I am very disappointed not only in myself but in others.
I am disappointed in myself because I am so very jealous. I wish I was not - but I am. I am jealous when I go on facebook and see friends that just get married find out they are pregnant. I am jealous of women who get pregnant as soon as they start trying. I am jealous of women who get pregnant by accident and do not even have their shit together. I am at the point now where I cannot go to baby showers and I have a hard time even looking at babies. I do not even want to go on the nest and see the BFP's. I guess I am just in a bad place right now. I do not know how to get out of it - if anyone has some suggestions - please let me know.
I am also disappointed in the action of others. I have a few friends who I consider to be close and their actions lately have made me upset. One is John's cousins who I am very close to - I trust her - she know all about of IF and I thought she understood - I was over her house last week - a couple of days before the shower that I skipped - I told her I was not going to the shower - that I could not deal with it and she told me she completely understand and all that - then at the shower she was telling my sister in law - how she thought it was messed up that I could not bring myself to come to the shower - and what was the big deal. I cannot believe she said that - that was a very two faced move.
Then I have another friend who knows all about my IF - I e-mailed her and told her our IUI failed and how upset I was - blah blah blah. The e-mail I get back is I am sorry - three words - that is it - so much for suport. The girls on the nest are more supportive then the people in my real life. So Sad.
On the saving for IVF front - we now have $ 7,500.00 saved - well on our way.
6 comments:
Aw girl...not that I know exactly how you feel because only you know but I know the heart ache of friends or lack there of in the IF world and I ceratainly sadly know the feeling of jealousy. Do you know since yesterday THREE freaking people I know announced their pregnancy. One has been trying for 6 months, 1 is my cousin whom I adore she is 37 and has suffered miscarriages before, but the other is a girl who has one child she doesnt take care of, announced she wanted another one and here she is announcing her pregnancy...Sometimes I want to shout and scream and pull my hair out but I am trying to allow the Lord's JOY to be my STRENGTH! When I Have nothing left inside I feel HIS JOY and somehow feel that its all going to be ok...now dont get me wrong I shed my tears alot about it...but I just wanted to try and brighten up your day alittle and let you know that yoru feelings are completely justified!
Ok I'm rambling just sending some love!
Totally with you on this...some people will just never get it. And worse than not 'getting it', they don't get that they actually hurt our feelings more often than not.
I hear you.
Congrats on the amount of money you have saved up for IVF! Way to go!!
As for the ignorance of others...I will never understand. I have friends who say the MOST IGNORANT things to my face and yes I am sure behind my back too.
It is a shame that they are that ignorant to not understand how it feels to go through so much to have a child only to have disappointment month after month. I think that just being a woman...fertile or not...people would understand how awful the pain is of not getting pregnant when you really want to.
As for the cousin...you should SO confront her. See what she says...just to see the reaction on her face.
I am very angry that she could be that two faced. We all understand why you can not go to baby showers right now. The most important thing is you at the moment. You know that you have support here from everyone. Hope you feel better soon.
btw that is a great amount of money you have saved, well done!
people can be...SO COMPLETELY IGNORANT!!! As far the cousin, I don't quite have the words. She knew about your situation, you confided in her as a friend. That was completely 2 faced. That was uncalled far, and in that case she should of knew better in my opinion. Sorry... it just upsets me to think about someone doing you that way.
On a better note..lol It is great how much money you have saved. I hope you continue saving so good, and time fly's by quickly. And I'm praying that your first IVF cycle works for you:)
HUGS,
Hannah
I randomly stumbled on your blog and wanted to let you know that I really feel for you; those jealous feelings must come very often and be hard to deal with. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I don't really know if you're the kind of person who likes others to say "it'll get better soon!" or "man I'm sorry it sucks" - but just know that lots of people, even totally random strangers, feel for you even when the people in your real life seem kind of distant. Good luck, and take care.
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