my GI.

I am going to stick with the plan the GI doctor has for the next two week - but if he tells me nothing is wrong I am going to see a nutritionist because I have been doing some research online and apparently there is this thing called Candida with is an overgrowth of yeast in the body and can lead to call kinds of problems.

Problems like infertility, rosacea, acne, stomach issues and so much more - which alot of I had and it can be helped with a huge change in diet - cutting out all yeast - including sugars and bread, etc. I love food so this seems scary to me - but at this point I am hardly eating anything and have lost 8 pounds so it has to be better then what I am going through now.

It is still going on

Yes I am still sick and yes I am sicker than before. Apparently the meds they gave me are making me sick so they decided to give me a proboitic to help - well that did not help it made my tougue break out in bumps.

I called my PCP today and told him I am going off of my antibotics today - I cannot wait until Monday they are making me too sick. So he said okay - then I called the GI doctor and told him I was going off them today so he can test me on Monday - it takes 3 days after you go off of them to get out of your system or something.

So he said to come pick up the paper today - and of course they close at noon -so I had to leave work and drive across town - which is normally a 30 min. drive but they are working on the roads so it took me one hour each way. Do you know the GI doctor had the nerve to give me another antibodtic - I told him I am not taking it - not right now anyway - until this crap is out of my system. He says it is suppose to help my stomach.

I honestly think I rather just deal with the stomach issues then be put on all of these meds and have all these horrible side effects. Enough is enough - It has been six for 6 weeks now with stomach issues and for two weeks with the side effects from the meds they gave me.

So now they will test me for three days and see what happens so maybe I will know by the first week in August what is wrong with me and how they can fix it.

Update

I went to the GI doctor last night and he basically said there is nothing he can do for me until I stop the antibiotics. Because any test he would run would be ineffective because of them. He said he thinks the reason why I feel worse is because the antibiotic is taking all my good bacteria along with my bad bacteria - so he gave me a script for probiotics.

TTC at this point is not really on my mind - who knows if I will even cycle in August - I do not know what kind of blood clotting disorder I have yet - that is why I have to meet with the hematologist. At this point I am more worried about getting well than anything else.

The GI doctor says it may be a parasite they did not test for or post infection IBS - he asked if I could hold out one more week until I was done with the antibiotic and then if I am still sick then go from there with testing and such.

So that is what I am going to do - I am going back to work tomorrow even though I feel like crap. I know I can just make it through the work day and then come home and crash - John has been really good and has been taking care of me. I honestly do not know how chronically ill people do this day in and day out - they are very brave. Thanks for all the support - it means alot to me.

It never ends

I am still sick - I am getting worse so I called my PCP today and told him and he said I need to go see a gastrointestinal doctor and gave me two names and told me to make an appointment for today or tomorrow - well I called both doctors and they could not see me to at least August - so I called my PCP back and told him and he said hold on a second and somehow got me an appointment for tonight at 5 pm. I am nervous and scared - obviously it is something serious for my PCP to pull strings to get me seen today. I hope everything turns out okay - I just want to start feeling better.

Then I get another blow this morning - my RE called me and apparently I have a blood clotting disorder. I have to go see a hematologist before I start cycling again. I am beyond upset about this because now all I can think it my miscarriage was not bad luck - or that it just happened - no it was my fault.

Feeling Blah

This antibiotic thay have me on just makes me feel run down - but if it works then that is the most important thing. I have to take it for two weeks. I just want to feel normal again - I have not felt well in over a month.

As for the FET we are not going to do it this month - it just makes more sense to wait - what is one more month in the scheme of things anyway. I am not too upset over it - I want my body to be healthy for a baby.

So it looks like I will start my FET at the end of August. Probably have my transfer in the middle of September.

Mystery Solved

So I have written how I have been really sick for the past few weeks - well my test result finally came back and I have C-Diff - which is a bacterial infection. It is very contagious so my husband is going to the doctor tonight to have testing done to see if he has C-Diff also. I got it from my 78 year old godmother - she was in the hospital with C-Diff a few weeks ago and I was there visiting and taking care of her. Only my luck - I try to be a good person and help her out because her family wanted nothing to do with it and I get sick.

So I do not know what this means for my treatment. I started antibiotics yesterday and I have to take them for 2 weeks - which means I will be going off the the antibodies just as I am suppose to start the treatment. I called my RE to ask what he thought and he said that technically I can do the treatment but in his opinion he thinks I should wait another month - make sure I am better and my body is back to normal.

Now I do not know what to do - I really wanted to start treatment but I think it will be better to wait. What would you do if you were in my position??

First Baby Shower Since My Miscarriage

It was for my sister in law who is due one month behind what I would of been due and on my birthday no less - I was dreading going - I thought it was going to be the hardest thing I was going to have to do - but it turns out it was not that bad at all - it was actually fun - I was happy for her and happy she got everything she needed for her little boy. I had alot of support from my friends and it was nice. John was even there to help carry out all of the gifts and he even said he was happy. I did not think of myself or my situation - I was just in the moment.

The only time I thought about our situation - was when John and I were taking all of the presents out of our car to bring to her house and I thought for a brief second that this should be us.

I thought after the shower I would break down - but nope - I am still happy for her and surprisingly not sad for us - our time will come it is just not right now.

Here is some pictures from the shower:

Remembering

My dear friend Jeanna who lost her twins the same day I lost my baby sent me the most wonderful thing today. As I am sure many of you know there is this thing where you write your baby's name in the sand as a memory because sometimes there is no recognition of their life - especially in a miscarriage.

Today I get this wonderful e-mail where Jeanna who was on vacation wrote Little Bean in the sand as a memory of my Little Bean that I lost 6 months ago.

It was the most heartfelt thing someone has ever done for me. To remember my baby while on your vacation - there really are no words to describe how much that meant to me. When I read the e-mail and saw the picture I just cried.

Even though we started our friendship from a tragedy we both experienced I am so glad to know Jeanna. I hope to meet her in real life one day. So again I want to thank her for thinking of me and my little bean today and to let her know I am thinking of her and her twin beans today.

Here is the picture:

6 months today

It has been six month today since we found out we lost our baby. I am sad - I cannot believe that I am not 36 weeks pregnant. I am sad that our baby is not about to be born and we are not about to become the family I have hoped and dreamed of for so long. I am sad our little bean is gone.

I am still sick

I am actually getting pretty nervous about what is wrong with me and what this could mean for my upcoming treatment. I was not suppose to have my doctor's appointment until this Wednesday coming up but I was so very sick this past Thursday morning that I called the doctor and asked if they could fit me in somewhere - they had an appointment open for 11:15 am and I took it - I left work and went there and he said I had lost 5 pound - in one week - that is not good and while I would love to lose 5 pounds this is not the way I want to do it - he said I did not seem to be dehydrated but I would need to drink lots of Gatorade. He had me go for some bloodwork and sorry TMI - stool sample. I went on Friday morning and they took 15 vials of blood from me - fun times. I stayed home from work on Friday as well.

This weekend I just laid around the house - I have to stay close to the bathroom and I am hardly eating anything - my head is pounding non stop - it is pretty upsetting - to not know what is going on. John says jokingly that I have a parasite in my stomach and in my brain from our trip to Punta Cana - I do not find that funny at all. I will find out the result of the bloodwork and other test later this week and I am praying it is just some sort of infection and they can give me antibodies and it will go away. We shall see but being sick sucks.

Could I be Stressed?

Is that is what is causing my stomach issues and headaches?? Let me give you a run down of what is going on in my life and you tell me.

1. My Godmother - my Aunt Alma - she has been very sick - was in the hospital 3 weeks ago for C-Diff - she just lost her long time boyfriend of 30 years in Feb - she is all alone and depressed and she calls me all of the time - sometimes three times a day - I am over there twice a week - going food shopping for her and picking her up things - and while she was in the hospital I was there everyday - I am all she has - I had to spend the whole day with her last Saturday instead of going to a pool party - because she was scared to be alone. I love her but it is alot of work - I have been trying to contact her family - she has nieces - no children - but they really do not care and leave it all on me - which is also causing tension between her family and I.

2. My brother - Andrew - is getting a divorce - it is nasty and ugly and there is two young children involved - he like Aunt Alma calls me serveral times a day to talk about his wife - their problems and what he should do - he is a Marine and he just re enlisted for another 4 years and moved to CA with his wife - per her request and it turns out she hates it and hates him and they are breaking up and he is so angry and does not know what to do and comes to me for support and advice - every single day. This has been going on for weeks now.

3. My jobs - I think I wrote before that my current boss pimped me out to another attorney one day a week - well it is going really well with the new attorney so much so that I am not working for him on the weekend - yes I am now working 6 days a week - which can be stressful too I guess - but anyway - my current boss is getting jealous that everything is going so well with the new attorney and it is causing tension. Example - the new attorney sent my current boss a e-mail apparently saying how wonderful I am and that he would like to have me for an extra day during the week if possible and called me a god sent. But do you know what my current boss told me it said - he said that the new attorney wanted me during the week because he does not want me no more on the weekends - which was totally untrue and did not even tell me anything about the nice things the new attorney said about me - like calling me a god sent - I think he is jealous that is going so well - but he is the one that pimped me out. Why lie to me and make me feel bad about myself and my new job??? So there is major tension at work.

4. My upcoming treatment cycle - I am nervous about this - what the outcome will be - if it works - will I be so nervous all of the time I cannot even enjoy my pregnancy and if it does not work what do we do from there??

So as you can see I have alot on my plate right now in addition to all the regular and daily chores that come with life. So I do not know if my stomach and headaches issues are a seriously problem or just stress. I am also nervous about going to the doctors and finding out what is going on - but I have to - I wake up every morning feeling horrible and have to stay close to a bathroom at all times - that is no way to live.