Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? It it something I have done in my past, is it punishment for something my parents did? Is it because I will not be a good mother? Or John will not be a good father? Is it because I waited until we had stable and good jobs, a home of our own and were married? Is it because one of us is going to die in the near future - I think about this kind of stuff all time - sometimes I cannot believe this is actually happening to us - like I am going to wake up from a bad dream or something.
Not for nothing but I have been through enough - I know others have been through way more - but I am not as strong as them - I do not want to do this anymore. Okay - so I think I have dealt with the waiting - I have dealt with the disappointment each month - I have endured all the horrible testing and I have done three fertility procedures - isn't that enough - apparently not.
Why is it that my cousin and his girlfriend - who both are heroine addicts - can get pregnant - and then have a child addicted to drugs that had to remain in the hospital for the first 4 months or her life but I cannot get pregnant - I do not smoke, drink or do drugs - how is that fair - how?
I am just so depressed right now. Sorry for the pity party but I had to get it out.
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