I cannot help but to be negative

After 23 months of failed cycles - I just cannot help but to be negative - it is how I cope - I know all about the power of positve thinking - but month after month of BFN's can be pretty depressing, plus given the fact that this is the lowest count we have ever had - I just do not have much hope. But hope is always in the back of my mind. I even looked up what our due date would be if were did get pregnant with this IUI - March 31, 2009. I think it would be great for John's ego if we were to get pregnant this cycle being that it only took 5 million to get the job done - I think he will feel really good. He has been so depressed this week - oh how hard this is on us. In the back of my mind I really hope and pray this works for us - a natural IUI cycle BFP would really left our spirits and to finaly be pregnant would be the best gift of all. But in order to cope and not be totally depressed for a month after the BFN - I have to think it is just not going to happen.