Happy Halloween

My tongue and stomach issues

For those who have just started following my blog - I have been sick since June.

First it started with my stomach and my bowels - everytime I ate something I went to the bathroom - I was losing weight and went to my PCP - he ran a ton of test on me and determined that I had C-Diff - which is a baterial infection which I got from my godmother that had C-Diff and was in the hospital for it - during the time of taking the antibiotic I got thrush on my tongue. Well it turns out that I did not have C-Diff and he just assumed I had it. The antibiotic made me sicker than I was before I started it - maybe it was because I did not have C-Diff.

I went to the hospital for the thrush and they gave me Dilfican (sp?) - After the antibiotics my stomach did not get any better so I went to a gastro. doctor and he ran a ton of test including a colonoscopy and found nothing. He saw that I still had the thrush as well and he gave me another round of Dlifican (sp?)

The only thing that helped my stomach was a huge change in my diet - I cut out all processed food and junk foods and cut back alot on sugar. I started taking a probiotic in addtion to eating yogurt everyday - I started taking yoga classes and going to therapy thinking it must all be in my head.

I went to my dentist about my tongue and he said it was nothing to be concerned about. So then I went to an ENT doctor and he said I was bitting my tongue and I had thrush - a bad case of it and it was embeded in my tastebuds. He gave me a new kind of medicine that I had to put on my gum and let it melt away - it worked and the tongue was getting better.

At the same time I started seeing a nutionist - who specialized in applied kinesiology - he said my stomach was very weak and so was my liver - he put me on about four different supplements for my stomach and tongue. After I went off the medication that the ENT doctor prescribed to me the trush it came back in full force.

I have another appointment with the ENT doctor to get tested for food allergies on Nov. 16th - but at this point I really think I have tried everything and I do not know what else to do. Maybe I am holding all of my stress inside and it is taking a toll on my body - I am not sure.

My friend suggested acupuncture so I may give that a try - I am willing to do anything at this point to get healthy - so like I said if anyone has any ideas - please share them with me.

Thank you.

What a Mess

John showed up to counseling which is a huge step for him - he looked so very uncomfortable but he said he wanted to show me that our marriage is important to him. In counseling we found out that I get frustrated with him and he gets annoyed with me - not much of what we did not already know. Just him being there was enough for me.

I have been feeling sick again - like I did this past summer. I went back to the nutrionist yesterday and he says I have a stomach infection. My tongue is still a mess and nothing is working - I feel like the nutrionist is even giving up on me at this point. I really do not know what else to do - I am thinking of calling an oral surgeron. I do have another appointment with the ENT doctor on November 16th and I will finally get tested for food allergies.

I am just so frustrated - I just want to be healthy - I started mediating which I am really liking - even though I can only do it for a couple of minutes at at time - it is nice to just sit and be for awhile - but of course that let to crying. I feel like God is punishing me for doing IVF and putting all those drugs in my body - I have not felt like myself since June - I keeep think I am getting better and then I end up getting worse.

I should of never gone to the hospital for my godmother and I should not of been around her when she was so sick - I am really trying to distance myself from her but she keeps calling me - I did tell her last night that I am sick and cannot be around her right now.

All I want is to be healthy and have a family - is that so much to ask.

If anyone has any ideas of what I can do to help my tongue and tummy - I am open to trying anything at this point.

Feeling Lost

I do not know what to do next - I do not know where to turn or what is right anymore.

I know my marriage is not in the best place and I know both John and I are depressed but I do not know what to do about it. If he will not go to counseling I cannot make him.

I hate that we had a miscarriage and that it has basically runied our marriage - I hate that we do not have a three month old baby now and wish we were getting all ready for the baby's first Halloween.

I am actually really sad and just feeling so blue lately - because this time last year was filled with so much excitement - I was right in the middle of my IVF and doing the injections and going for follie scans. I am mad that we are worse off now then we were last year.

I keep wanting to move forward and be better and try again - but it all seems to much for me right now.

I have to make some serious decisions about what I am going to do but I am at a crossroads and not sure how to proceed. It is all exhausting to me and all I want is for things to get better. But I know they cannot get better without any action on my part. It is a vicous cycle.

I know this blog has been so depressing and boring and I read other women's blog who have miscarried and been through way worse than me - they bounce back - why can't I???

I feel like it is always one step ahead - two steps behind with me.

Weekend

John is really stepping it up since he did not show up to counseling on Wednesday - not sure if he feels gulity or he knows things need to change. He was home most of the weekend which I loved. On Friday night we just spend the night in watching tv and had chinese food for dinner. Saturday we both worked and then we spend the evening together and actually ended up going to bed at 9 pm - which is sad since we are young with no children and it was a Saturday night but I guess we were sleepy. On Sunday he woke up and made me breakfast and then topped our tree out front of our house which I have been asking him to do for about 6 weeks and then instead of going up his friend's house like he normally does on Sunday to watch the football games - he stayed home with me - it was nice.

I still want him to come to counseling on Wednesday and as of right now he said he would - but I know that can change. I am really hoping things are starting to turn around.

As far as my health goes I have been stressed beyond belief between work, my husband, and my godmother - but now I think I have the godmother situation under control and I have to just learn how to say no from now on. I am trying to get to yoga class twice a week and I am going to take up mediation to see if that will help with the stress.

Trying not to get too ahead of myself is an ongoing battle for me - I am really trying to work on myself. I still think about having a family all of the time but I know now is not the right time. John and I both have to get back on track - not only in our marriage but also with ourselves.

I hope everyone has a wonderful week.

No Show

My husband did not come to therapy - he had to work late - I was so very upset - knowing somehow someway he could of gotten out of work and come to the appointment. He said he really could not and that he is coming next week - the therapist told me to just tell him I was disappointed and see if he shows up next week.

He knew how upset I was so he did step up for me in a big way last night. I have a godmother that has been very sick and I have been taking care of her for months - but she is getting worse and worse and it is beginning to be too much for me.

Anyway - last night she was being sent home from the hospital for the 4th time - I had to pick her up - now she is not blood realted to me and I have asked her family several times to help me - she has no children and her husband is gone but she has a ton of extended family. Anyway - John meets me at her house to help her in the house - we had to clean her bedroom - change the sheets - do the wash - clean the bathrooms - go food shopping and pick up her medicine - and make her something to eat - John helped with everything and did not complain once and then took me out to dinner afterwards since we were there for 3 hours and it was too late to cook something.

So for the past couple of months I have been asking the family to step in and help and I have also been asking my godmother if I can call in help and see what she qualifies for free assistance. She kepts saying no and says she is fine and so does the family so I got to my breaking point yesterday - I was only suppose to drop her off at home and the niece was suppose to be there to do all the things listed above that John and I had to do - well she decided she was not coming until this morning - meaning I had to do everything - so I wrote to her and told them I am done. I cannot handle this anymore I need to take care of myself and my health issues and you would think they would thank me for all I have done - nope they yelled at me saying to butt out and it is none of my business and I should not be telling my godmother she needs additional help. Hello she can barely walk from her bedroom to her kitchen and she lives alone - she needs help.

I am not going to let her family get under my skin - I said my peace - I told them I cannot handle it anymore and they are suppose to step in now - I will just have to start saying no to my godmother when she ask me for things so she will go to them for help. It is not that I do not love her and want her to be okay - it is just that it is too much on me now - I have been helping her and doing her errands and taking care of her since February and enough is enough. She lives alone and is sick and old - she needs more help then I can give her at this point.

4 years ago

Sometimes I wish I could go back to four years ago - I know it is not good to live in the past but 4 years ago we had just started TTC actively - we were newly married - and even though at that point we had already been together for six years we were still so madly in love and happy. We did not have a care in the world and we have no clue the sorrow, pain, sadness, and loss that was ahead of us. I am praying we can look back on the next four years and say our life was difficult then but we made it through the bad times and we are stronger than ever.

Tonight is our therapy appointment - I am praying John shows up - I told him how important it is that he comes with me. He said he would come - we will see what happens. I am so ready to be on the road to recovery with this marriage - but I cannot move forward alone - I pray he start actively trying to work on this marriage.

Today is also my niece Emma's 4th birthday - I will never forget this day - my brother and SIL were stationed and NC. When my brother send me that first picture of her I was in love - just by looking at her picture I was so in love. I can only imagine the love I will feel for my own child because the love I feel for my nieces is so great. I cannot believe she is 4 years old already - time flys. I attached our very first picture together - she was less than a month old.

Warning - Post Full of Complaints

Every single time I take a step forward I end up taking two steps back. My husband is a mess and I am so very sick of trying - Church on Sunday was a major fail and I will not even get into that. I get that he is depressed but he refuses to get help and I cannot take anymore of it - I have tried to be patient I really have but I am at the point where I am done trying.

My huband has always been a hard worker and a good provider - but lately not so much. He has become the most laziest man I have ever met. I will give you some examples. Christmas last year our roof leaked into our kitchen so the ceiling had to be taken out and replaced - yet it was never replaced - I have this beautiful remodeled kitchen with a huge hole in the ceiling that has been there almost a year and John can fix it but will not fix it.

Example two - when I got my car inspected in March I was told I needed new tries - it is John's job to handle the stuff with the cars because I do almost everything else - can you guess that I have yet to get new tires and it is now October.

He use to work weekends but not anymore and we could use the extra cash - especially with Christmas coming up - if I can work 6 days a week and do everything for our house - including paying the bills, food shopping, doing the wash, cleaning, etc, etc, etc - then he can do the simple project around the house and start working again on the weekends.

So I am so angry right now - I think I have to call someone to come fix our ceiling and top our tree out front and pay to get tires put on - when he can do all of this stuff but he is so lazy. I will have to waste money when he can do it - but I cannot wait anymore - these things need to get done.

I asked him if he was still coming to counseling on Wendnesday - he said he was - if he does not come then I think I will seriously give up - I have tried for so long now - what else can I do - I have begged him to get help - begged him to talk to me - to talk to anyone - instead he just closes up and becomes lazy and refuses help. I cannot live like this anymore - it has been almost a year since our miscarriage - I need to move forward.

The thing I am most scared about - is I am going to move forward and he will stay behind and that will mark the beginning of the end for us. How can I help someone who refuses to be helped.

I just really wish life was easier.

Baby Steps

So I am going to listen to my husband and wait until the Spring to do a treatment - we spoke about it and not only is it bad timing as far as the weather goes and his business obligations but also he is still afraid of what will happen and what could possible happen to me now that we know about the blood clotting disorder - I just think he needs more time and what is a few months being that we have been TTC for over 4 years now.

My therapist asked if he would join us next week and I asked John and he said he would come to the session next week - which is a huge step for him - so I think we are both making progress - we may not be on the same page but we are getting there.

We also decided to go back to church - we are going this Sunday for the first time in 4 years and the priest that married us is the one who is doing the mass which I am very happy about.

Baby steps - but at least we are moving foward.

Tired Hubby

My Favorite Place to Be

THE COFFEE SHOP

This weekend I enjoyed a pumpkin latte and an apple caramel latte - yum - I love Fall!!!

Getting the Baby Itch

I am feeling good - things I hope and believe are going in a positive direction now. The supplements, medicine and yoga I believe are helping - ALOT.

So that has got me thinking of TTC again. I am beginning to come out of my depression over the miscarriage and I am ready to grow and move forward.

My husband on the other hand is not. I told him I would really love to do a treatment in January - new year - fresh start - well he shot that right now - he says he is not ready and thinks spring would be a better time to do our next treatment. Spring is so far away.

I guess I have to respect that he is still grieveing and that the loss of our child was harder on him because he has never had a loss before - unlike me who has had a ton of loss in my life.

But I am scare we will never be on the same page again. He already said he only wants to do one more treatment and if it does not work he does not have the strength to go through it again - and all I can think is I am the one that has to do all of the work. But I have to understand that he is a part of this too.

I have to respect his feelings but at the same time I want to move forward. Has anyone else dealt with this type of situation - where one partner is ready to move forward but the other is not?? What did you do? How did it work out?

LOVE

Allergy Testing - FAIL

I went in for my testing for food allergies yesterday - first they tested it on my skin to make sure I did not have a serious reaction. After that she became sticking the needles in me to test me and we were talking and I said I cannot believe I am getting tested for 96 different food allergies and she said oh you are not being tested for food allergy you are being tested for regular allergies.

I said no I am suppose to be tested for food allergies. She looked at my chart and said the doctor only has you marked down as allegies and I said yes but I am telling you it is for food allergies and she said the doctor was away on vacation until next week and she cannot make that call. I will have to call back next week - speak with him or leave a message for him and see if he wants to do the food allergy testing.

So I am allergic to maple, dust mites and cockroaches - which is strange that they even test for cockroaches. I have to wait and call back and set up yet another appointment to be testing for food allergies. I almost feel like they did this on purpose to be able to bill me twice.

Everything Happens for a Reason

It is cold, dark and nasty outside today - the kind of day that makes you want to stay in bed.

But I feel good today - I believe the supplements and medication are working on my thrush because it seems to be getting better.

I am trying to focus on the positive now and let go of all the negative. Yes I have a blood clotting disorder - but it is better that I know about it rather than not know about it - yes I have thrush and have not been in the best health but I am working on that and getting better.

Yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of my mother's death - I cannot believe she has been gone 10 years already - I am at peace now with her dying so young - I use to be angry that I did not get to live my life and had to take care of everything at such a young age - but maybe that is the way my life was suppose to go - and losing your mother and such a young age and becoming an oprhan - my life could of ended up way different - I could of gone down alot of bad roads but I did not - that is because I had good parenting and a stong foundation.

We were poor growing up - poor as on Welfare and Housing Assistance, poor as there was not always enough food in the house. There was alot of drinkers and drug addicts in our family and you would think that since my brother and I were left on our own at 17 and 19 years old respectively that we would easily turn to what was around us - but we did not - we got jobs - we went to school - we worked hard to be better - neither one of us to this day drink or do drugs - neither of us are on welfare or housing assistance. My brother is a Marine and has fought for his country. I believe that all started with my mother and how she raised us.

I turned my life around before and I can do it again - things are going to get better. Just like 10 years ago when my life forever changed - I knew nothing was ever going to be the same - I knew I was not going to be able to go off to college with my friends - but it did not turn out so bad and looking back now I can see that - so maybe 10 years from now I will be able to look back on my miscarrage and how bad this year has been and see what I needed to gain and learn from it. I do believe everything happens for a reason. We may just not know all of the reasons yet.

Today is a good day and tomorrow is going to be a even better day.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day.

Hopeful

Thank you for all of the wonderful advice on how to destress. I appreciate it and I am going to take some of the advice - starting tonight - I am going to take a bath - I have not taken a bath since we moved into our house almost 6 years ago.

I am taking yoga class twice a week and I am going to a therapist once a week - and it is helping. I think I just need time. My therapist did offer for me to get a pysch exam to see if I need medication. I told her I would think about it. She said I have not properly grieved for the loss of my baby and I have not grieved all the bad news I have been getting as far as my health is concerned. She said I have to take one thing at a time and not get to ahead of myself.

Now onto the hopeful part. I went to a Nutritionist yesterday for the first time and it was great. He said that I am under alot of stress which is affecting my digestion - he said I have alot of problems with my stomach and liver. He put me on some supplements. I am taking another probiotic, two digestive enzymes and a supplement for my thrush with Kale and Brussel Sprouts. I have to go back in two weeks to see how I am doing - he said I should feel a change by then and start to feel better. I sure hope this works - but I am hopeful right now.

I am so ready for things to start turning around and for good things to start happening.