I will never forget this day one year ago. I went in for my last appointment and ultrasound with my RE. John was not even going to come because he was busy at work and it was just routine by now. He decided to show up at the last minute after I was already in the back room getting set up for the ultrasound and thank goodness he came. I was 11 weeks pregnant - so happy and filled with joy and so excited about our future and the future of the little person growing inside of me.
I will never forget the ultrasound tech's face and then she said the most horrible sentence that I think I will ever hear - there is no heartbeat - the baby is gone. I started crying immediately - how can my baby be gone. I never dreamed this could happen to me. I always thought when we did IVF it would either work or will not work - I would never dream - I would get pregnant only to lose the baby.
11 weeks along - I saw my baby grown from a little tiny bean - a spot on the screen - then we saw the heartbeat and then the limbs started to grow and form into a real looking baby - each week I got a ultrasound - and each week it became clearer to me that I was finally going to become a mother. Something that we hope and dreamed about for so long.
Then to have it all taken away is just unexplainable - you do not understand the amount of pain unless you have been through it yourself. I wish my baby was here - but I guess my little bean was just too beautiful for this earth. I will always remember my first baby.
13 comments:
Thinking of you today as you continue to mourn the LO that should be in your arms. It's been eight days since I said goodbye to mine. They are angels now who will take care of each other and of us.
I hope that in time you will be able to try again and help to fill the hole in your heart.
My heart still aches for you!! {{{HUGS}}}
I am so sorry that you have to go through this Jackie. ((hugs))
Thinking of you today and your lost little one. Hugs.
I have felt that same heartbreak at 11 weeks and its the most devastating, helpless, alone feeling you will ever feel. I am sorry for your loss, I know it still hurts like it was yesterday
I can't even imagine how it feels to almost be in what many people feel is the "safe zone" past 12 weeks, and to see the little one growing, and have this happen. Loss sucks and my heart hurts for you. But you are right, your bean will always be your first baby.
I am thinking of you. I understand your pain, and it is so hard to wander through. I pray you find some peace today as you remember.
Thinking of you today. Big ((hugs))
It is a memory that we never forget! I cried when I read your post because I've had that same memory when I had my first miscarriage. ((Hugs))
I remember reading the posts last year about your loss and some other losses that day on the boards. I am thinking of you all today and your LOs. Sending you lots of T & Ps.
holding you in my heart and in prayer...
Thinking of you and your lil bean. These are the kind of "anniversaries" that hurt :( Hugs.
How tough. Just when you were getting excited. how unfair. i know you will always love your baby.
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