From the moment we got our dx of MFI and were told that IVF was our best chance I knew in my heart that is what it would take to get pregnant - even though in my mind I did not want to believe it and we went through 7 IUI's first - hoping that there was some slim chance that I would get pregnant. But also because I wanted to make sure I did everything in my power and all the treatments that were offered so I would not regret anything if we come out of this mess childless.
We had to wait over a year to do IVF because of money issues but I think it was good because it gave me time to get ready to become a parent because I knew in my heart this was going to work. I remember when we went to our injection class I was so excited I could barely stand it - because after over 3 years of TTC we are finally doing IVF!!!
The process was not hard for me - yes the 45 mins drive to the RE office every other day was no fun - but the shots were painless (even the PIO shots) and I really did not get bloated until the end and was never in any pain - just uncomfortable. All I kept thinking is this is going to work - I was not even scared or nervous - just ready. The ER went so smoothly and I got 18 eggs - which was amazing and even more amazing was that 15 fertilized. I will admit I was nervous about the ET but it went so good and was quick and smiple.
Then I wait until my beta to find out if it worked - which is not like me at all - I always tested as soon as I could with the IUI's but not this time - I just waited and it was so worth it because we were finally pregnant - and I was not freaking out I was just so at peace - like this was meant to be - this was our time and we were ready.
At our first ultrasound I was so scared we were not going to see a baby that I almost threw up and then there was one perfect little bean (which I was so happy about because I really did not want twins) I remember driving to work that day being totally content - I just could not stop smiling - my dream was finally coming true.
But now that my dream is gone - I am not sure how I am going to feel going into a FET. It is going to be so different for me - I am not going to be a peace and I am going to be so scared to death that something is going to happen and so negative that it is not going to work. I am not sure how I am going to go through this with an open mind and open heart.
12 comments:
I know exactly how you feel. I almost don't even want to try anymore because the hope you feel after getting pregnant isn't worth it if you have to go through the devastation of having a miscarriage. Hang in there
Oh Jackie, this pain never seems like it will end. There are always other what if's and obstacles to overcome. How much can our mental states handle? Why do we even have this drive to be a parent? My hope is that one day we are able to look back at this time of life and see how it made us stronger/better people and think how did we survive? And then we will look down at our wonderful children and know it was all worth it....but now while we are living it, it seems so far away.
I felt the same way (although I have never gotten pregnant from IVF). There is so much hope at your first IVF...after awhile the hope wanes and you aren't even sure why you are doing it anymore...
My hope for you is that you don't have to get to that point and that your FET works!
Oh Jackie, I am so sorry that innocence is gone! I will tell you through this whole pregnancy, even at today's ultrasound I was a nervous wreck. All I could think was "will this be the day we find out the baby is gone?" It's morbid but I can't help it but I am hoping that as each week goes by I will relax a little more. It will all be worth it in the end even if your heart isn't all in it while you are going through the process.
My story didn't unfold in quite the same way, but yes I can 100% relate. Having a miscarriage messes with our hopes and dreams. It's so hard to get up the hope. And having to repeat an IVF procedure, ugh, it feels like oh great- what disappointment next?
I can really relate. I wish it was easier...But the only way to get past this really is to try again. It majorly sucks.
I'm just so sad for you. I wish I could say something wonderful and positive and brilliant, but I'm feeling just as "messed up" I guess. You just put your all into it and then, wham, it's taken from you. I know it will happen again for you. It just has to :) What is a FET? I could google it I guess. Hugs to you.
Your allowed to feel that way, it's only natural.
I remember when we lost our daughter at 16w, knowing I had to go back and start all over again and then wonder if it took 6 transfers to fall pg once how long till the next. When we fell pg for the 2nd time I counted every second we got past the time when we lost our first one and it didn't stop and with complications I had him at 25w.
Sweetheart I totally understand where your coming from but once it does happen it's so worth it and you'ed do it all again if you had too.
xoxo
I wish I could take your pain away. I wish you never felt the loss you have.
I continue to pray for you and hope that soon you will have the strength and hope again.
Oh, I'm sorry. Holding on to hope is the hardest part, I think. Take care!
HUGS!
Hi Jackie, I started following your blog about a year ago when I was getting ready for my first go at IVF. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with the pain and frustration of losing a baby. I know exactly how you feel...we are going to be trying again soon after losing our baby at 19 weeks in September due to incompetent cervix...I still get angry/frustrated/jealous of other people. I hope and pray you can be happy and optimistic going into your next attempt, and I hope it is a success. Chin up! :)
I can imagine that it would be very scary to jump back in there. I pray that this FET brings your sticky bean. After all you've been through, you deserve your happy ending, dangit!
Post a Comment