I would of been 17 weeks pregnant today - I just want it to be July 30, 2010 already so maybe this will not be so hard once my due date has come and gone. I cannot help to think about my baby that I will never have all of the time. I think how far along I would be and how big I would be and if I would feel the baby yet and what we would be doing to prepare for the baby. I even had a dream last night that I was breastfeeding my baby - it felt so real - I woke up feeling sad.
I thought I wanted time to heal but honestly I just want to be pregnant again now - well maybe not right now but I would like to be pregnant again before my due date. I would love to do a FET in August - but I am not sure we can afford it - I called today to find out how much it would cost and it will be $ 4, 125.00. We may be able to save up that much money by then - I am not sure.
My husband and I were talking about it yesterday and he said your know if we do a FET you are totally going to get pregnant with twins - that is what he always wanted - he was actually sad when we were pregnant with only one the first time.
I just want this infertility ride to be over - I want to have a healthy pregnancy and be done. I do not intend on doing treatments ever again - if I got pregnant with one or two babies that would be it for us. We would still always try on our own - but I do not have high hopes for ever getting pregnant on our own - but I guess you never know. Everyone keeps saying to me that I will probably get pregnant on my own now- since I was already pregnant but I do not believe that.
8 comments:
We do not know each other, but I stumbled across your blog a while ago and have been reading about your journey. I know this doesn't change anything, but I want you to know I can relate to all the feelings you have described in your last couple of posts. I have experienced 3 first trimester miscarriages in the last 3 years. Recently, after some "corrective" surgery I became pregnant for the 4th time and carried the preganancy along beautifully for 22 weeks. Last Monday, my water broke and I was admitted to the hospital. The hope was to keep the baby in for as long as possible to increase her viablity. My little angel was born on Friday, 10/12 and lived on Earth for a couple of minutes. She was 23 weeks, 1 day. I am a strong Christian, but this has been the toughest time I have ever had trusting God's plan. I wanted you to know that your family is in my prayers.
i dreamed about our babies last night too and woke up sad.
I'm so sorry you're still dealing with all of this. I think along the same lines as you as well. One baby or four babies, I'm happy either way. But like you, I don't know if I could do it all over again if I only had one child. One is enough and it's all I pray for. This infertility rollercoaster ride is so daunting and frustrating. I'm hoping we get our healthy babies very soon!
I think a double blessing of twins would be amazing!
I think its very possible you can get pregnant again...without help. But, we'll see!
Thats nice that you have frozen embies to transfer. I know its not cheap,,,ack. We are still paying for IVF and Cassie is 16 months old. That would be awsome if you got preggo with twins.
Thinking of you!!
Even thoughwe've yet to pull out the big guns (IVF), I feel the same way. Once we get pregnant (please g*d, please), we will be done with treatments. I just hope we all get there VERY soon...
Hang in there...
Hugs.
I do think sometimes the quest to get pregnant again is the only thing that helps sometimes. Like we want to fill the void. I think it's wonderful you do have some embabies on ice. I hope that you find a way (tax return maybe or something along those lines?) to come across some money soon to try again. In the meantime, I am thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.
-jess
http://jesstutt.blogspot.com/
I like reading your blog because you are in a place I was last summer so I can relate. We lost our first ivf baby and did ivf again and got twins. I remember when we found out I was so happy my first thought was if we lose another we will at least have one. I know not the best thought, but after losing one baby and the pregnancy I was so happy to have a 2 babies to give me a better chance of being pregnant.
My thoughts changed as the weeks went on and I started to feel safe as I got further up there, but sadly baby B didn't make it. It died at 21 weeks. It broke my heart losing B, but I thank God each day I am still pregnant and its twin sister is doing great. Now my only worry is her dying before birth since I know she will live fine if born today.
Anyways just wanted to say that unfortunately the pain doesn't end once you reach your EDD of your m/c. I wish it did. It did help greatly being pregnant again so it wasn't such a hard blow, but I do still think about that baby and feel like my current daughter should be 4 months ahead of what she should be - at least with the twins I could justify the exact waiting, but now still ending up with one baby it feels like I am just behind the game - doesn't help when I get emails and snail mails telling me how old my m/c should be right now.
As for cycling again I am scared about it. I seriously doubt it will work again - I am a poor responder and just got very lucky getting pregnant with our only embryos both times. I also have had people say to me well you may get pregnant on your own afterwards but I seriously doubt it. Unless a miracle happens with dh's sperm count that isn't likely to happen. I wish people wouldn't say those things since it makes it much harder to deal with the infertility. My MIL looks at me shocked when I tell her that we aren't going to use birth control after Caitlyn's birth. I really don't see the point. It would be wonderful getting pregnant naturally and by accident - and part of me really wishes this happens - but I am not going to hold my breath. Unfortunately people who haven't struggled with IF don't realize it is like winning the lottery to get a natural bfp.
Anyways I did do one thing that helped me get through my darkest days ttc and after the m/c and that was I contacted a baby psychic. I know many people don't believe in them, but she was right on with me both times - and now that we are approaching my daughter's birth I see how even more right she was. Anyways it gave me hope even before we begun our 2nd cycle that things would work out and both embryos would implant.
Post a Comment