I just cannot help it - I am so pissed off at my life right now - this is not where I wanted to be. I am so very unhappy. I am pissed off that I lost the baby - I am pissed off that I am not 21 weeks pregnant - I just want a family. My husband is still so distant - I ask if he wanted to go to counseling together and he said no. He will not even talk about the baby with me.
I was thinking of doing a FET at the end of June or the end of July - but that is only if the state of our marriage gets better. I think we are both just so pissed and sad and burnt out.
I just see how some people have things comes to them so easily and that never happens for me and I am pissed about it and at this point there is nothing I can do about it. I just want things to start going right - to be better. I want to be happy again. I do not want to feel like this anymore.
I am so very jealous of my SIL and I cannot help but to think all of the time how unfair life is.
I do not want to be this person - this bitter, jealous, sad person.
19 comments:
I am so sorry. It really isn't fair! And I am sorry that it affects your marriage too. My husband and I went through such different grieving processes about it too.
I swear sometimes I could deal better without seeing people around me, that does make it much harder!
My friend lost her twins at 22 weeks and she said the only thing that really helped her was getting pregnant again, and that even now with her new baby, it still makes her sad. Of course for ladies like us, that is much harder (she was not IF.)
I wish there is something I could say to make it better. :(
I just found your blog yesterday, and it has brought up a lot of emotions for me. I recently lost my third pregnancy at 15 weeks. (I have no children.) Sometimes I am okay and sometimes I am so angry. And jealous.
I went to a brunch with about ten girlfriends on Sunday. I had been doing pretty well with the loss, but one girl brought her baby and another was 20 weeks pregnant. I have been on a downward emotional spiral ever since. And like you said, I don't WANT to be this way. I want to be sunny and happy for my friends instead of being a jealous, bitter hag. But I don't know how.
I just want to let you know that I understand how you feel and I've been through/am going through much of the same with my husband. What helped me (not us) was reading up on how women and men grieve differently. I've only just realized this week that he is hurting just as much as I am, maybe even more because he can't vent about it in the way I do and he lacks the support that I get online. I know that he totally stresses about me falling back into a deep depression and that scares the hell out of him. I hope it helps to know you are not alone. This is a disgusting horrible twisted raod and I'm so sorry we are on it together. For me, I can't put all my hope on being pregnant again. I can't set myself up for that kind of disappointmenmt if it happens to end the same way. Sending you some peace today. Try to find some small pleasure in the day. Xoxo
I wish there were words that I could say that would mean anything to you right now. There are just not any out there.
I pray fo you. I pray for your husband. I pray for your strength. Most of all, I am praying for happiness for you.
I am so sorry you're going through this. Have you considered counseling for yourself, which could open the door for your husband? My husband stayed clammed up also, and when he did break down, he apologized to the point where it was like he committed a crime. The calendar and the reminders are the absolute worst.
anger is one of the phases of grief...COMPLETELY normal. You are not crazy, I promise. I went through it too...I became a person I didn't know for a while. But, the good thing is, the old me returned.
I wrote about the stages of grief once on my blog and if you want to see it, let me know and Ill find it for you.
Thinking of you!
Ditto!
Jackie, you're in my thoughts and prayers. This is so very hard. I know, I went through it myself. Anger is part of the grieving process, you just have to let yourself go through it. I too do not want to be the bitter and jealous person that I currently am. I am hoping with time that I will be my normal sunny happy self again. Hopefully, you will be too. I also recommend counseling even if your DH doesn't want to go. Just going by yourself may be a big help to you.
You have every right to be pissed. Plus this anger you're feeling is a normal part of the grieving process.
Forget your husband's unwillingness to go to counseling and go yourself. If you feel like it would help you, do it.
I'm so sorry you're hurting so badly.
I feel for you ,hope the situation improves
I'm so sorry you are going thru this...it sucks. I read your blog and what you write brings back how I felt when we couldn't conceive. I hope things start improving and you and hubby can talk and gather up the broken pieces and take the next steps.
I wish there were words that I could say that would help you right now. I pray for your strength and for you and your husband.
hi from your friend, depressed and sad...
I can understand and relate. I wish I couldn't. I wish no one ever had to go through losing a child. ((hugs))
Oh, and not that it will make you feel any better, but I did nominate you for a blog award on my blog.
Wish I could give you a hug. But I know hugs from strangers can be weird :) In all seriousness, I'm so sorry. Things really are not fair. And I've always been that person too, where things don't happen easily for them. It sucks. And it's frustrating and beats you down. But we just have to keep going and hoping that things will change. That we WILL be happy. I'm sorry your marriage is going through a rough spot. I thought Kelly's advice about going to a counselor on your own was a great idea. It then would open up the door for your husband to participate at some point, like she mentioned. I know it's just all so overwhelming right now, hang in there girl :)
It's so hard not to be that person when it seems like everyone else in life is sailing along easy street. It's hard to see it now, but try to focus on the fact that it will be your turn soon. In the meantime, it feels really good to scream "why me?" though. Hoping things start turning around for you really soon. ((hugs))
We went through a similar thing and it wasn't until my BIL took my hubby out and got him drunk that he finally lost it and let everything out. I was told from my OBS that men deal with loss differently and told me not to get mad at him, he does feel the pain as much as we do but they put on a tough front for us to get us through it.
It will take a while but as mentioned why don't you go to counseling yourself and maybe further down the track he may join you.
While we haven't suffered a loss, IF has definitely taken a toll on our marriage. We started counseling in November and it's definitely making a difference.
Our counselor is great. Her number one rule? If your partner says no to counseling: Go by yourself.
Hugs, sweetie. I know this is hard.
I'm sorry... Thinking of you...
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