I do not know what to do next - I do not know where to turn or what is right anymore.
I know my marriage is not in the best place and I know both John and I are depressed but I do not know what to do about it. If he will not go to counseling I cannot make him.
I hate that we had a miscarriage and that it has basically runied our marriage - I hate that we do not have a three month old baby now and wish we were getting all ready for the baby's first Halloween.
I am actually really sad and just feeling so blue lately - because this time last year was filled with so much excitement - I was right in the middle of my IVF and doing the injections and going for follie scans. I am mad that we are worse off now then we were last year.
I keep wanting to move forward and be better and try again - but it all seems to much for me right now.
I have to make some serious decisions about what I am going to do but I am at a crossroads and not sure how to proceed. It is all exhausting to me and all I want is for things to get better. But I know they cannot get better without any action on my part. It is a vicous cycle.
I know this blog has been so depressing and boring and I read other women's blog who have miscarried and been through way worse than me - they bounce back - why can't I???
I feel like it is always one step ahead - two steps behind with me.
9 comments:
I am sorry, and I wish I had a way to make it not hard or hurt less. It's true though, that everyone works through things in their own way and own time, and that sometimes you can only go forward by one step forward/two steps back.
[hugs]
I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I'm thinking of you and one day things will start to get better....you will have your good and bad days. I think you have alot of people rooting and thinking of you, especially in the blogging world. What you went thru is not easy and you need your own time to deal with it. Hugs
I am sorry you are feeling this way. & don't compare to others. each person grieves a different way. & not one way is any faster than the other is right timing for another person.I would have two babies right now with my miscarriages and I STILL have trouble weekly, even being pregnant now.
But, I will tell you it gets better, may not be a whole lot better, a whole lot soon but it eases.
Know that you have so many people in the blogging world routing you on, & hoping you & your husband get through this. [hugs]
I hear ya about the not being able to bounce back thing. I feel the same way and feel guilty that I can't.
That's a horrible side effect of IF about the toll it takes on relationships. You're right that you can't make DH go to therapy. I'm glad that you're going though. My husband didn't want any parts of going either. I told him though that if we going to proceed in TTC again that we needed to go together. It wasn't in a fight and didn't sound as much like an ultimatum as it does here. We haven't actually gone yet though. I'm dragging my feet.
Would your husband be willing to go to therapy on his own? Or, does he have a family doctor that he has a good relationship that he could talk to?
I am sorry you are feeling this way. (((HUGE HUGS)))
I know exactly what you are feeling right now, I am dealing with some of the same issues. We should have a 5 month old to be getting ready for their first Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas... It takes time, lots of time... just take care of yourself and know that it will get better...
((Hugs))It's going to happen in your own time...when you and your husband are ready. Don't beat yourself up for still being depressed. You went through a lot and it's only natural...especially certain times of the year that are a trigger for you. I hate that you are going through this!
Jackie, I know exactly how you feel. It may seem like I have bounced back, but there's a lot of things that I don't write about on my blog. I'm having a hard time. It's hard, it sucks, and it hurts. But I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers daily and I am rooting for you :)
Oh Jackie! I'm sending some BIG hugs your way! I'm sorry you are feeling so down - you're not alone. The only ass-vice I can offer you is that if you keep walking through it you'll get to the other side. You will have answers, you just have to keep moving. Don't give up - you may feel alone but you are so not! One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one breath at a time.
xoxox Alison
Bouncing back is hard. I have my good days and bad days. And we are all different in how we cope and move through it, as our experiences are all different.
But I will say the number one thing that's helped me is I keep trying again over and over. I don't feel better until I try again.
I also think that therapy for me and Pete was helpful, as this is very stressful on a marriage.
I do know you haven't been in the space health or otherwise to try again, but I do believe that when it is time to try again for your baby, you will start feeling hope return.
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