I know this blog has been so depressing and sad lately and I am sorry to all of my readers who are probably sick of listening to me complain and be sad. But this is the state I am in right now. I am going to try and put a positive spin on this blog soon.
But for right now I have to say that I would of been 20 weeks today - half way thru my pregnancy and it makes me sad to think about. We would know what we were having and be decorating the room and registering for the baby. All the fun stuff. I only got to deal with the hard part of pregnancy with the morning sickness and being so very tired. I hope one day I will get to experience the fun stuff that comes with pregnancy.
Also this image of happiness keeps appearing in my head. It was on Christmas Eve. My brother was at my house with his wife and my two nieces - my nieces had gone to bed and me, John, my brother and his wife were sitting there watching Santa Claus 2 - and I was so happy - it was the holidays - my family was in town - my loving husband was sitting next to me and I was pregnant - I was going to start a family of my own - I was so happy - I think it was one of the most happiest times of my life.
Then I get sad thinking of where my life is now - my brother is about to move across the country and my husband is so distant and closed off right now and I do not have a baby in my belly - I will not be starting my own family. How things can change.
12 comments:
The last thing you should be worried about is how us bloggers feel. I love that you are so honest and open with what you are going through. I believe that is why we get so much therapy from our blogs and followers. I will continue to follow you and your blog through all your ups and downs. I continue to pray that your ups will outweigh the downs.
You have nothing to say sorry about, this is your blog. This is your journey and it is a sad one.
I really hope u do get to enjoy the next pregnancy.
Sorry it's your 20weeks today, can't imagine how hard it is for u
x
Please don't worry about what all of us think, and besides...all we are thinking is "I feel exactly like she does on most days." You just experienced some major heartbreak. Give yourself a break from thinking about what people are thinking. And if there are some haters out there, well then they can go you know what themself. Hang in there. :) And I know what you mean about holding onto that happiness image. I had that happy/peaceful feeling too, like all I ever wanted in the world, was finally here.
Just wanted you to know that you're on my mind. (((hugs)))
You shouldn't have to apologize... use the blog to express your true emotions. No one will judge.
Don't feel like you have to put a positive spin on anything. Those who love you will support you through good or bad. Besides, if you can't vent and be real in your blog, where can you? Sending you the biggest hugs ever and hoping things start looking up soon.
You don't have to appologies at all. It's your Blog and there is no where where it says they have to be happy posts all the time. This isn't a easy road to do down and when I lost my girl at 16w I found my blog a place of solitude, somewhere I could say exactly what I thought and how I was feeling.
Sening lots of hugs!
You shouldn't apologise for how you are feeling. You have been through so much.
I really hope that you find that happiness again some time soon.
Don't apologize. This is your space, and I get it 100%. I am glad that you still have hope for another pregnancy, but I think it's okay to be where you are right now. It's sad what's happened, and it's true thinking about the memories of being pregnant can be so tough. Just like life changed in that way, I hope life can change for the more positive for you as well.
Jackie- I am so sorry honey for how you feeel. I am feeling the same way. Please trust your heart, and try again when you feel it is right. Your hubby will come around, men usually go into their "cave" to grieve rivately, even in the best marriages. Praying for you!
-Heather
http://sweetnessandme.blogspot.com
***hugs*** thinking about you!
Sounds so similar to where DH and I were at following our IVF m/c-- one of the darkest place I have ever been. I vividly remember so many of the things we did and places we went during our brief pregnancy and just not having ever been happier! Then the m/c blindsided us. DH and I didn't even talk about it with each other because we were both too weak to lean against, which just made us both feel worse to not be able to turn to each other for support. We, especially DH, went through major swings in wanting to adopt right now to let's to IVF right away to let's do nothing cuz this is crap... we also got distant on accident. Luckily that part only lasted for a few months, but boy did the grief go on over and was so deep. Don't try to force yourself out of grief, and especially don't worry about forcing positivity here on your blog. If anything you NEED one place where you can let your IF ache be what it is and not cover it up- this is probably the best place for that. It will start to heal slowly in time. Not heal like it will go away, but you'll regain function and a sense of 'normalcy'.
I'm so so so sorry about this Jackie, these anniversaries are so dang difficult. I just hope that things are looking up by your EDD. (hugs)
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