Hopeless

Am I going to be one of the women who just does not have children no matter what she tries. IS it ever going to work - am I ever going to get pregnant and have a healthy child. I cannot even let myself think about life without children - but what if that is my fate - I was never one of those girls who dreamed about their dream guy or dream wedding - I honestly never even thought about it but from the time I was little I can remember wanting to be a mom. I remember putting a pillow under my shirt and pretending I was pregnant and I saved my rocking chair I had as a child in the hopes that one day my child would use it. I prepared all my life to be a mom - I remember noting things I would do with my children that my mom could not afford to do with me and my brother and now it may never happen. John would be such a good father - this is just not fair.

Also I am dreading the holidays - especially Christmas - I have all of these places to go and I am hosting Christmas dinner this year for DH's family and I just found out that I have a baby shower to go to on Dec 27th - how am I ever going to get through all of this without having a total breakdown. I feel like God keeps testing me over and over again.

I think it is going to be really hard to wait three months to find out if DH's surgery works - it is a long time to wait - but hey I guess we have wait two years - what is three more months.

I said that I wanted this break so that I can stop thinking about TTC and just get away from it all but how am I suppose to get away from it all when it is always running through my mind. I do not think I will rest or stop thinking about it until a child of my own is in my arms.