I am just going to have hope

that this is all going to work out and result in a BFP. I made my appointment for May 8th this morning - it is for 2:30 pm and I asked the nurse that if I am ready that day can they trigger me at my appointment and do the IUI the next day in the afternoon and she said yes - so for now - I am not going to stress out about it anymore - I am just going to hope that I am ready to go on the 8th and if I am not then we will cross that bridge when we come to it - just happy BFP thought for now.

Frustrated

I go in for my second ultrasound on May 8th, which is a Thursday, and it is cycle day 12 for me – if I am ready to go then they will trigger me and I will have the IUI on Friday the 9th – cycle day 13. But if I am not ready to go – I know they are going to push me to Monday – which will be cycle day 16 and I really think it will be too late – this happened with the last cycle – my O time always seems to end up on the weekend – I think my O will actually be on Saturday the 14th – I do not know what to do – in a perfect world – I will be ready to go by the 8th in the am but we do not live in a perfect world and I have a feeling this IUI is going to be all messed up like last time – I just want to cry – why can’t my Re’s office be open on the weekends – this is ridiculous.

The 3rd IUI Cycle Has Started

Had my baseline ultrasound today - everything looks good - both ovaries look great - I have a good lining and there is no cysts - I am starting Clomid tonight - CD3 - which is different because I usually start Clomid on CD5 - but I guess after what happened last cycle treatment with my timing being so off - they did not want to take that chance again - I will go in for my second ultrasound on the 8th. Now on with the hot flashes.

Chunky??

I helped my cousin move into his new apartment this weekend. His brother was also there to help him move. I have not seen him in about two years and the first thing he says to me is - Wow look how chunky you got. Lovely. That made me feel wonderful. Since my cousin was moving right around the corner from me - I told his brother to stop by my house to see it - he has never been to my house - so he was looking around and notice our wedding picture and he says - see you were skinny there - what happened? you looked so good like that - another shot to the gut - now I am feeling like a big fatty - even though I am really not - but I guess you can really notice the 17 pounds I have gained.

Right now I am 140 pounds - my new goal is to be 135 by the time I go down to my brother's house in June - my goal weight is 130 - I know I am not big- but I want to get healthy and in shape and feel better about myself.

I go in for my baseline ultrasound tomorrow to start IUI # 3 - I really hope this is it for us - because I am official so sick of going to the RE - I just want to be pregnant already - this is our 21st month of TTC. So depressing.

Bliss Period of Time

I know most infertiles would not agree but I kinda like that Bliss Period of Time - right before the beta or on my break cycles - right before AF when I can hope, pray and think I am pregnant. I enjoy thinking about if I would have a boy or a girl and if they would look like me or John. I enjoy thinking of all the things I would go out and buy, how I would decorate the nursery and how I would tell John. I enjoy thinking about what name I would pick and the baby shower I would have and the thought of coming home with a child in my arms - a new little newborn - to finally feel like a complete family. There is always a couple of days at the end of each cycle that I get to think that way before horrible ugly AF shows her face.

Moody

I just cannot snap out of this bad mood I am in - I am hating work right now and hating the people I work with. Plus mother's day is coming up - I walked into Hallmark today to get some cards and there was mother's day things everywhere - it is just huge reminder to the fact the I am not a mother yet and have no clue when I will be a mother - if ever and the fact that I no longer have my mother with me either. I keep thinking that it is bad enough that God took away most of my family but now he will not even let me have a family of my own. When will I snap out of this foul mood - I hate feeling like this but I cannot help it.

I am such a Virgo

Check out my horoscope.

You often attempt to reduce complex situations into manageable pieces through logical analysis. But now you could overreact and worry too much. It's difficult for you to believe that any outcome could be positive, for you've trained yourself to be so critical. Forget about being rational for once and be ready to take a risk. You'll never know unless you try.

I am way to critial and way to scared to take risk. But it is so true - you never know until you try.

Things are so stressful

Both at work and at home. At work - it has been super slow and every project that I am giving by the president of our compnay keeps getting stolen from me by the vice-president of my company and there is nothing I can do about it - see he has nothing to do so he continues to take my work away from me so he looks like the busy one and I am sitting around doing nothing. At home DH has been going through a hard time - he is very busy at work so he is stressed out and he is very upset about this whole IF situation - he is having such a hard time coping with the thought of IVF - I try to get him to talk to someone but he won't. I should be starting my 3rd IUI cycle next week - so some more stress to look forward too - I am worried about this cycle because if it does not work we have some big decisions to make.

Nestie GTG

I had a really nice time at the Nestie GTG last night - it was so nice to finally meet some people in real life who are going through the same things as me and who truly understand what I am going through. I am so glad I went and I cannot wait to do it again.

TGIF

I am so happy it is Friday - it has been such a long week - and it is beautiful outside today - I think I may stop at some stores on my way home from work today to get a few Spring Things - I need alot of new clothing because of the 15 pounds I gained - I am still walking every night with my cousin and even though I am feeling better - I am still not losing any weight - so I think I really have to start watching what I eat - something that I never had to do before - but I think it is the only way to get the few extra pounds off - I just want to lose 10 or 15 pounds.

John and I are going to the movies tonight - we have not been to the movies in a few months - it is going to be a good date night. He wants to see 88 minutes to live - it is his turn to pick.

Tomorrow - I am going to the Nestie Philly GTG - I am so excited and so nervous - I am pretty shy around new people - it takes me awhile to warm up to new people - but is should be a good time and it will be so nice to meet people who are going through the same problems as me.

Rented Juno Last Night

It was a really good movie - I wanted to see it in the theater but I read a bunch of posts on the nest of girls who went to the theater to see it and it made them cry so badly - so I decided against that - it came out on DVD yesterday so I went right after work and got it. Of course it made me cry like a big baby - Jennifer Garner played a wonderful infertile women - she was so believeable - I always like her has an actress and I think she is a great mom - from the pictures I see with her and her daughter she always looks so happy - always has a smile on her face. My favorite part of the movie is when she ran into Juno at the mall and felt the baby kick - I also thought it was so cute at the end when she was holding her son for the first time and she asked Juno's stepmom how she looked holding the baby - that is totally something I would say.

Freaking Out

He is really started to get upset and worked up over this whole IF situation. I guess he is finally starting to realize that IVF may be our only option and may have to be what it takes for us to get pregnant - he is freaking over the cost - he said that is his main concern - the cost - he does not want to spend that much money on something that many other people get for free - either do I - but we do not have much of a choice. Then the other day I suggest getting a second opinion and that I wanted to call and set up an appointment for some time in June - well he freaked again - he said he does not want to start all over again from the beginning and have to do all the testing all over again - which we would probably have to do - maybe not all of the testing but some of it. He said he does not want me to contact anyone until after the 3rd IUI - so for now - we are just going to concentrate on saving for IVF and our 3rd IUI - no more talk about second opinions or lap surgeries - I do not want to freak my husband out anymore.

Second Opinion

I have decided that if this 3rd IUI does not work next month - that I am going to get a second opinion - I just do not have a good feeling about how my treatment is going and how my RE's office conducts business. I have been hearing alot of good things about an RE in Bryn Mawr and I think I am going to make an appointment for sometime in June.

I guess my SIL is right - I am too negative - look how I have already written off this 3rd IUI as a BFN.

I just do not have much hope that any IUI will work - Dh's morph and motility are so low - it just seems impossible

In other news I put in my time to go visit my brother - we are going in June and I am so excited. I cannot wait to meet my new niece and see my brother - I miss all of them - I have not seen them since they came up here for a visit back in September.

I Love Commericals

I watch way to much TV and I love commericals - I love the new Comcast commerical - where the guy tries to put the cable wire into the new HDTV and the TV keeps spitting it out - so funny -I just laugh and laugh and I love the slowsky's too - especially the new one where he is on the treadmill and he is feeling the burn but barely moving - DH thinks I am nuts because I enjoy commericals more than the the actual tv shows. I also watched The Office last night - I have only watched it a few times - but it was so so funny last night - I guess I can relate to it because I work in an office - but the way the whole case always makes faces towards the camera - it is so funny - I was sitting in the living room all by myself (DH had went to bed) and I was cracking up - my neighbors must think I am nuts.

Tired

I am in such a pissy mood right now -because I am tired of this whole infertility thing. I am tired of waiting, I am tired of hoping each month to only get let down each month, I am tired of all the doctors appointments and having to leave work and then having to make up the time, I am tired of my RE - who I think has no clue and is not listening to me, I am tired of all the drugs that make me feel like crap, I am tired of all the poking and priding, I am tired of all the pregnant women and babies around me, I am tired of everyone asking when we are going to start a family, most of all I am tired of wanted a baby so bad and not having one.

Some Pictures of my Nieces

My brother finally sent me some pictures of my new niece Sadee and I wanted to share one - I also posted a pictures of my other niece Emma.

Today is my mom birthday

She would of been 59 years old - I cannot believe she has been gone 8 years - she passed away on October 3, 2000 at the age of 51 - and I was only 19 and my brother was only 17 - we were too young - she was taken to soon.

It did not go as I hoped it would

The doctors appointment did not go so well. He wants us to do one more IUI with Clomid and then have wants me to have Lap Surgery in order to continue with additional IUI's - he said that there was no point in doing an injeactable cycle - because it would just have me produce way to many follies and then the cycle would get cancelled - this time he did not push IVF as much - he kept saying how young I am and that I have time. HELLO - I AM TIRED OF WAITING. He did not make me feel any better at all - he kept saying maybe there is a hidden problem with me - that my eggs are so young - they should make up for John's bad sperm. Then he said that even though John's sperm count was going up - his motility and morph were still very very low. I do not think I am going to do the surgery. John and I decided we will do two more IUI's with Clomid - one in May and one in July and if they do not work - we will do IVF in October. That is our plan as of right now - I am trying to think positive and I am hoping that this 3rd IUI will work next month - like they say 3rd times a charm.

Big Appointment at RE today

I am so nervous - me and John are going to meet with our RE today. I have not seen or spoken to him since he gave us our dx back in October. The nurses do everything including my past two IUI's - which both failed. I wanted to meet with him to see what our option are - and if we even have any options. When we met with him back in October he said our only real chance for success was IVF and it would be a waste of time and money to do IUI's, but we were not ready to do IVF at that point - both financially and emotionally. Plus now John's counts keep going up and up - they went from 12 million to 15 million to 36 million and at the last IUI it was 59 million - so I am hoping that we still have a real chance with IUI's. I am hoping that maybe the doctor will put me on a higher dose of Clomid or do a Clomid and Injectable cycle. I want to see what he says - but I am so scared and nervous that he is just going to say what he said last time we talked to him - that IVF is our only real option for success. We just never thought this would be our reality and it is kinda hard to swallow - so for now - I am hoping for good news today.

Sadee Lynn is finally here!!!

My new niece Sadee Lynn was born today at 8:23 am.

She is 8 pounds, 11 oz. and a week overdue - My SIL original due date was March 29th.

But she is finally here and looks so much like her older sister Emma. Both Mom and baby are doing well.

I am so happy and proud to be an Aunt again - I cannot wait to meet the newest addition to our family.

Me and John will take a trip down there the first week of June.

What Nobody Told Me About Trying to Conceive

It got this from the Nest and I really like it.

That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.
That my sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.
That conception of our child could occur in the doctors office and probably will.
That the longer I try to conceive, the more pregnant women spring up around me.
That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.
That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.
That living my life in two week increments would be the normal thing to do.
That I never knew how much I wanted to see those 2 pink lines...until only one shows up every month.
That I have no control over some of the goals I set.
That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen.
That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.
That miscarriage is so common.
That I would wish we had started trying to conceive earlier.
That my friends' pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy.
That it wouldn't happen the first time I didn't use birth control like I was led to believe in school.
That I wouldn't know how important a baby was to me until it took so long, and I realized what I was willing to go through to make it happen.
That my husband is the most wonderful and caring man!
That it is insensitive to ask people when they are going to try having a baby!
They might be trying and having difficulties just like me!
That women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!
That simply relaxing will NOT get me pregnant.
That I could have been rich by saving the money I spent on condoms/birth control pills, which were obviously unnecessary. That had I bought stock in Clearblue Easy I'd have my mansion on St. Pete's Beach in Florida by now.
That having my period show up would make me cry, no matter whose bathroom I was in.
That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to trying to conceive.
That talking about sex with fellow women who are trying to conceive would be so easy.
That one day all of this will make me stronger.
That no one I know would have any understanding as to how I feel.
That infertility is not as rare as I was led to believe.
That I am very bitter towards unmarried accidental pregnancies, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pregnancies. That someone I thought to be my best friend would hurt me by saying that she was sick of hearing about my efforts at trying to conceive.
That some people just say the wrong things.
That I would be so sad.
That my friendship with my real life girlfriends would suffer because they got pregnant after being off the pill for 3 weeks. That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things I will ever have to go through.
That I HAVE to have sex even though I don't feel like it.
That HAVING sex with my husband is not an option for getting pregnant.
That people would pity me and feel sorry for me.
That I would feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to".
That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so badly
That it does not get easier ... each cycle is harder than the last.

They just keep creeping in..

The bad thoughts that is... I have been having such a nice break - really just enjoying myself, having a glass of wine at night when I go home and enjoying my time with John and my friends but then last night I was writing in my journal - I do not write in my journal very often, maybe once a month if that - just to write down what is going on in my life so I have something to look back on when I am old and gray - anyway - I have had this journal since 1999 - like I said I do not write in it often - well I knew I was coming to the end of the journal - the pages were running out - but I figured I would get pregnant by the end of the journal - especially after starting treatments - so I would just start a new journal that would be my pregnancy and baby journal but sadly - I came to the last page last night and I am still not pregnant - it made me very sad - I guess it sounds stupid but it did - now I have to start the new journal as a T-TTC journal and hopfully one day it will become a pregnancy and baby journal but who knows now. So before bed and again this morning the bad thought have been creeping in - I look at our smallest bedroom - we nicknamed the baby room - because when we moved in it was blue with baby bears all over it - we painted is sage green - it is right next to our bedroom and I thought sage green would be nice for either a boy or a girl - right now all that is in there is a pull out couch for when my brother comes to stay, a table and a lamp - but I stood in the door way of the room last night before I went to bed and thought - I wonder if this room will ever live up to its name - I wonder if a baby will ever sleep in here. Then I started thinking - what if this never happens - I do not know if I would be able to live a childfree life and as I brushed my teeth I was thinking we started TTC when I was 24 and I am going to be 27 in August - I could have a one year old by now.

My Godmother Freaked Me Out

My Godmother is the best - is she 75 years old - yet I can talk to her on the phone for hours and hours - I love all the stories she tells me about my mom and dad - I just love her to death. Anyway - we were talking about my IF and she said that was her biggest regret - see she does not have any children because she was not able to concieve. She said she wishes she would of did more, tried harder, even adopted - but back then they did not have the procedures they do now. But she told me not to give up and to do wahtever it takes to have a baby because she wished she would have. I got a little freaked out - what if we can never have a baby - am I going to regret it for the rest of my life? I guess I better take her advice and stop at nothing to have a child of my own.

Loving my break

I am loving my break month right now - it is probably because it is just the beginning but I love they way I feel. I have already lost 3.5 pounds - I am not bloated at all anymore and I actually fit into my clothes. (Side Note: I am thinking I may buy a few things, especially pants that are a size or two bigger for treatment cycles) I am not tired or cranky - it is great. I am hoping for a break cycle BFP - but the likelihood of that happening is slim - but hey I girl can dream! I am sure I will be singing a different tune in about a week when I am ready for the break month to be over so I can start another treatment cycle.