To Good to Be True

I am freaking out because everything is going so well in this pregnancy and that is not like me - I do not have good luck - I do not have good things happen to me - this is such a blessing and I am so grateful - but all I keep thinking is I am waiting for the other shoe to drop - isn't that sad.  I just want a healthy baby boy at the end of this.

I am missing my mom so much - she will be gone 11 years on October 3rd and sometimes it seems like yesterday - I wish she was here with me now - I seems so much harder being pregnant without my mom - I am actually jealous of my SIL who is due 3 weeks after me because she has her mom and her sisters and I have no strong female presence in my life.

Please please let Colin stay in there for 40 weeks and please please please let him be a healthy happy baby - that is all I want.

Colin at 22 weeks

Everything went well at the ultrasound today - his heart is great as far as they can tell.  Normally they do not do photos at the fetal echo - but I asked for one and they did a 3D one for me - Colin was not cooperating very well - he kept putting his hands in front of his face -  in the photo it does look like he is giving everyone the finger - LOL - he is so cute already - I am just so in love with him.

22 Weeks

I am feeling pretty good - the only real complaint I have is sleeping - I do not sleep very well anymore - but that is just preping me for all those middle of the night feedings.

I am so very grateful and happy to be pregnant and to be having a healthy pregnant.  I have a fetal echo ultrasound this afternoon - I cannot wait to see my little man again - I hope everything goes smoothly. 

I still worry every time - because when we lost the first baby - we found out by ultrasound - so whenever I have to get an ultrasound I am a bag of nerves until they tell me everything is okay.

Here is a 22 week picture.

Me and My Plans

So John and I talked last night and I think we came up with a game plan regarding Colin and daycare.  We are going to spend the next two months seeing if we can live without my paycheck.  I plan on putting my whole paycheck into our saving account.  This way we will build up some saving and see what it would be like.  We also plan on starting to cut back now too.  I am going to do my food shooping at Shop Rite or Pathmark instead of Acme which is more expensive - I am also going to try and cook every night so we save money on going out to eat and ordering in.  We are going to start cutting coupons and other odds and ends to cut back.  If it works out then I will tell my boss in December that I will not be coming back.  There is no way I can take a leave of absence - it is a very small law office - when I say small I mean me and the attorney - I basically run his office - so he will need someone else and I cannot expect him to save my job for me.  I will ask for possible night or weekend work from him though.  I want to take off for 6 months to a year and then look at getting back into the job market if possible. 

In other news my brother just made Staff Sergeant in the Marines - I am so very proud of him!!!!!!

Struggling

I am having a really hard time with the thought of putting Colin in daycare.  Everytime I think about it I get so upset.  I do not know how women do it.  We have tried for so long and so hard to have this child who is so very much wanted and for me to just give him to a stranger for 8 hours at day at only 8 weeks old - I just do not think I can do it.

As my readers know I am a planner - I have planned everything so far about this pregnancy and this baby and have been far ahead in the process but one thing I cannot bring myself to do is call the daycares.  I have 4 names of in home daycares that I need to call - they were all referred to me by people I know but I just cannot bring myself to do it.

John and I have been talking about it and he would really like if I could stay home with the baby too.  But talking about it and actually do it are two seperate things.  We totally wiped out our savings account with all of our IVF treatments and medication we had to pay for.  So we have no real back up right now.

I have a good job which I love that pays good money and benefits.  My heart says to stay home with the baby but my head says who give up a good job in this ecomony??

I am just so confused and lost on what to do - if I quit my job we could make it work - it would be hard but we could make it work - we would just have to cut corners and make sarficies.

All my friends are telling me to stay home - that I do not want to miss all of the first and they know how much I have wanted this child.

I guess I will talk to John more about it and go over our finances and see what we can do - and then maybe talk to my boss about possibily working part time at night and/or on the weekends - not ideal but it would be better than nothing.  If there is a will there is a way - right??

Sleep Trouble

I think it is too early in this pregnancy for me to be having sleep trouble but I am.  It is mainly my hips - I am usually a back sleeper so sleeping on my sides is difficult for me and I think all the pressure of my whole body - including my extra belly weight is just pressing on my hips the entire night - I wake up so very sore.  What can I do to make it better.  I have a boppy pregnancy pillow but it sucks - it is too puffy for me I am not that big yet.  So I have been sleeping with a down pillow between my knees and that does not seem to be helping so I tried putting a fluffy towel on the bed where my hip lays and that did not help - I am out of options - does anyone have any suggestions because I am not sleeping good at all and I am exhausted and it is far to early in my pregnancy to have such discomfort - right??

Childhood Rocker

Before

After

More Baby Purchases

I have bought a ton of clothes so far.  I have to stop buying stuff now and wait until after my shower to see what I get and what I still will need for Colin.  So of the other items I bought so far...

Aden and Anais Blankets

Dear Angel Lovie

Baby Care Timer

Trumpette Socks

Paint Color Help

So this is a picture of my bedding and accessories for Colin's nursery.

I need paint color help - I do not know what color to paint the room.  I was liking the light blue that is on the elephants ear in the bedding - but John is liking the green - I think the green is too bight.  It is a small room with cherry furniture.  The floors are hardwood with a dark tan rug and dark tan shades for the windows.  Any suggestions - you can go to the nursery tab on my blog to see what the nursery currently looks like - it is painted a light green now.  John was even thinking of doing the one main wall one color and then the other walls another color - but I just do not know what will look right.  Any ideas or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.   Thank you.

Maternity Leave

I finally was told what my maternity leave is going to be.  I will get 8 weeks unpaid.  I will not get a paycheck but my health insurance will still be paid for the 8 weeks I am out of work - which I think is fair.

If everything goes well - my last day will be January 20th and I will return to work on March 19th. 

John is going to take a week of of work when the baby is born and two weeks of at the end of March.

Our little man will start daycare at the beginning of April.  Now I just have to find one - I have a few places to call but I have been putting it off.

I did pick the baby's doctor though - I called them and they were great!!

My Little Man

20 weeks

He already has his own little personality!!

He loves to kick his feet and he always has one hand up by his face.  I am so in love with him already.

It's A Boy!!!!!

The ultrasound went so well!!!  The baby is healthy and measuring 4 days ahead.  We are so happy and cannot wait for the arrival of Colin John!!!!

Drama with my Godmother's Family

I am close to my godmother - especially after my mother died - she is older - 78 years old to be exact and her partner died just about a year ago and ever since then she has been in declining health.  I only live about 5 minutes from her house and her family lives about 45 minutes away - so at first I was there for her most of the time - taking her places and taking care of her and being there for her - but it got to be too much on me after about 9 months - I reached out to her family and said I needed help taking care of her - they were not happy about this and said I am not a family member and to butt out - so that is basically what I did. 

In April she went into the hospital right around the corner from my house for a bowel surgery - she did not recover well and was in the ICU for almost a month - it was hard on me and I was very stressed and upset - even seeing her like that was hard on me.  They even told us at one point she was going to die - but she pulled though and did well and was out of the hospital in about another 3 weeks.

Then they found she had a serious heart problem and needed to have open heart surgery.  I told her now that I am pregnant I will not be coming to the ICU to see her - I will wait until she is better and in a rehab before I come to see her.  For one I should not be in an ICU pregnant, plus it was so hard and stressful on me last time and she does not even remember her time in the ICU last time and would not even remember be being there so why put myself through the stress - she said she was fine with my decision - well apparently she did not tell her family.

Her open heart surgery was on Friday - her one niece called me and let me know she made it through the surgery okay.  Then on Sunday her friend e-mailed me to let me know that she had visited her and she was still intubated but doing okay.  So today I decided to e-mail her other niece to to see if she knew how my godmother was doing. 

Well the niece flipped out on me - saying I have alot of nerve and I should go visit her myself.  Apparently she had a caraic arrest on Monday night - now of course they did not call me or e-mail me to tell me - but I am the one with the nerve.  They think my decision not to visit her is wrong and they are judging me for it.  With my hormones being crazy this has really made me emotional - how dare them judge me.  I am so sick of her family being so mean to me - when I was the one that had to ask them to step up after taking care of her by myself for months.  I need to focus on me and my baby right now and that is the most important thing to me and they should not make me feel bad about that.

I am hoping to call the hospital today and see if they will give me any information - I will no longer be dealing with her family - why should I let them add stress to me and the hospital she is in now is a good 45 mins away from me so it is not like I can pop in anytime like I did the last time she was in the ICU.  Why go there an upset myself when she will not even remember me being there because they have her so drugged up.

Sorry just had to vent.

Nervous about Thursday

Thursday is the big ultrasound to determine what we are having and to make sure the baby is on track and I am scared to death.  I am small - I am carrying really small - I am going to be 20 weeks on Thursday and I have not gained much weight - my weight depends on the time of day I weigh myself.  I started out pre-pregnancy at 128 pounds.  If I weigh myself in the morning I am 129-130 pounds.  If I weigh myself in the evening I am 133 pounds - so best case I have only gained 5 pounds - I should of gained more by now.  I really am eating alot - it is only 9 am and I have only been up since 7 am and I have already had apples and grapes and greek yogurt.

I am scared the baby is not going to be measuring properly - that the baby is going to be too small or something is going to be wrong with the baby.  I know alot of women carry small - I have no clue if that runs in my family - since all of my female family members are deceased and all that is left is male cousins - I have no point of reference.

Please please please let this baby be healthy.

One good thing is I felt baby kicks for the first time yesterday afternoon - like real kicks - it was so amazing.

Children's Books

Please give me suggestions of your favorite children books - I want to start a collection for my little one.

Non Professional Photos

Our maternity photo shoot went so well - the rain held off and we got some great photos.  Here are some photos my cousin took with my camera - I am sure the professional pictures will look so much better - I should get them in about a month.