I am feeling good - things I hope and believe are going in a positive direction now. The supplements, medicine and yoga I believe are helping - ALOT.
So that has got me thinking of TTC again. I am beginning to come out of my depression over the miscarriage and I am ready to grow and move forward.
My husband on the other hand is not. I told him I would really love to do a treatment in January - new year - fresh start - well he shot that right now - he says he is not ready and thinks spring would be a better time to do our next treatment. Spring is so far away.
I guess I have to respect that he is still grieveing and that the loss of our child was harder on him because he has never had a loss before - unlike me who has had a ton of loss in my life.
But I am scare we will never be on the same page again. He already said he only wants to do one more treatment and if it does not work he does not have the strength to go through it again - and all I can think is I am the one that has to do all of the work. But I have to understand that he is a part of this too.
I have to respect his feelings but at the same time I want to move forward. Has anyone else dealt with this type of situation - where one partner is ready to move forward but the other is not?? What did you do? How did it work out?
4 comments:
Have I ever dealt with this type is situation? Oh, so many times!! It's super tough, I'm so sorry you're going through it. We agreed up until our m/c after IVF#1. Then we responded in such different ways and went through different grief stages at different times and at different paces that it was really hard to get back on the same page- which is pretty necessary to taking any action. We went back and forth between one of us wanting to ignore TTC and all baby desires completely, the other wanting to immediately adopt... then we'd switch up and one of us would want to ignore and the other would want to immediately cycle again. This went on for over 2 years, unfortunately. We did both feel pressured by our IVF clinic to do an FET a few months after the m/c, but both regretted it and hated the experience. We weren't emotionally ready and it was a mistake to do it.
Then after a year or so of both just ignoring TTC altogether, I decided we should adopt because I would never do IVF again. I pushed and pushed it for months until DH finally (angrily) conceded (although he wasn't really on the same page, he was just so desperate for a baby that if I refused to cycle then adoption was his only option). But as soon as he said "fine", I had a change of heart. Adoption is a beautiful miracle, however, for us it never felt right at that time. Then we were at another impass until I finally got desperate enough to do IVF again a few months later.
I wish I had some great magic solution for how to deal with it and how to bring hubby around to your side of the fence, lol. But, like so often is said in our empathetic comments to each other... I don't have the answer you need. All you can really do is talk to each other and pray he'll find the courage he needs to cycle again soon,and pray that you'll have the patience to wait I guess. Just bring it up casually and briefly as often as doesn't anger him, and then talk about each others feelings in length every so often.
I can definitely relate to your DH's feelings though- I was so scared to cycle again because I felt like I only had one cycle left in me emotionally and so to spend my last dollar (so to speak) was terrifying. What if it didn't work? I'm out of emotional juice and will never be able to try again. Not to mention the emotional horror I knew would immediately follow a potential cycle failure. It just paints doom and gloom over everything and makes it seem easier to just not try. He's "comfortable" with the pain now, or at least is dealing with it I mean... to put himself out there for more when he doesn't think he can handle it and is already fragile seems like suicide. I'm not saying that you're not terrified too... Anyway, I'm rambling.
Good luck though, I hope you two can understand each other and come to some happy compromise.
Pleased you are feeling and doing better. Its great to hear!
I have had a few issues with DH and not wanting me to go through treatments. I think it is partly because he is never as ready as I am, and also he is trying to protect me.
I am sure with time he will get there and you will be TTc again soon.
x
DH and I not being on the same page was pretty much the story of our IF life. I didn't post about it much because I think people would have been judgmental about me continuing to drudge along. Well first things first is that DH said he never wanted kids to begin with when we got engaged because of his childhood. We actually went to counseling in college over this because I told him I didn't want to marry someone who didn't want children. He said he did after a while and we got married. Then we started trying and we never agreed on a single thing. Just getting him to go see the RE was a struggle and then I got pregnant on my own and he was convinced we didn't need help. The only thing that really ever got him going was my constant nagging. Apparently I am a pro nagger. We have talked since I found out I was pregnant and he said the only reason he kept going was because he thought I would leave if he refused to go along with my "plan." Of course finding this out on a hormonal day didn't help because it made me feel like he never wanted it as much as I did. Maybe I knew this all along and pretended like I didn't or maybe I was just totally delusional...who knows.
Now that Jack is here I have a card in my room from DH that says "Thank you for never giving up." I don't have any advice, but just want you to know I am thinking about you. I hope you guys can get on the same page or at least close to the same page soon.
It's always tough when you and DH are not on the same page. Maybe he needs a little more time. I'm sorry I don't have any answers, but I will keep you both in my prayers.
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