Somewhat Better Today

Yesterday was a hard day - I was in a really crappy mood - I am bitter, sad, depressed and angry but there is not much I can do about my situation.

I have to let go and let God. I am not really a practicing Catholic - I have had a falling out with the church - but I feel as though I need to start praying more and just see what happens.

We have exhausted all of options - I have done everything in my power to get pregnant - at this point all we can do is save for IVF and hope for a miracle.

We had a nice night last night - we needed it. We cooked dinner together - we made steaks and baked potatoes with cake for desert and I had two glasses of wine. We ate dinner my candle light. I love my husband so very much.

Things will get better - it is just hard right now. I will never give up hope.

IUI # 7 - BFN

I took the test this morning at 13 dpiui and it was negative.

I cannot believe this crap. I was so sure I was pregnant - being so sleepy and all. It was like the perfect cycle - 3 good size eggs and great counts - I just do not get this - I just to do understand why it works for some people and not others.

I am really upset and John is even more upset - he has his hopes so high this time. Now we are done with IUI's - it was our last chance for an IUI to work. Now we have to wait - wait to save up enough money for IVF. I was so hoping we did not have to do IVF.

I just wish this was not happening - we have been trying so hard for so long and I was really wishing, hoping and praying this was it for us.

Sometimes I feel like we are never going to get pregnant and we are never going to have children of our own.

I am going to be more positive

I am going to be more positive, I am going to be more positive - I have to keep saying to myself.

This is going to work - it is going to be our Lucky # 7 - it has to work. I have to be pregnant and it will just be confirmed in three days. These are going to be the longest three days of my life.

I keep dreaming of our lives with a baby - or babies - how crazy and wondeful it will be.

My husband keep bringing me food - he is acting like I am pregnant - so I will too.

This is going to happen - I am going to be a mom.

Down Day

So I did something I never thought I would do - I skipped a baby shower yesterday. Before being infertile I never got why women did this and now I know all too well. It is just too painful - looking at all of those cute clothes and baby things and all the cute baby bumps - of course there is always like three or four girls that are pregnant at each shower. When I went to the last one in December - there were 5 pregnant women - I just could not take that again - why torture myself - I did send a very nice gift with my sister in law.

Today I kinda feel gulity I was not there - like it was so silly of me to skip it . Okay now is where I get really strange - I went on people.com this morning and the top story was Nicole Richie is pregnant again - and I got upset - now I get upset over pregnancy announcements of people I do not even know - it is pathetic - but all I kept thinking is she is going to have two children before I even have one - maybe it is because we are the same age - who knows. There it is - think what you will of me.

I had a good night last night with the hubs. The sex demo was canceled so we stayed home. John brought home a bunch of junk food - ice cream and nachos, and candy - so good and we watched Taken and Gran Torino - both were bootleg obviously but both were very good. Gran Torino is one of the best movies I have seen in a few long time.

I am listening to some Bethany Joy Galeotti - her music always makes me feel better.

One Week Down

One week to go - by this time next week - I will know if IUI #7 worked. I really have no symptoms - I am crampy and bloated but I always am after an IUI.

John is so hopeful - he thinks since I had three good size follies I am going to be pregnant with triplets - two boys and one girl - he says.

There is nothing much else to report - I am going to dinner tonight with friends and going to a sex demo tomorrow - other than that I will just be taking it easy this weekend.

I am still sleepy and taking naps - maybe it is a sign.

So Sleepy

I do not know what it is but I have been so tired the past few days. John and I had a really nice V-day - we got to spend the whole day together - which never happens - but I have been running everyday since. I went to dinner with my cousin on Monday - last night we went to a dart game - my husband plays darts. Tonight I have yoga class and tomorrow I am having dinner with my girls from work and Friday I am having dinner with friends. I have been taking naps everyday after work - which is so not like me - I never nap - plus I have been going to bed early. I am trying not to look at that as a sign but I cannot help it.

I got another pregnancy announcement yesterday - it seems like every time they get harder and harder to handle - I will admit - I get mad, jealous and upset - it brings down my whole mood. This girl is 2 months along and is suppose to get married in June - apparently she is still going through with the wedding even though she will be six months pregnant - whatever - to each their own.

IUI # 7 - Part 2 went really went too

John's counts were still good. 26 million with 56% motility.

It was like the perfect cycle. I hope it works.

I wish we would of had the surgery sooner. My old RE totally did not want DH to even go to the Urologist. I am so glad I switched RE.

The only bad thing was this is our last chance for an IUI. Just now when his number start getting better. I wish we could do a few more.

But since this is our last chance - it just has to work. I am pregnant until proven otherwise.

I will probably test on the 26th!!!!!

IUI # 7 - Part 1 went so very well today!!!

I am just over the moon - I have not been this happy in a long long time. I went in for my IUI today and John's counts were so very good. 44 million with 60% motility - I could not believe it - that is by far the most he has ever had - our last IUI was only 5 million - I guess the surgery is working. The nurses were calling him a stud and the doctor said they are going to use him as a sperm donor with those good counts. I hope this is it - please let this be it.

We go in tomorrow at 9 am for IUI # 7 - Part 2.

This two week wait is going to be the longest one yet.

I am so very hopeful!!!!!!!

3 of them

I went and had my bloodwork and ultrasound done this morning. I have three good size follies. One is 27 mm and the other two are 21 mm - the lining is good at 9. I have to wait to get my bloodwork back this afternoon to find out when I am going to be doing my IUI's - it will either be Thurs and Fri or Fri and Sat. I am hopeful now - I hope John numbers are good and that this is it for us - please please please let this work. It is our last chance at an IUI.

I watched the story on Dateline last night about the 8 children - that women is nuts - she does not consider herself to be on welfare - hello - food stamps are welfare and you are going to support your 14 children with student loan - get a job - crazy lady. She gives infertiles a bad name.

Today is my hubby's birthday - he family is out from Ireland so we are going to visit with them tonight and I baked a cake last night for him and I got him some gifts - he is 33 today.

Eggy

Nothing much going on - had a pretty lazy weekend - I actually am not feeling so hot. I am very eggy - just uncomforable. I do not know how I am ever going to do IVF - some women get 20 eggs and I have a hard time carrying around 5 - or whatever I have this time. I go for my bloodwork and ultrasound on Wed. I am hoping the IUI will be Wed. I am asking to do another back to back IUI - it could not hurt.

I have officially become that girl.

I have a baby shower to go to on the 21st - and I have decided not to go. I just can't - it is too painfully - the girl just got married in Aug and she is already pregnant - I have been trying for so very long - it should be me. I am jealous and sad. So I am not going - why torture myself. I did buy her a very nice gift and I will send it with my sister in law.

My Take on the Octuplets

I think it is just wrong on many levels.

One is why in the world would a doctor do IVF on a women who already has 6 children under the age of 8.

Second is - why in the world would he put so many embryos back. Stupid and careless.

Third - why did she not opt for selective reduction - I am sorry but she is so lucky those babies are healthy and just because they are healthy now does not mean they will be healthy throughtout their lives. It was just selfish - she could of caused harm to those babies or herself.

Fourth - her wanting a show and a bunch of money for the first interview - seems like she only did this for the fame.

Fifth - the thing that pisses me off the most is the media. They are hyping this up so badly - people who are ignorant to infertiliy are going to think that fertility treatments led to having eight babies - and it is just another thing I am going to have to explain to people.

I already have gotten it - a friend of a friend who found out I am doing infertility treatments said you better watch out - you may have 8 babies.

That is just not the case and it makes me mad.

Clomid Mood

I am in a funk and have been all weekend. It is the clomid - I know it. I hate what this drug does to my mental state.

I just feel so very defeated in every aspect of my life. I am so depressed and really have no desire to do this IUI - I am usually all about it - doing the OPK's and all that - making sure the timing is right - but not this time - I feel like it is a waste. If the last six did not work then this is not going to work either.

I have to call and cancel my IVF consult today - I have been putting off canceling it - it makes me sad to know that we cannot do IVF right now and that we have to wait.

Plus DH is giving me a hard time - he has to take all of this medication now and he does not want to do it - I am pissed about that - all that I do - all the crap I go through - with bloodwork and ultrasounds and stupid clomid and he is complaining. Ughh.

Then my job is horrible - I hate it here - I hate the people I work with and I hate my boss - they are all much older than me and I just do not fit in - I have not found a single job to even apply too - that I would be remotely interested in.

Plus I am tired of the winter and snow and ice and cold - I want spring to be here already.

I guess this is just my vent of the day.