John and I have decided to do a FET at the end of June/Beginning of July.
I will call and set up an appointment in a few weeks for sometime in May to go over everything and for someone to explain the process to me and what medications I will be taking.
As of right now we have half of the money saved to do this but I know we will have it all by June.
I am excited that we have something to look forward to now and I pray that it works because it it does not work we are out of options.
Also we found out today that we got booked for Secrets Sanctuary Cap Cana - which is the newest and nicest resort in Punta Cana - I cannot wait.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
My IVF Journey
From the moment we got our dx of MFI and were told that IVF was our best chance I knew in my heart that is what it would take to get pregnant - even though in my mind I did not want to believe it and we went through 7 IUI's first - hoping that there was some slim chance that I would get pregnant. But also because I wanted to make sure I did everything in my power and all the treatments that were offered so I would not regret anything if we come out of this mess childless.
We had to wait over a year to do IVF because of money issues but I think it was good because it gave me time to get ready to become a parent because I knew in my heart this was going to work. I remember when we went to our injection class I was so excited I could barely stand it - because after over 3 years of TTC we are finally doing IVF!!!
The process was not hard for me - yes the 45 mins drive to the RE office every other day was no fun - but the shots were painless (even the PIO shots) and I really did not get bloated until the end and was never in any pain - just uncomfortable. All I kept thinking is this is going to work - I was not even scared or nervous - just ready. The ER went so smoothly and I got 18 eggs - which was amazing and even more amazing was that 15 fertilized. I will admit I was nervous about the ET but it went so good and was quick and smiple.
Then I wait until my beta to find out if it worked - which is not like me at all - I always tested as soon as I could with the IUI's but not this time - I just waited and it was so worth it because we were finally pregnant - and I was not freaking out I was just so at peace - like this was meant to be - this was our time and we were ready.
At our first ultrasound I was so scared we were not going to see a baby that I almost threw up and then there was one perfect little bean (which I was so happy about because I really did not want twins) I remember driving to work that day being totally content - I just could not stop smiling - my dream was finally coming true.
But now that my dream is gone - I am not sure how I am going to feel going into a FET. It is going to be so different for me - I am not going to be a peace and I am going to be so scared to death that something is going to happen and so negative that it is not going to work. I am not sure how I am going to go through this with an open mind and open heart.
We had to wait over a year to do IVF because of money issues but I think it was good because it gave me time to get ready to become a parent because I knew in my heart this was going to work. I remember when we went to our injection class I was so excited I could barely stand it - because after over 3 years of TTC we are finally doing IVF!!!
The process was not hard for me - yes the 45 mins drive to the RE office every other day was no fun - but the shots were painless (even the PIO shots) and I really did not get bloated until the end and was never in any pain - just uncomfortable. All I kept thinking is this is going to work - I was not even scared or nervous - just ready. The ER went so smoothly and I got 18 eggs - which was amazing and even more amazing was that 15 fertilized. I will admit I was nervous about the ET but it went so good and was quick and smiple.
Then I wait until my beta to find out if it worked - which is not like me at all - I always tested as soon as I could with the IUI's but not this time - I just waited and it was so worth it because we were finally pregnant - and I was not freaking out I was just so at peace - like this was meant to be - this was our time and we were ready.
At our first ultrasound I was so scared we were not going to see a baby that I almost threw up and then there was one perfect little bean (which I was so happy about because I really did not want twins) I remember driving to work that day being totally content - I just could not stop smiling - my dream was finally coming true.
But now that my dream is gone - I am not sure how I am going to feel going into a FET. It is going to be so different for me - I am not going to be a peace and I am going to be so scared to death that something is going to happen and so negative that it is not going to work. I am not sure how I am going to go through this with an open mind and open heart.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
My Brother Has Shingles
I feel so very bad for him - he is in so much pain - he found out he had them on Monday morning and he cannot sleep or move around much for that matter - he said he is so weak and the blisters just keep getting bigger and bigger.
I am a mom figure to him since I took care of him after my mom died. So he has been calling me about 3 or 4 times a day - he just keeps saying - why is this happening to me. You know when you are sick or in pain all you want is your mom - well I am the closest thing that he has to a mom now. I know he just wants me to tell him everything will be okay. I went online to find out ways to help him and e-mailed him what I found - I just wish there was more that I could do.
The doctor says it was brought on my stress - he is moving his whole young family across the country and does not even have housing set up on base yet - so of course he is mentally stressed but also he has recently gotten into bodybuilding and has put alot of stress on his body physically as well - so maybe that is why this happened. I always thought older people got shingles - my brother is 27 years old.
The doctor says the pain could last anywhere form 7 days to 100 days and may cause permenant weakness - and he will have scars - it is all over his back and stomach.
So there is my reality check - Here I am complaining about what I do not have and saying life is not fair - but life could be alot worse.
I hope my brother gets well very very soon.
I am a mom figure to him since I took care of him after my mom died. So he has been calling me about 3 or 4 times a day - he just keeps saying - why is this happening to me. You know when you are sick or in pain all you want is your mom - well I am the closest thing that he has to a mom now. I know he just wants me to tell him everything will be okay. I went online to find out ways to help him and e-mailed him what I found - I just wish there was more that I could do.
The doctor says it was brought on my stress - he is moving his whole young family across the country and does not even have housing set up on base yet - so of course he is mentally stressed but also he has recently gotten into bodybuilding and has put alot of stress on his body physically as well - so maybe that is why this happened. I always thought older people got shingles - my brother is 27 years old.
The doctor says the pain could last anywhere form 7 days to 100 days and may cause permenant weakness - and he will have scars - it is all over his back and stomach.
So there is my reality check - Here I am complaining about what I do not have and saying life is not fair - but life could be alot worse.
I hope my brother gets well very very soon.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Bitter and Pissed
I just cannot help it - I am so pissed off at my life right now - this is not where I wanted to be. I am so very unhappy. I am pissed off that I lost the baby - I am pissed off that I am not 21 weeks pregnant - I just want a family. My husband is still so distant - I ask if he wanted to go to counseling together and he said no. He will not even talk about the baby with me.
I was thinking of doing a FET at the end of June or the end of July - but that is only if the state of our marriage gets better. I think we are both just so pissed and sad and burnt out.
I just see how some people have things comes to them so easily and that never happens for me and I am pissed about it and at this point there is nothing I can do about it. I just want things to start going right - to be better. I want to be happy again. I do not want to feel like this anymore.
I am so very jealous of my SIL and I cannot help but to think all of the time how unfair life is.
I do not want to be this person - this bitter, jealous, sad person.
I was thinking of doing a FET at the end of June or the end of July - but that is only if the state of our marriage gets better. I think we are both just so pissed and sad and burnt out.
I just see how some people have things comes to them so easily and that never happens for me and I am pissed about it and at this point there is nothing I can do about it. I just want things to start going right - to be better. I want to be happy again. I do not want to feel like this anymore.
I am so very jealous of my SIL and I cannot help but to think all of the time how unfair life is.
I do not want to be this person - this bitter, jealous, sad person.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
5 vehicles
To explain. We do have five vehicles in our name but we do not drive all of them.
I have a car and John has a pickup up truck - that we keep at our house and drive everyday.
There is three other vehicles at John's parents house. There is a dump truck that John's brother uses and then his mother has a car and his father has a smaller pick up truck.
Yes we paid for all the vehicles and yes we pay for the insurance on all of the vehicles but we do not drive all of them.
See John's parents cannot afford vehicles on their own so we help them out - they were used and did not cost that much. John's father was able to fix them us and make them run smoothly.
John parents are not the best with money and his father has fallen ill and cannot work so we help them out anyway we can.
I have a car and John has a pickup up truck - that we keep at our house and drive everyday.
There is three other vehicles at John's parents house. There is a dump truck that John's brother uses and then his mother has a car and his father has a smaller pick up truck.
Yes we paid for all the vehicles and yes we pay for the insurance on all of the vehicles but we do not drive all of them.
See John's parents cannot afford vehicles on their own so we help them out - they were used and did not cost that much. John's father was able to fix them us and make them run smoothly.
John parents are not the best with money and his father has fallen ill and cannot work so we help them out anyway we can.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Still the same
Still bummed out and sad. I hate Thursdays because it is the day my ticker would change - I would of been 21 weeks today.
Here is a moment for you last night - we were hanging out with the neighbor and we were talking about SIL being pregnant and I said she does not even have a car and gets to be a parent and we have 5 vehicles and nothing and my husband said we would give up all 5 vehicles to have a baby - which is so very true.
In other news I have been a homeowners for 5 years today - I cannot believe it has been 5 years. I love my home. This year we are building a deck in the backyard which I am very excited about so now my yard may actually get some use.
I look at my house and it is ready for children - when we remodeled the kitchen - I had a deep sink put in so that I can bathe the baby in there and I also had a table and chairs put in because kids make messes. We have a huge backyard that is just perfect for a swing set - our home is ready for children.
To change the subject again - I have been working out for over a month now and I still have not lost a single pound - so I decided to start changing my diet - which is very hard for me to do because I love food. But I am trying to eat better now. I am on myfitnesspal.com and I am only suppose to eat 1200 calories a day to lost weight - which is very hard to do - but I am learning. I just love my carbs way too much.
Here is a moment for you last night - we were hanging out with the neighbor and we were talking about SIL being pregnant and I said she does not even have a car and gets to be a parent and we have 5 vehicles and nothing and my husband said we would give up all 5 vehicles to have a baby - which is so very true.
In other news I have been a homeowners for 5 years today - I cannot believe it has been 5 years. I love my home. This year we are building a deck in the backyard which I am very excited about so now my yard may actually get some use.
I look at my house and it is ready for children - when we remodeled the kitchen - I had a deep sink put in so that I can bathe the baby in there and I also had a table and chairs put in because kids make messes. We have a huge backyard that is just perfect for a swing set - our home is ready for children.
To change the subject again - I have been working out for over a month now and I still have not lost a single pound - so I decided to start changing my diet - which is very hard for me to do because I love food. But I am trying to eat better now. I am on myfitnesspal.com and I am only suppose to eat 1200 calories a day to lost weight - which is very hard to do - but I am learning. I just love my carbs way too much.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Sorry
I know this blog has been so depressing and sad lately and I am sorry to all of my readers who are probably sick of listening to me complain and be sad. But this is the state I am in right now. I am going to try and put a positive spin on this blog soon.
But for right now I have to say that I would of been 20 weeks today - half way thru my pregnancy and it makes me sad to think about. We would know what we were having and be decorating the room and registering for the baby. All the fun stuff. I only got to deal with the hard part of pregnancy with the morning sickness and being so very tired. I hope one day I will get to experience the fun stuff that comes with pregnancy.
Also this image of happiness keeps appearing in my head. It was on Christmas Eve. My brother was at my house with his wife and my two nieces - my nieces had gone to bed and me, John, my brother and his wife were sitting there watching Santa Claus 2 - and I was so happy - it was the holidays - my family was in town - my loving husband was sitting next to me and I was pregnant - I was going to start a family of my own - I was so happy - I think it was one of the most happiest times of my life.
Then I get sad thinking of where my life is now - my brother is about to move across the country and my husband is so distant and closed off right now and I do not have a baby in my belly - I will not be starting my own family. How things can change.
But for right now I have to say that I would of been 20 weeks today - half way thru my pregnancy and it makes me sad to think about. We would know what we were having and be decorating the room and registering for the baby. All the fun stuff. I only got to deal with the hard part of pregnancy with the morning sickness and being so very tired. I hope one day I will get to experience the fun stuff that comes with pregnancy.
Also this image of happiness keeps appearing in my head. It was on Christmas Eve. My brother was at my house with his wife and my two nieces - my nieces had gone to bed and me, John, my brother and his wife were sitting there watching Santa Claus 2 - and I was so happy - it was the holidays - my family was in town - my loving husband was sitting next to me and I was pregnant - I was going to start a family of my own - I was so happy - I think it was one of the most happiest times of my life.
Then I get sad thinking of where my life is now - my brother is about to move across the country and my husband is so distant and closed off right now and I do not have a baby in my belly - I will not be starting my own family. How things can change.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Trying to Focus
The main cause of my sadness is not only my miscarriage but also my marriage. It has taken a beating. Infertility is hard on a marriage and then add in a miscarriage and forget about it. My DH has been taken this loss very hard - harder than me because he has never had a loss before in his life - all of his family is still alive - the only funerals he has every been to were my family. Which is a good thing for him and his family but also a bad thing when it comes to coping with the loss of our first baby. He is just so reservered and quiet - I try to get him to talk about it but I can see the pain and sadness in his eyes.
I also think he wants to start trying again right away - even though he does not say that - he says I can take as much time as I need but I think in his heart he is ready and I am not ready yet.
We love each other and we will get through this - it is just amazing how much it has rocked our world - and not for the better.
As of right now I am just going to focus on what I can control which is my weight - I was always a small girl - so I never had to watch what I eat and exercise but I do now - I have been exercising for about 3 weeks now with no results - I am still in bigger pants I bought when I was pregnant - which has to change. So now I have to change my diet - if anyone has any suggestions on how to do this - I would be happy to hear them. I generally do not eat alot at all but when I do eat - it is never really healthy. I love comfort foods. Especially after everything I have been through - I have really loved my comfort food but it is showing on my body and I do not like that.
I also think he wants to start trying again right away - even though he does not say that - he says I can take as much time as I need but I think in his heart he is ready and I am not ready yet.
We love each other and we will get through this - it is just amazing how much it has rocked our world - and not for the better.
As of right now I am just going to focus on what I can control which is my weight - I was always a small girl - so I never had to watch what I eat and exercise but I do now - I have been exercising for about 3 weeks now with no results - I am still in bigger pants I bought when I was pregnant - which has to change. So now I have to change my diet - if anyone has any suggestions on how to do this - I would be happy to hear them. I generally do not eat alot at all but when I do eat - it is never really healthy. I love comfort foods. Especially after everything I have been through - I have really loved my comfort food but it is showing on my body and I do not like that.
Monday, March 8, 2010
It is Blogger Not Me
For some reason Blogger will not let me respond to any blogs. It is not me - I read alot of blogs and then I try to post something and it will not let me post - yet I can create new post on my own blog but I cannot even comment on my own post. Is anyone else having this problem??
Let me Explain
For some reason I am unable to respond to blogs or blog comments.
I do not mean to offend anyone or make anyone upset. This is my blog and a place for me to vent. Let me just say I am happy to all the IF girls that are pregnant - I wish the best for them. But it also makes me sad. I am happy for them but very very very sad for me because I want to be in their shoes. I would never ever want anyone to be in my shoes right now.
I am just in a sad dark place. Please do not tell me to go talk to someone because I do not want to. I just have to work through it in my own way on my own terms.
I do not mean to offend anyone or make anyone upset. This is my blog and a place for me to vent. Let me just say I am happy to all the IF girls that are pregnant - I wish the best for them. But it also makes me sad. I am happy for them but very very very sad for me because I want to be in their shoes. I would never ever want anyone to be in my shoes right now.
I am just in a sad dark place. Please do not tell me to go talk to someone because I do not want to. I just have to work through it in my own way on my own terms.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Would Probably Know What I Was Having By Now
One of the girls on the board that did IVF at the same time as me and got pregnant at the same time as me just announced her "BIG" ultrasound - I believe she was one day behind me so I guess if I was still pregnant I would know by now if I was having a boy or a girl. It made me cry.
My miscarriage ring came in the mail yesterday but I had to sign for it and no one was there so now I have to go today to pick it up at the post office.
My godmother's live in partner that she has been with for 20 years passed away yesterday - I have been there all week long - I am the only one that is close to her and I did not want to leave her alone - yesterday was a long day - I left my house at 7:30 am and did not get home until 10 pm - the funeral is Saturday. I will be with her for the rest of the week and the weekend. I bring her dinner, go food shopping and pick up her medicine - anything I can do to help.
John said maybe this is the reason why we lost the baby. Because God knew that she would need me and there is no way I could be running around like this - staying out so late if I was pregnant right now. Maybe he is right.
I am just so sick of loss. I miss my baby.
My miscarriage ring came in the mail yesterday but I had to sign for it and no one was there so now I have to go today to pick it up at the post office.
My godmother's live in partner that she has been with for 20 years passed away yesterday - I have been there all week long - I am the only one that is close to her and I did not want to leave her alone - yesterday was a long day - I left my house at 7:30 am and did not get home until 10 pm - the funeral is Saturday. I will be with her for the rest of the week and the weekend. I bring her dinner, go food shopping and pick up her medicine - anything I can do to help.
John said maybe this is the reason why we lost the baby. Because God knew that she would need me and there is no way I could be running around like this - staying out so late if I was pregnant right now. Maybe he is right.
I am just so sick of loss. I miss my baby.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
My RE and the FET
Last week my RE called my house to discuss doing a FET - he said he did not want us to save up for 6 months to start our next treatment cycle - that he would work with us and set up a payment plan or something. He said to talk to John and get back to him - well I never called him back.
Well he saw John today (they both work in the same town) and he stopped him and asked him if I had talked to him about making an appointment with him to discuss doing a FET. John said yes I told him and that we would be in touch.
I am not sure why he wants us to do a FET now - maybe there is a medical reason I am unaware of. Maybe there is a better success rate if it is done right after a miscarriage - has anyone heard of this??
Now I feel like I need to at least make an appointment to go talk to him - but I do not want to feel pressured to do something I am not ready to do.
Well he saw John today (they both work in the same town) and he stopped him and asked him if I had talked to him about making an appointment with him to discuss doing a FET. John said yes I told him and that we would be in touch.
I am not sure why he wants us to do a FET now - maybe there is a medical reason I am unaware of. Maybe there is a better success rate if it is done right after a miscarriage - has anyone heard of this??
Now I feel like I need to at least make an appointment to go talk to him - but I do not want to feel pressured to do something I am not ready to do.
Monday, March 1, 2010
It is amazing how different I feel one day to the next
On Saturday I was able to talk to my pregnant SIL - which I have not done in awhile - I have been avoiding her which is so wrong - we talked about her pregnancy - her ultrasound coming up - registering and baby furniture and I was fine. Very happy for her.
But today I feel dark - like I am in a dark place and I do not know how to get out of it. I am sad and I miss my baby. I am scared if I will get pregnant again will it be better or worse - will I be scared the entire time and stress myself out. All I can think about is the hope that we get pregnant on our own but also the saddness of the fact that we only have a 1% chance of that happening.
I guess I am kinda a mess today - at least I have work to distract me.
But today I feel dark - like I am in a dark place and I do not know how to get out of it. I am sad and I miss my baby. I am scared if I will get pregnant again will it be better or worse - will I be scared the entire time and stress myself out. All I can think about is the hope that we get pregnant on our own but also the saddness of the fact that we only have a 1% chance of that happening.
I guess I am kinda a mess today - at least I have work to distract me.
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