Turns out it is not an infection but an inflammation - he has to take advil - 200 mg - 3 times a day for a month and then go back to the Uro and if it is still a problem then he will be put on antibodies.
AF finally showed - I called the RE this morning to start IUI # 7 - it is strange to get back into the swing of things - I have not done an IUI since Sept. I will start the wondeful drug Clomid on Feb 1st and have my first Ultrasound/Bloodwork appointment on Feb. 11th. I will ask on the 11th if we can do another back to back IUI. I am hoping this is it for us - lucky number 7. Because if not then we are going to have to wait until Oct to do a treatment again - that is a long time. I am sure it will fly by though.
I am becoming more and more at peace with the fact that we cannot do IVF right now - our decision makes the most sense and everything happens for a reason. I will just try to enjoy the spring and summer and try not to think too much about TTC and more about all of the other wonderful things I have in my life.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
We Made a Decision About IVF
We are going to wait. I think it is for the best - even though we would both like to move on and we know that IVF is our best option to have a child - we really cannot afford it now.
We are still going to try one last IUI next month and then save and cut back on alot of things - and hopefully have enough money to do it by Oct or Nov. I am still hoping for Two Lines in 09.
I am 27 and DH is 32 so we still have time on our side. Even if we do not save all the money - at least this way we will not have to spend as much or be in too much debt - just enough that we can handle.
When I spoke to the Urologist yesterday he said he would wait at least 3 more month to see if there is an additional improvement with John's numbers. When I told him we are going to wait until Oct - he thought that was a good idea - because that will have been one year since John's surgery.
I hope I am making the right decision - sometimes it is so hard to tell. But this feels right - I do not need the added stress of a huge financial burden on top of the stress of IVF.
Now I just have to cancel my IVF consult appointment.
We are still going to try one last IUI next month and then save and cut back on alot of things - and hopefully have enough money to do it by Oct or Nov. I am still hoping for Two Lines in 09.
I am 27 and DH is 32 so we still have time on our side. Even if we do not save all the money - at least this way we will not have to spend as much or be in too much debt - just enough that we can handle.
When I spoke to the Urologist yesterday he said he would wait at least 3 more month to see if there is an additional improvement with John's numbers. When I told him we are going to wait until Oct - he thought that was a good idea - because that will have been one year since John's surgery.
I hope I am making the right decision - sometimes it is so hard to tell. But this feels right - I do not need the added stress of a huge financial burden on top of the stress of IVF.
Now I just have to cancel my IVF consult appointment.
Monday, January 26, 2009
John's post surgery numbers
So we got the numbers back from John's first SA since his surgery and they were not as good as we hoped for.
Count - 16 million - which is up but only slightly - usual count is anywhere between 5 million and 15 million
Motility - 51% - which is also up - but again only slightly - usual count is anywhere from 35% to 44%
Morph - is down - from 6% to 3%
The also found white blood cells in his sperm - which means there is an infection. I am going to call tomorrow about getting him on some antibodics.
He will be tested again in 3 months and we are hoping and praying for more improvement.
Count - 16 million - which is up but only slightly - usual count is anywhere between 5 million and 15 million
Motility - 51% - which is also up - but again only slightly - usual count is anywhere from 35% to 44%
Morph - is down - from 6% to 3%
The also found white blood cells in his sperm - which means there is an infection. I am going to call tomorrow about getting him on some antibodics.
He will be tested again in 3 months and we are hoping and praying for more improvement.
Work Update
I called in to work late today - I came in at 9 am so now I have to work until 5 pm. Because I was afraid of being alone with vice president from 8 am to 9 am.
President called me and vice president into the office and basically said that I do not talk (talk as in tell jokes, share stories, tell personal info, etc.) and it makes everyone tense (no not everyone just vice president) - are you kidding me - I said that vice president crossed the line and then he apologized.
President said that he wants me and vice president to be civil and I said that I am civil and that I want a stickly professional relationship with vice president and that he does not seem to understand that. Then president says to vice president - do you understand what Jackie is saying and he said yes.
I do not know what to do now - they basically turned it around to make it look like it was my fault - that since I did not talk to vice president that I deserved this somehow. (Hello - I cannot stand the man and that is why I do not care to talk to him about anything other than work)
I said that I felt very comfortable and I want to be assured that it would never happen again. Vice president said sorry again and promised it would never happen again - but I do not believe him - I am never going to win. President and Vice President are together and vice president is always going to win no matter what - President will always make excuses for him.
I was looking for jobs on the internet all weekend - I did not find one single one I would even apply for - it is so bad for jobs right now - so many people are getting laid off - but I will keep looking - everyday.
President called me and vice president into the office and basically said that I do not talk (talk as in tell jokes, share stories, tell personal info, etc.) and it makes everyone tense (no not everyone just vice president) - are you kidding me - I said that vice president crossed the line and then he apologized.
President said that he wants me and vice president to be civil and I said that I am civil and that I want a stickly professional relationship with vice president and that he does not seem to understand that. Then president says to vice president - do you understand what Jackie is saying and he said yes.
I do not know what to do now - they basically turned it around to make it look like it was my fault - that since I did not talk to vice president that I deserved this somehow. (Hello - I cannot stand the man and that is why I do not care to talk to him about anything other than work)
I said that I felt very comfortable and I want to be assured that it would never happen again. Vice president said sorry again and promised it would never happen again - but I do not believe him - I am never going to win. President and Vice President are together and vice president is always going to win no matter what - President will always make excuses for him.
I was looking for jobs on the internet all weekend - I did not find one single one I would even apply for - it is so bad for jobs right now - so many people are getting laid off - but I will keep looking - everyday.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
More Prayers for my Friend
My friend how just had a miscarriage and who had a D & C on Friday is back in the hospital tonight and they admitted her - she has a blood clot and they may have to do surgery - she is in alot of pain - please keep her in your prayers.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
9 Years
Today John and I have been together for 9 years. I cannot believe it. I love that man so much and we have been through so much together in those nine years. I could not see spending my life with anyone else.
Prayers for a friend
One of my oldest and dearest friends had a miscarriage on Wed night - she had a D & C yesterday - she was 11 weeks along - this is her second miscarriage.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Bad Morning - Need to Find a New Job
My boss - not the head boss - but the vice president was all messed up this morning - either high or drunk or something - this is not the first time either.
He asked me to talk- he asked why I did not talk to him about music and he said that he thought I would be nicer to him because my best friend is gay (The boss is gay too) - I said it had nothing to do with the fact that he was gay - and then he started saying how he has a connection to my best friend- blah blah blah - I said you do not even know my best friend- you met him once. I told him that I wanted to keep our realtionship professional and I do not talk to the head boss about music.
Well then that stuck a nerve or somthing because he started flipping out on me - yelling at the top of his lungs in my face - saying a was an ignore little bitch and he does not give a fuck about me and that if I was not nice to him the way he wants me to be then I will have to take it up with the head boss - and fuck this and fuck that - I remained calm I went into the kitchen to try and get away from him - mind you we are the only ones in the office. He follows me in there - and I asked him to please stop yelling at me and he said he was not fucking yelling, so I walked back to my desk and I said this is not the way a boss is suppose to act.
He said if I wanted a professional relationship then that is what I am going to get and I would regret it - then he continued to slam his office door shut - finally I was shaking so badly - I said I was leaving I grapped my coat and purse and left.
Outside I saw another secretary that worked in our office and told her what was happening - then I went over to my friends office and she calmed me down a bit.
I decided to go back to the office and talk to the head boss - tell him what happened and then go home. I checked to make sure the head bosses car was there and it was - so I went up to the office - but no one was there. So I left again. I called the other secretary on her cell phone to find out where she was and she said she was waiting at the local coffee place until her boss got into the office - she was scared to be alone with my boss in there.
So I went to the local coffee place and met up with her and called the head boss on his cell phone - he answer and I told him I left and how upset I was and he was close by so he came over the coffee place and I told him everything - he said I could leave for the day - so he walked me back to the office and I got my things and I left.
I cannot believe my morning - I do not know what is going to happen - but this is harressment. I am going to have to change my hours - because I no longer feel safe by myself with him. I am also now looking for a new job.
He asked me to talk- he asked why I did not talk to him about music and he said that he thought I would be nicer to him because my best friend is gay (The boss is gay too) - I said it had nothing to do with the fact that he was gay - and then he started saying how he has a connection to my best friend- blah blah blah - I said you do not even know my best friend- you met him once. I told him that I wanted to keep our realtionship professional and I do not talk to the head boss about music.
Well then that stuck a nerve or somthing because he started flipping out on me - yelling at the top of his lungs in my face - saying a was an ignore little bitch and he does not give a fuck about me and that if I was not nice to him the way he wants me to be then I will have to take it up with the head boss - and fuck this and fuck that - I remained calm I went into the kitchen to try and get away from him - mind you we are the only ones in the office. He follows me in there - and I asked him to please stop yelling at me and he said he was not fucking yelling, so I walked back to my desk and I said this is not the way a boss is suppose to act.
He said if I wanted a professional relationship then that is what I am going to get and I would regret it - then he continued to slam his office door shut - finally I was shaking so badly - I said I was leaving I grapped my coat and purse and left.
Outside I saw another secretary that worked in our office and told her what was happening - then I went over to my friends office and she calmed me down a bit.
I decided to go back to the office and talk to the head boss - tell him what happened and then go home. I checked to make sure the head bosses car was there and it was - so I went up to the office - but no one was there. So I left again. I called the other secretary on her cell phone to find out where she was and she said she was waiting at the local coffee place until her boss got into the office - she was scared to be alone with my boss in there.
So I went to the local coffee place and met up with her and called the head boss on his cell phone - he answer and I told him I left and how upset I was and he was close by so he came over the coffee place and I told him everything - he said I could leave for the day - so he walked me back to the office and I got my things and I left.
I cannot believe my morning - I do not know what is going to happen - but this is harressment. I am going to have to change my hours - because I no longer feel safe by myself with him. I am also now looking for a new job.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Struggling
Okay - so I am really struggling with how much this IVF is going to cost. We really cannot afford it.
On one hand I really want to do this - I have mentally and physically prepared myself for this - I have known it was coming. This is our only option left - we have tried everything else. I really really want a baby so very badly that my heart hurts.
One the other hand - $ 16,000.00 is a whole lot of money - we may not even qualify for a loan and if we do it will put us in major debt.
All of my friends and family think I should wait a year - give my body and mind a rest - save money and then try for IVF.
On one hand I know they are right - I am only 27 - and it would be nice to have some money saved - maybe not all of it but some of it - and that way I would not have to borrow so much.
But on the other hand, I have been trying for almost three years and I am so tired of waiting and being in limbo - and even if we do save - we will probably not be able to save $ 16,000.00 in only a year.
I do not know what to do. I really don't. I am praying for some answers - the right answers and the right decision.
On one hand I really want to do this - I have mentally and physically prepared myself for this - I have known it was coming. This is our only option left - we have tried everything else. I really really want a baby so very badly that my heart hurts.
One the other hand - $ 16,000.00 is a whole lot of money - we may not even qualify for a loan and if we do it will put us in major debt.
All of my friends and family think I should wait a year - give my body and mind a rest - save money and then try for IVF.
On one hand I know they are right - I am only 27 - and it would be nice to have some money saved - maybe not all of it but some of it - and that way I would not have to borrow so much.
But on the other hand, I have been trying for almost three years and I am so tired of waiting and being in limbo - and even if we do save - we will probably not be able to save $ 16,000.00 in only a year.
I do not know what to do. I really don't. I am praying for some answers - the right answers and the right decision.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
$ 15,955.00
I woke up this morning thinking that I want to be positive - I have been so sad, depressed and negative - that if I am positive then maybe - just maybe good things will happen.
So I get to work and I get a call - it is from the IVF financial lady - I had called her a couple of days ago to see what options if any I had.
Well so gave me the break down of what my IVF cycle is acutally going to cost and it is going to be $ 15,955.00 - plus there may be additional costs depending on our situation.
Then another blow - they offer no financial programs - they do not work with Capital One - which totally sucks because that is what I wanted to use. They do not work with anyone. They only take credit cards and checks.
John is going to the bank today -to set up a appointment for Sat to apply for a loan. If we do not qualify then that is it.
Sometimes I just really cannot believe this is my reality - I have to spend $ 16,000.00 for something that so many people get for free - plus I spend all this money and will be in all of this debt and there is only a 65% chance it will even work.
John has his follow up SA today at 2 pm - to see if the surgery worked and if there is any improvement - I hope and pray we get some good news - I need some good news.
So much for being positive.
So I get to work and I get a call - it is from the IVF financial lady - I had called her a couple of days ago to see what options if any I had.
Well so gave me the break down of what my IVF cycle is acutally going to cost and it is going to be $ 15,955.00 - plus there may be additional costs depending on our situation.
Then another blow - they offer no financial programs - they do not work with Capital One - which totally sucks because that is what I wanted to use. They do not work with anyone. They only take credit cards and checks.
John is going to the bank today -to set up a appointment for Sat to apply for a loan. If we do not qualify then that is it.
Sometimes I just really cannot believe this is my reality - I have to spend $ 16,000.00 for something that so many people get for free - plus I spend all this money and will be in all of this debt and there is only a 65% chance it will even work.
John has his follow up SA today at 2 pm - to see if the surgery worked and if there is any improvement - I hope and pray we get some good news - I need some good news.
So much for being positive.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
In Lieu of the Stolen Post
I wanted to share with you all - the e-mail that I sent to my friend - regarding her daughter's pregnancy. Tell me what you think.
I need to tell you something - it is not intended to hurt you or make you mad - but it needs to be said. I hope the you will understand.
I know how very happy you are to be a grandmom - and I am so happy for you - I love when you are happy and good things happen to you - all the good things should be celebrated. I wish your daughter all the best.
But I am on overload right now with this whole IVF process. This is possibly the hardest thing I am ever going to have to do. It is just really hard for me to hear about your daughter and or her pregnancy each day. I hope you can understand that when I see a pregnant women or a baby or hear yet another pregnancy announcement that my heart actually aches - I would not wish this kind of pain on anyone. So it is going to be really hard for me to hear some of these things. I am hoping you can be sensitive to my feelings.
I am not trying to pick a fight - I am not trying to make you upset at all and I am really not trying to downplay your happiness at all. I just needed to put it out there - please do not be mad at me.
I need to tell you something - it is not intended to hurt you or make you mad - but it needs to be said. I hope the you will understand.
I know how very happy you are to be a grandmom - and I am so happy for you - I love when you are happy and good things happen to you - all the good things should be celebrated. I wish your daughter all the best.
But I am on overload right now with this whole IVF process. This is possibly the hardest thing I am ever going to have to do. It is just really hard for me to hear about your daughter and or her pregnancy each day. I hope you can understand that when I see a pregnant women or a baby or hear yet another pregnancy announcement that my heart actually aches - I would not wish this kind of pain on anyone. So it is going to be really hard for me to hear some of these things. I am hoping you can be sensitive to my feelings.
I am not trying to pick a fight - I am not trying to make you upset at all and I am really not trying to downplay your happiness at all. I just needed to put it out there - please do not be mad at me.
Stolen Post from Just trying to make a cub
I read this and wanted to posted it on my own blog because it is so true.
Dear Infertile Abby,
I just found out that I'm seven weeks pregnant! My husband and I are thrilled and shocked! It was a complete surprise. We weren't even trying. My issue is that I have a very good friend who has been trying to get pregnant for a very long time and is going through infertility treatments. What's the best way to share my news with her? I think it's best that they hear the news from us in private. We're thinking of inviting them over for dinner and telling them then.
Thanks,Fertile Fran
Dear Fertile Fran,
Are you high? It's called e-mail. If you don't have a computer, it's called a phone. Your friend's probably going to cry and doesn't feel like doing it in front of you and your husband. It'll just make her feel like a shmuck.Take care,
Infertile Abby
Now here's the thing. I get what fertile people are thinking. I do. I really do. In their head, they have this vision of a sit-down where they gently and thoughtfully share the news of their pregnancy and then maybe place a hand on the infertile's knee, tell us how they know it will happen for us and that God has a plan for us or something to that effect. They think we'd be crushed to hear the news from someone else rather than directly from the source. And e-mail or phone? Instant message? No way! In most other situations, it's considered tacky or rude to share big news in these manners. I understand where you're coming from and that you have good intentions. I really truly do.But here's the thing.
You're wrong. I hate to break it to you, but for 99% of infertile people, you're wrong.
Let's change the scenario a little bit because infertility is something that is so difficult to connect with unless it's touched your own life. Let's talk about homes. Most everybody can understand that your home is your safe haven, a place where you find comfort. It's filled with memories. Most of us put a lot of effort into creating a home.
Now imagine my house just burned down. Or that I lost my home to foreclosure. You, on the other hand, have just sealed the deal on your custom-built McMansion. You're understandably thrilled. You want to shout your news from the rooftops. And that's cool. I'd want share it with the world, too. However, would you invite me over to share the news with me personally? Do I have to hear your news right before I sit down to enjoy a meal with you? A meal that maybe I was looking forward to as a nice distraction and a chance to get away from the stress of dealing with losing my home? It doesn't seem so important, or even appropriate, that I hear the news directly from the horse's mouth, does it?
In fact, maybe it would be better to hear it from someone I'm close with like my sister or my mom. Because I'm probably going to get upset. I'm not getting upset because I don't think you deserve your dream home or don't want you to have it. It's not personal (most of the time). But my first, second, maybe even third emotion is probably not going to be happiness for you. It's sadness for myself.
Your joy is a reminder that I'm in the process of losing a dream. Your news is a reminder that I am broken. Your granted wish is a reminder of my unanswered prayers. Please stop telling us your news in person. It hurts us. Not because we don't love you. Because we do and we don't our pain to take away from any part of your joy.
So give us a little time. Please. Send us the e-mail or give us a ring. And then give us some time. We really are happy for you. It's just that, for many of us, our dreams are now ashes scattered around our feet.
Dear Infertile Abby,
I just found out that I'm seven weeks pregnant! My husband and I are thrilled and shocked! It was a complete surprise. We weren't even trying. My issue is that I have a very good friend who has been trying to get pregnant for a very long time and is going through infertility treatments. What's the best way to share my news with her? I think it's best that they hear the news from us in private. We're thinking of inviting them over for dinner and telling them then.
Thanks,Fertile Fran
Dear Fertile Fran,
Are you high? It's called e-mail. If you don't have a computer, it's called a phone. Your friend's probably going to cry and doesn't feel like doing it in front of you and your husband. It'll just make her feel like a shmuck.Take care,
Infertile Abby
Now here's the thing. I get what fertile people are thinking. I do. I really do. In their head, they have this vision of a sit-down where they gently and thoughtfully share the news of their pregnancy and then maybe place a hand on the infertile's knee, tell us how they know it will happen for us and that God has a plan for us or something to that effect. They think we'd be crushed to hear the news from someone else rather than directly from the source. And e-mail or phone? Instant message? No way! In most other situations, it's considered tacky or rude to share big news in these manners. I understand where you're coming from and that you have good intentions. I really truly do.But here's the thing.
You're wrong. I hate to break it to you, but for 99% of infertile people, you're wrong.
Let's change the scenario a little bit because infertility is something that is so difficult to connect with unless it's touched your own life. Let's talk about homes. Most everybody can understand that your home is your safe haven, a place where you find comfort. It's filled with memories. Most of us put a lot of effort into creating a home.
Now imagine my house just burned down. Or that I lost my home to foreclosure. You, on the other hand, have just sealed the deal on your custom-built McMansion. You're understandably thrilled. You want to shout your news from the rooftops. And that's cool. I'd want share it with the world, too. However, would you invite me over to share the news with me personally? Do I have to hear your news right before I sit down to enjoy a meal with you? A meal that maybe I was looking forward to as a nice distraction and a chance to get away from the stress of dealing with losing my home? It doesn't seem so important, or even appropriate, that I hear the news directly from the horse's mouth, does it?
In fact, maybe it would be better to hear it from someone I'm close with like my sister or my mom. Because I'm probably going to get upset. I'm not getting upset because I don't think you deserve your dream home or don't want you to have it. It's not personal (most of the time). But my first, second, maybe even third emotion is probably not going to be happiness for you. It's sadness for myself.
Your joy is a reminder that I'm in the process of losing a dream. Your news is a reminder that I am broken. Your granted wish is a reminder of my unanswered prayers. Please stop telling us your news in person. It hurts us. Not because we don't love you. Because we do and we don't our pain to take away from any part of your joy.
So give us a little time. Please. Send us the e-mail or give us a ring. And then give us some time. We really are happy for you. It's just that, for many of us, our dreams are now ashes scattered around our feet.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Yes We Will Be Doing IVF
Our IVF consult is on Feb. 16th. We will do one more IUI in Feb as well. I received my package of information and forms that need to be filled out before the consult. Me and DH took over an hour to do all of it but they are done - all filled out and ready to go - I will mail them tomorrow. I have to call the finance person at the IVF center sometime this week and see if they offer any programs or payment assistance or if she can tell me where to go to get a medical loan - I want to use Capital One but I am not sure yet if they work with them. Me and DH will be going next Sat to the bank to apply for a loan as well. In the huge stack of paperwork - it said we needed to have finance in place prior to the consult - so we have to get that taken care of ASAP. I also have to call and set up all of the referrals that are needed from both of our doctors. We are probably looking at beginning IVF at the end of March beginning of April - depending on what they say at the consult and if we get approved for a loan.
On another note - to add to my horrible week - I received in the mail yesterday a baby shower invite. The girl is not due until July but they are having her shower in Feb - she will not even look pregnant. I order a gift online because I cannot go into Babies R Us - I have not decide yet if I am going to go - because it is right after my IVF consult. I am n0t sure if I will be up for it - but I will send the gift either way.
On another note - to add to my horrible week - I received in the mail yesterday a baby shower invite. The girl is not due until July but they are having her shower in Feb - she will not even look pregnant. I order a gift online because I cannot go into Babies R Us - I have not decide yet if I am going to go - because it is right after my IVF consult. I am n0t sure if I will be up for it - but I will send the gift either way.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Another Hard Day
I am really struggling right now - it comes in waves - I am okay for awhile and then I am not. When we first got our dx of MFI I was certainly not okay - I was very very depressed - crying all of the time - not going out - not enjoying life. But it got better - I realized that I had options and just because we have MFI does not mean that I will not get pregnant. I even got up to the point where I could deal fairly easily with pregnancy announcements and baby showers. I would just keep saying to myself - that just because I cannot have babies does not mean the world stops having babies.
But after being told that IVF is our only option left I have been very depressed again - I was so hoping that it did not come to IVF. Plus we are almost at the end of our infertility journey - if IVF does not work then that is it - no baby for us. That is so hard to deal with.
To add insult to injury - I got not one but two pregnancy announcements this week. I took it hard - I cried - I screamed - why them and not me I had a few glasses of wine and I dealt with it. But I am still having a hard time - I am so sad. I cannot shake the feeling of jealousy. I guess I just have to go through my emotions - feel them and move on. IVF is not easy. I am going to be sad and depressed and scared and I just have to deal with each emotion as it comes.
But after being told that IVF is our only option left I have been very depressed again - I was so hoping that it did not come to IVF. Plus we are almost at the end of our infertility journey - if IVF does not work then that is it - no baby for us. That is so hard to deal with.
To add insult to injury - I got not one but two pregnancy announcements this week. I took it hard - I cried - I screamed - why them and not me I had a few glasses of wine and I dealt with it. But I am still having a hard time - I am so sad. I cannot shake the feeling of jealousy. I guess I just have to go through my emotions - feel them and move on. IVF is not easy. I am going to be sad and depressed and scared and I just have to deal with each emotion as it comes.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
The Face
I really hate the face that people make right before they are about to tell me that someone or they are pregnant. They all do it too - it does not matter who it is - it is always the same face - like they just ate a lemon or something. I know as soon as I see it that another pregnancy announcement is coming and I try to brace myself.
Last night I got the face again and for some reason I took it harder than I have been taking it. When we first got dx with MFI I had a hard time with pregnancy announcements but as time went on they became less and less painful. I kept saying to myself - I cannot get upset because people get pregnant - just because I can't does not mean the world stops having babies.
Anyway - it was my co-workers daughter. She is with a loser guy who already cheated on her once (that she knows of) and left her once, she has no job, no health insurance and is about to get kicked out of her apartment. All I kept thinking was this is so not fair. I waited, I waited until I had a house and a good job and was married. Sometimes I just do not get it. It hurt last night - it made my heart break a little and I felt very jealous. I have not felt like this in a long time and I cannot shake the feeling.
Last night I got the face again and for some reason I took it harder than I have been taking it. When we first got dx with MFI I had a hard time with pregnancy announcements but as time went on they became less and less painful. I kept saying to myself - I cannot get upset because people get pregnant - just because I can't does not mean the world stops having babies.
Anyway - it was my co-workers daughter. She is with a loser guy who already cheated on her once (that she knows of) and left her once, she has no job, no health insurance and is about to get kicked out of her apartment. All I kept thinking was this is so not fair. I waited, I waited until I had a house and a good job and was married. Sometimes I just do not get it. It hurt last night - it made my heart break a little and I felt very jealous. I have not felt like this in a long time and I cannot shake the feeling.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Looks like we are heading to IVF
I had my post op appointment today with the RE. He said everything looks good on my end and that the surgery went well and said that he did not find anything. He said that is pretty much a double edge sword because in a way he would like to find somthing so he can fix it and hopefully fix the problem and get us pregnant but at the same time he does not want to find anything too.
So he said he want our next step to be IVF. I knew it was coming it was just hard to hear aloud. I asked him if we could do one more IUI in Feb before moving on and he say sure why not - it cannot hurt and since it is completely covered by insurance it is not a big deal.
We have our first IVF consult on Feb. 11th - which is acutally Dh's 33rd birthday. I cannot believe this is happening - I am so very scared. The big thing is going to be coming up with the money - he said it will run about $ 12,000.00 to $ 15,000.00. We are going to have to take out a loan. I guess we will be apply for a medical loan in the next week or so. It looks like we will be having a spring IVF if everything goes as planned. Maybe then I will finally get what I have been working so very hard for - a baby. I just wish it did not take all of this to get to that point.
Dh has his follow up SA tomorrow to see if his surgery improved his number at all. I am so hoping it did and who knows maybe just maybe IUI # 7 will work.
So he said he want our next step to be IVF. I knew it was coming it was just hard to hear aloud. I asked him if we could do one more IUI in Feb before moving on and he say sure why not - it cannot hurt and since it is completely covered by insurance it is not a big deal.
We have our first IVF consult on Feb. 11th - which is acutally Dh's 33rd birthday. I cannot believe this is happening - I am so very scared. The big thing is going to be coming up with the money - he said it will run about $ 12,000.00 to $ 15,000.00. We are going to have to take out a loan. I guess we will be apply for a medical loan in the next week or so. It looks like we will be having a spring IVF if everything goes as planned. Maybe then I will finally get what I have been working so very hard for - a baby. I just wish it did not take all of this to get to that point.
Dh has his follow up SA tomorrow to see if his surgery improved his number at all. I am so hoping it did and who knows maybe just maybe IUI # 7 will work.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
What
My big RE appointment that I was suppose to have on Friday to go over a plan for 2009 did not happened - it got canceled. I was so pissed because I had knots in my stomach about what he was going to say to us - what treatment we were going to have to do next. Now I have to wait until Monday afternoon.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
I am so insane
Look at this cute baby bedding I found - it is so cute - I am so insane - why am I looking at crib bedding when I am not even pregnant - I guess to just touture myself. I just did a search for elephant crib bedding - and I saw these two cute sets. One for a boy and one for a girl.
See I love elephants - I have been collecting elephants since I was 10 years old - there is elephants in every room of my house - I have an elephant table and an elephant wall hanging in my living room - anything elephant - you name it and I have it. My brother always said - even when we were children that the only reason I would have children is just so I could do the bedroom in elephants - though that is true - it of course is not the only reason I want children.
I wonder if by the time I get pregnant if these bedding set will even be around anymore - but they were cute and I wanted to share. I hope I get to purchase one of them really soon.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Visit from an old friend
I got a call yesterday while I was at work from an old friend from high school - he said he was in town - he lives in Cali and he wanted to get together. So he came over to my house last night - it was so nice to see him - I have not seen him in 6 years. Oh course I got asked the dreaded question - when are you having children. I just gave my standard answer - soon - whenever it happens.
I was a bit bummed because he ended up stay until after midnight so I ended up missing Nip/Tuck - which I have been waiting to come back on and was so excited to see. I am going to see if I can watch it online tonight - I really need a Tivo or DVR or something.
I am using OPK's this month - so far nothing - but I should be ovulating soon. I am having really bad pains on my left side this morning - so I wonder if that is ovulation - after all of this time TTC you would think I would know my body better by now - but I don't - I will just take the test tonight and find out.
I was a bit bummed because he ended up stay until after midnight so I ended up missing Nip/Tuck - which I have been waiting to come back on and was so excited to see. I am going to see if I can watch it online tonight - I really need a Tivo or DVR or something.
I am using OPK's this month - so far nothing - but I should be ovulating soon. I am having really bad pains on my left side this morning - so I wonder if that is ovulation - after all of this time TTC you would think I would know my body better by now - but I don't - I will just take the test tonight and find out.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Baby Names and Horoscpoe
These are the newest baby names I like:
Boy - Carter Christopher (I have like this name for years - since first watching ER with John Carter the doctor that they called Carter and now it is becoming so popular - I hate that)
Girl - Caden Regina (Regina after my mother)
Twin Boys - Carter Christopher and Collin John (John after DH)
Twin Girls - Taya Regina and Vienna Mary (Regina again after my mother and Mary after DH's mother)
My horoscope today sounds promising:
Cautious optimism may be a big part of your story these days; you are hopeful that things will get better, but remain unconvinced based on recent experiences. Today, however, you can see a path toward your preferred destination as the Moon enters earthy Taurus. There's no need to rush your journey for nothing will happen as fast as you wish.
So it will not happen when I want it to (i.e. a baby) but it will happen?? That is what I am taking from this.
Tell me what you think of my baby names please!!!
Boy - Carter Christopher (I have like this name for years - since first watching ER with John Carter the doctor that they called Carter and now it is becoming so popular - I hate that)
Girl - Caden Regina (Regina after my mother)
Twin Boys - Carter Christopher and Collin John (John after DH)
Twin Girls - Taya Regina and Vienna Mary (Regina again after my mother and Mary after DH's mother)
My horoscope today sounds promising:
Cautious optimism may be a big part of your story these days; you are hopeful that things will get better, but remain unconvinced based on recent experiences. Today, however, you can see a path toward your preferred destination as the Moon enters earthy Taurus. There's no need to rush your journey for nothing will happen as fast as you wish.
So it will not happen when I want it to (i.e. a baby) but it will happen?? That is what I am taking from this.
Tell me what you think of my baby names please!!!
Update
I set up my post op appointment for this coming Friday - I guess we are going to set up a plan for 2009 - If I get things my way - I would like to do an IUI in Feb and then move onto IVF in April. I think we decided we are going to apply for a Capital One Medical Loan and hope that we get approved - we both have really good credit so I am hoping it is not a problem. We still have not decided on one IVF cycle or Shared Risk - I guess we have time though. Who knows maybe IUI # 7 will be my lucky one and I will not have to worry about IVF.
My weekend was very nice. On Friday I went to Macys and used my gift card to buy new bedding and curtains for my master bedroom - they look really nice. On Sat. I went downtown to eat with my cousin - the food was okay - then we went to see Benjamin Button - it was a good movie - but very long - 3 hours. On Sunday - I finished packing up all of my Christmas decorations, boxes, etc.
My incisions are healing very well - the lower incision the glue finally came off last night and there is just a tiny little scar - it is red but I am sure it will lighten up as time goes on. I still have the glue on my belly button incision but I am sure that will come off soon too - I am not touching it I am too scared - it will come off when it is ready. I am feeling 100% back to normal now too - which I am so happy about. John is going for restesting on January 22nd - I am hoping for some kind of improvement on his numbers.
My weekend was very nice. On Friday I went to Macys and used my gift card to buy new bedding and curtains for my master bedroom - they look really nice. On Sat. I went downtown to eat with my cousin - the food was okay - then we went to see Benjamin Button - it was a good movie - but very long - 3 hours. On Sunday - I finished packing up all of my Christmas decorations, boxes, etc.
My incisions are healing very well - the lower incision the glue finally came off last night and there is just a tiny little scar - it is red but I am sure it will lighten up as time goes on. I still have the glue on my belly button incision but I am sure that will come off soon too - I am not touching it I am too scared - it will come off when it is ready. I am feeling 100% back to normal now too - which I am so happy about. John is going for restesting on January 22nd - I am hoping for some kind of improvement on his numbers.
Friday, January 2, 2009
So many decisions to make
I am freaking out a bit - I really want 2009 to be our year but we have so many decisions to make and I am so scared if we make the wrong one that another year will go by and we still will not have a baby.
First of all I have to meet with the RE next week to see what he thinks. I am hoping to do a few more IUI's before moving on to IVF - but my big problem with IVF is paying for it - I am so nervous about it - we need to get a loan and what if we do not qualify and then what kind of loan should we get - home equity loan, medical loan, use our credit cards - I just have no clue and I kept thinking what if we put ourselves in all of this debt and we still do not end up with a baby.
Then the other thing on my mind is timing - we would really need to do IVF before May - the earlier the better because DH sperm counts go down even lower in the summer months. Also I was reading on the nest about a women who husband sperm is so bad that the embryo will not stick - and I keep thinking - what if that is us - what if Dh's sperm is so bad that nothing will ever work.
Then we also have to think about One IVF cycle or shared risk - DH want to do just one - but I do not know - it seems better to do shared risk. The RE gave us a 65% chance of IVF working the first time.
We are also at the end of this road and what if there is not a baby at the end of it. I just want to make the right choices. I am so scared.
First of all I have to meet with the RE next week to see what he thinks. I am hoping to do a few more IUI's before moving on to IVF - but my big problem with IVF is paying for it - I am so nervous about it - we need to get a loan and what if we do not qualify and then what kind of loan should we get - home equity loan, medical loan, use our credit cards - I just have no clue and I kept thinking what if we put ourselves in all of this debt and we still do not end up with a baby.
Then the other thing on my mind is timing - we would really need to do IVF before May - the earlier the better because DH sperm counts go down even lower in the summer months. Also I was reading on the nest about a women who husband sperm is so bad that the embryo will not stick - and I keep thinking - what if that is us - what if Dh's sperm is so bad that nothing will ever work.
Then we also have to think about One IVF cycle or shared risk - DH want to do just one - but I do not know - it seems better to do shared risk. The RE gave us a 65% chance of IVF working the first time.
We are also at the end of this road and what if there is not a baby at the end of it. I just want to make the right choices. I am so scared.
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