Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Things are bad
My husband has become more and more distant. He is not coming around - he is freaking out and I do not know what to do. We have talked about this for over a year - we have saved for over a year - we have been to the consult - we even watched how to give injections on You Tube. I thought we were ready - I thought he was ready. But I do not think he his and I do not know what to do - he has totally shut down. He will not talk to me - he says he is overwhelmed and scared it is not going to work. He is nervous about spending all of this money in this bad economy and I am not sure what to do. I want to go through with it - I am hoping he will step up but at the same time what if he doesn't. He says he will be fine once we start - he says he needs to just work through his feelings. But all we do is fight. I really do not need this kind of stress right now. I am so ready, so willing and able and excited and hopeful. How can my husband be the total opposite. I asked him if he wanted to go talk to someone - I even told him I would set it up for him but he said no. I do not know what else to do. I am suppose to start the BCP for IVF in one week.
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18 comments:
Jackie, I am so sorry. That is such a TOUGH situation. Thinking of you and your husband...
makingmemom.blogspot.com
Oh no! I will be praying for you and your husband...God has the power to work everything out and I'll pray that He intervines and that this situation disapears before BCPs!
If he saved with you and prepared with you by watching the Youtube videos, etc, I wonder if this is less about wanting or not wanting it and more just the stark fear of IVF. It is very scary. I know I was all for clomid when we were at that stage but when it got closer I was frightened. That is nowhere near as frightening as the IVF process. Studies have found the stress levels for a pesron going through IVF is similar to cancer patients going through treatment. So the stress is understandable. the fact that he was behind you all this way, for all this time says this isn't a hasty decision, and so I hope his fears and doubts now are related not to going through with it necessarily but fear of the process.
I wish you luck.
Here from LFCA
Also here from LFCA, but I recognize you from the Nest, I think :) (I'm guitaristsgirl) Your story reminds me a lot of my good friend. . . her DH reacted in much, much the same way. Even after they found out she was pregnant, the continued fighting. All her girlfriends were really concerned, if we're being perfectly honest.
Then, just a little while ago - they found out the sex. And all of a sudden, it was like a switch flipped. He was sending out emails to everyone he knew (many of whom didn't even know they were expecting!), buying books, making plans, etc. It was like the stress and fear finally broke and he allowed himself to be excited.
I hope you don't mind me sharing this, I mean for it to encourage you. Guys are so weird, and often internalize things, in my experience. That doesn't always mean that they've changed their mind. . .
((Hugs)) to you.
I'm so sorry that DH isn't being more supportive right now. That puts you in a terribly difficult spot! It sounds like he's just processing things in his own way...unfortunately he's sort of taking that out on you. I hope that he comes around in time for you to start your BCP/IVF cycle with peace of mind. (((HUGS)))
Here from the LFCA as well.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I haven't been through the exact same thing, but there have been many times where I've felt that my husband and I were on very different pages in this journey, and those times were some of the hardest on me - feeling alone and unsure of whether to move forward if we weren't united.
One of the things that helped me was my counsellor reminding me that men process things very differently, and they also bond with children much later than women do (generally). I was deeply bonded to my future babies long before we even began treatments, and even now that I'm pregnant, I still question whether my husband is as connected to this baby as he should be (or I think he should be!) It helps me to remember that his feelings are his responsibility, that he will connect in his own way, and that his feelings did not determine the success of treatments. I had to learn to trust him when he said that he was really ok with our treatment plan, even if I sensed there were other emotions there for him as well.
It sounds similar in some ways - he's not saying he doesn't want to do it, he's just saying he's scared and overwhelmed. That is ok. It is a really scary thing in lots of ways. The stakes are high, and sometimes hope can make a person so afraid and vulnerable.
I will hope and pray that he finds some peace so that he is able to support you and you are able to share this experience in a positive way.
My word verification word is "bless" - I hope that is a sign of wonderful things to come for you and your husband.
Found your blog from LFCA. My DH and I are having issues with the same thing. We are still a few months away from doing our first IVF, but at times I wonder if it will ever happen. The closer it gets the harder it is. I am so sorry this is all happening days before your cycle starts. You need your DH more now than ever!
Here from LFCA as well. I'm just going to throw out a whole bunch of stuff and you can disregard at will. :)
It sounds to me like your husband is really afraid, and aware of that, but not sure what to do with it. So he lashes out at you, because you're there, and since (in my experience) guys are not big fans of discussing fertility issues with other guys, he may not have anyone else who will talk with him about it out loud. Nobody can hurt you more than the person you love the most and live with.
Maybe you could both take a few minutes to go into separate rooms and write down a few lists: things you're afraid of, things you're excited about, questions you have, what you think will happen. Sometimes writing things down makes them more managable for me, less terrifying.
I sometimes wonder if IVF is scarier for guys because they have no control over the process. Which means that they haven't thought about the details as much (injections, drug side effects, etc.) - it just seems like one, huge, unFREAKINGbelievably expensive, mystery. Maybe you could ask him, "what can I do to help you?" Maybe instead of fighting back with him, you can say calmly, "I'm not going to fight with you because I think this is about fear, and until we can calm down and discuss that, I'm going to go in another room." (This is all stuff which is easy to say from a distance, I know.)
I hope you can find a way to communicate. Be kind to yourselves: as others have said, this is so overwhelmingly stressful, and there isn't much of a support network out there for couples dealing with fertility problems. Except us! We're here for you.
I think that putting all of your (proverbial and literal) eggs into one basket is always terrifying. As the one who is going to be doing most of the "work" in IVF, it also gives you a little bit of control. I think it's hard for the men in our lives to have that much faith sometimes. To work so hard towards something with no guarantees.
I know that it's difficult but I think that you might benefit by just trusting him when he says that he'll work it out. Try to act like he will and give him the space to do that hard work. It sucks that he isn't supporting you the way that you want and need but that doesn't mean that you won't get through this and get the end result that you BOTH want.
I wish you both the very best of luck. I actually found the IVF process far less frightening then it's made out to be and it felt good to be "doing" something....
I just want you to know I am thinking of you. IF is stressful before you even through IVF and other treatments into the mix. My experience has been the my DH just doesn't express his feelings as much- and when he does it seems to be hard to be vulnerable since he seems to see himself as more of the "protector" of my feelings.
So sorry that you are having to go through all of this!
I am so sry you all are going through this.
While blog hopping I found your blog and read your first post. I am sorry to hear that he is getting scared and shutting down. I don't know what I would do if my hubby wasn't as supportive as he is. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. Everything will work out how its supposed to in the end.
Maybe you should just make an appointment for both of you to talk to someone. Then just tell him when it is. Maybe he is hesitant to ask for help and needs you to make the first step. You know your husband.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
Don't take offense to this...
I know of what I speak. Did the whole infertility thing for 10 YEARS, marriage on the brink, the whole deal. Men are different than women, period. We are more feelings based, they are more practical. Quit harping on him, he is obviously interested in the process but apprehensive. Instead of insisting he support you, try turning the table and realizing he is hurting and anxious as well as you. Having a baby is not supposed to be work but sometimes it is.
Take a breath, let him have his space and stop making every single moment of your daily life about the treatment.
Again, do not be offended by what I am saying, I have been there. RELAX, if I could go back and tell myself that 10 years ago, wow, life would have been about the journey, not just the destination.
Kimberly-Canada
Coming from LAFCA too. I think you have a lot of advice here already. I just want to say that I have been through 2 cycles of IVF and I am thinking of you and your husband and wishing you the best of luck.
Coming from LAFCA too. I think you have a lot of advice here already. I just want to say that I have been through 2 cycles of IVF and I am thinking of you and your husband and wishing you the best of luck.
Here from LFCA too, and I went through the exact same thing with my DH. We had been talking about IVF, going to appointments, signing contracts for a year. And then when it came time to actually do our first cycle, he pedals backwards and says he's not sure about it (his concern was ethical, what to do with excess embryos).
Now, I had no problem with him having issues but what made me so angry was that he wasted a year not thinking about it until we were getting started. It was such a typical guy move - not thinking about something until he absolutely had to.
It was the worst phase ever in our marriage. We didn't talk to each other for 2 days and I barely slept at night. I have a hard time with confrontation but we finally hashed it out, and honestly? It sounds like a cliche, but we're much closer for it now. I think if I saw this happening again, (because honestly? I knew he wasn't really absorbing it in the prep cycles) now I'd MAKE him talk and think about it ahead of time. We've since moved beyond his concerns, and I really did want to honor them, it was just a matter to making him deal with it earlier.
I know it's not probably what you want to do after waiting 3 years, but if you talk to DH, he might really appreciate if you offer to push it off for one more cycle. I would hope he'd be so appreciative of a little time to digest that he's be 100% on board next month.
But it's a totally personal, I obviously don't know you or your husband. But if he's anything like mine, the extra breathing room might make a huge difference.
No matter what, GL!
I have definately been in your same shoes...my husband and I were already to start IVF in August but he went into a little freak out mode...to the point that we have decided to stop treatments for now. We did a year of trying, a year of treatments, and are now going back to a year of nothing...I have to say for him it was the realization that he just wasn't ready for a baby right now and starting IVF for him was having to face the fact that it might actually work...now of course I wish he had told me that 2 years ago b/c we are both only 27..but I was doing what I thought he wanted and he was doing what he thought I wanted...I asked him about counseling too...which he refused...it's like you get so focused on being the couple that can't have a baby that you actually forget to be a couple first...here is the post on my blog that I think you can relate to...http://jessicahobbs23.blogspot.com/search/label/figuring%20it%20all%20out
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