So tired of coming up with titles

Thanks for all the responses to the dresses. I will post pictures of me in the dresses when the time comes.

I went this weekend to see DH's couins newborn daughter - I was nervous and upset about going - not sure how I would feel - but it turns out I did okay and I felt okay - it was nice to hold that tiny little baby and know that one day I will be holding my own tiny little baby in my arms.

We have so much fun stuff coming up in the month of May that I am looking forward too. We have my SIL 30th birthday party - that is going to be so fun - we are getting a limo to go to it - so we do not have to worry about driving and I have my A.C. Trip - I am getting excited about that too.

My brother called me - I missed the call and he left me a message - he thanked me for sending down all the presents to the girls and said he sent up some professional pictures that they had done of the babies. He has yet to say he was sorry for what he did to me. I called him back but got no answer - he is suppose to go overseas in a few days - he is a Marine and I have not spoken with him or seen him in over a year. If something happened to him over there - I just cannot think like that. I hope to at least be able to talk to him before he goes.

I went to the bank to deposit some money in our savings for IVF yesterday - we hit the $ 9,000 mark - our goal still seems so far away. I decided yesterday to go on my RE website to see his success rates for IVF - and I started reading about all that is involved in IVF and I started to freak out a little - I do not know if I can do this - it is going to be so hard on my body - how do women do this everyday. I know it is what we are going to have to do to have a child - but I am so scared.

Tell me what you think

Below are picture of the two new dresses I bought - since we have two weddings to go to in June. I would like to know what you think of them. I do tend to dress a bit funky with patterns - I love patterns. But these dresses are more revealing than I am use too.

The aforementioned popcorn heart

I couple of days ago I posted about the popcorn heart the hubs left on my bedside table - well I took a picture of it - here it is.

Pictures of the Hubs cutting down the tree

I know it is not very "green" to cut down a tree - but this tree was horrible - it has those little brown sticky balls that would land all over out yard. Plus it was right in the middle of where we wanted our deck to be. Not that we can afford to build a deck now. But we will be planting another tree once (if ever) our first child is born - just in a different place in the yard. So here is some pictures of my hubs actually working - LOL.

I am OUT on Facebook

In honor of National Infertility Awareness week - I decide along with some other girls from the nest to come out about it on facebook to try and raise awareness.

I have post a profile pictures of the NIAW sign - I put a brief description of our IF siutation on my page and every day for the week I am going to put informative facts about infertility in my status update.

I figure I would get good responses or none at all. Well the first comment that I got was "We are over-populated already"

So of course I had to say something back to this facebook "friend" So I said what do you mean by that? Then he said it was just messing around - so I said it was not funny and this was a serious issue that I was personally dealing with and that I was trying to raise awareness just for the fact that people like him make comments like that. Then he said he was sorry - then he wrote me a whole paragraph on his view on children and that he did not mean to offend me.

I am not sure how much more negatively I can deal with - but I guess that is what you get when you put yourself out there. You have to take the good with the bad.

The Tree is Down

So the hubs actually did it - he finally cut the tree down in the backyard. I took many pictures - I will have to post them at a later time. But it is down - we needed to take it down to make room for the deck we want to put on the back of the house. So John and I went to price out how much the deck would cost yesterday. I want a wood deck - with black railings to match the front of our house and solar lights on the posts.

Yeah that is not happening - it will cost about $ 2,000 for everything. Sad Face. Why in the world did I only think it was going to cost like $ 500 - I am crazy. John said we may be able to do it but I doubt it - another option is to just to the base and wait until we have money to do the railings - but I do not think I would like that either because if I start a project I want to finish it. I really wanted to have a deck build before our big yearly BBQ in June. Not sure if it will happen now. Here are some pictures of what I wanted the railings to look like - except on the top of the post I would have black solar lights.

Reason # 987

Of why I love my husband. Last night we were eating popcorn and John took a handful of popcorn and headed to bed - later when I came up to bed - there was a heart of popcorn on my bedside table. It is those sweet, simply things that he does that makes me love him even more.

I am going dress shopping tonight after work - I am not really a big dress person - but I have alot of events coming up, including two weddings, two bridal showers, two birthday parties and a trip. Hence not being able to save so much for IVF - getting off track - anyway - I need nice things to wear to these events - so I am going dress shopping tonight.

I have a confession - I am addicted to Facebook - I hope I am not alone here - I just love it -it is so entertaining. I need a life.

This weekend is suppose to be nice - I am hoping that John will tackle one of the biggest house projects - removing a huge tree in our backyard - I hate this tree - it has those little balls on it - that stick to everything - it needs to come down anyway to make room the for next big project - the deck we want to build in the backyard. I hope John is able to do it this weekend.

I am Ovulating

Yep - I am ovulating - really not that big of deal - it is not like I have trouble ovulating - but at least I have the timing down right. I took one of those OPK just to make sure and sure enough I got a smiley face. So we will be trying it the old fashion way. Who knows - maybe this is just the break we needed.

Still a Nice Weekend

Even though my brother totally dissed me and made me so upset - it still turned out to be a nice weekend for us. On Friday we went to dinner with friends on Sat- despite the rain and cold we had a BBQ - with just a few people - we even brought out the fire pit - here are some pictures.

No Visitors

My brother and his family did not come and I am so upset and pissed. On Thursday when they were suppose to come down - he said they were having car trouble - and they would not be able to come until Friday - okay fine. Then Friday comes and he calls and says they are not coming because they do not have any money for gas and stuff - first of all he knew about this trip for months - so why did he save any money and second I asked him if he had a credit card he could use to pay for the gas and he said yes but he does not want to use it - well that was just a slap in my face.

I spend an entire day cleaning up my front and back yard for an Easter egg hunt we were going to have. I spend days cleaning and baby proofing the house and setting up the guest room - I even got a pack and play - I spent over a $ 100 on toys for the babies and made them Easter baskets. I spent over $ 200 in food for all of us. I invited 30 people over for a BBQ that was suppose to be today in their honor - and both my husband and I use 3 of our vacation days to take off for them. My cousin Ricky bought all the food to make Easter dinner for them and my godmother bought all kinds of toys for the babies as well.

I sent both him and his wife a long e-mail. I told them they were selfish and immature. Above all the things I did and bend over backwards so that they would have a nice trip - most of all I was so excited to see my nieces - I missed them so much. I cannot believe my brother did this - it is going to be hard to forgive and harder to forget. I am heartbroken.

Vistors are coming

Today is my last day of work - I have 5 days off - yes.

My brother is suppose to come in sometimes tomorrow evening with his family - I am so excited. I have not seen my brother or his family in almost a year. Little Sadee Lynn turned 1 on Sunday the 5th - one already - I cannot believe it - so of course I have a tons of present for her and a few for Emma too because we cannot leave her out.

I also made them Easter baskets - since they will be here on Easter - just toys - not candy - they are too young yet for candy. I think they turned out pretty good - here is a picture.

This is what happens when you are bored

You take pictures of each other - while hanging out on your porch.

My Husband Is Great

I have had a rough couple of days - just feeling down and sorry for myself. I guess with the arrival of AF it just made me feel sad. I guess my hubby realized that because he came home last night with a bottle of wine and Chinese food - we ate then sat on the porch and listen to music and had a few glasses of wine - it was nice - I needed that. Then this morning I wake up to breakfast in bed. He is so thoughtful and knows just what I need just when I need it.

I am feeling better today - my hopes are back up for this next cycle - we are going to try again for the miracle break cycle BFP.

My nieces will be here in less than a week - I went out today and bought them way to many toys - that is what an Aunt is for - to spoil them.

I am truely blessed to have my husband - and we have a good life and one day we will have a child.

Feeling Left Behind

I am just having a really down day today. First of all I finally got my period - I guess it was just late because I am stressed - but I had the tiniest bit of hope that maybe just maybe we could be one of those couples who got pregnant on a break cycle. Guess not.

Then I go on the board - and I go to SAIF and some of the ladies on there are trying or pregnant with # 2 - these are the same women I started on the boards with - I just feel so left behind - I just want to be over on SAIF already.

We are going to a conformation party this weekend for one of John cousin's sons - John and his cousin are roughly the same age - and his cousin has a child old enough to make conformation and we are not even pregnant yet - granted the cousin had the son at an early age - but still.

There are two cousins that are pregnant and due very soon with their little girls - and instead of being happy for them - all I keep thinking it I am going to have to go visit them once the babies are born and hold the newborn babies - and how much that is going to kill me - I wish I did not have to go - but that would be totally wrong of me not to go.

Then I was thinking about my infertility and it will be over three years because we even attempt IVF - over three years of TTC - I never thought it would take this long and who knows how much longer we have to go.

Then I start feeling sorry for myself - thinking maybe I am not meant to be a mother. Maybe there is a reason this is happening.

Applied

So I applied for the job today - not really into it - I just do not know what it is - I should want to better myself - move forward - but employment is really one of my major flaws. I have only had two jobs in my entire life - yes I am 27 and have only had two jobs - sad I know. I worked in a mens work clothes store as a sales clerk for 6 years - when I was a teenager and as I work my way thru school. Then once I got my assoicates degree I applied for a few jobs - got one interview - and they hired me - I have been working here now for almost 6 years - I have applied for only 4 jobs in my life, and only gone on three interviews - so I am not very good at this whole job thing - I know it is probably time to leave my current job - since I work in a nuthouse but I am scared. You just never know what will happen.

I am still waiting on AF - I thought she would be here by now - I know last month I was a bit late - I think because of the clomid - and now that I am not doing treatments - I am not really following my cycle as much as I do when I am on treatments - but I am pretty sure it should be here by now. In the back of my head I am hoping all the people who said "just relax" are right and that we somehow magically get a break cycle BFP - but I am sure AF will show here ugly head today or tomorrow.