They just keep creeping in..

The bad thoughts that is... I have been having such a nice break - really just enjoying myself, having a glass of wine at night when I go home and enjoying my time with John and my friends but then last night I was writing in my journal - I do not write in my journal very often, maybe once a month if that - just to write down what is going on in my life so I have something to look back on when I am old and gray - anyway - I have had this journal since 1999 - like I said I do not write in it often - well I knew I was coming to the end of the journal - the pages were running out - but I figured I would get pregnant by the end of the journal - especially after starting treatments - so I would just start a new journal that would be my pregnancy and baby journal but sadly - I came to the last page last night and I am still not pregnant - it made me very sad - I guess it sounds stupid but it did - now I have to start the new journal as a T-TTC journal and hopfully one day it will become a pregnancy and baby journal but who knows now. So before bed and again this morning the bad thought have been creeping in - I look at our smallest bedroom - we nicknamed the baby room - because when we moved in it was blue with baby bears all over it - we painted is sage green - it is right next to our bedroom and I thought sage green would be nice for either a boy or a girl - right now all that is in there is a pull out couch for when my brother comes to stay, a table and a lamp - but I stood in the door way of the room last night before I went to bed and thought - I wonder if this room will ever live up to its name - I wonder if a baby will ever sleep in here. Then I started thinking - what if this never happens - I do not know if I would be able to live a childfree life and as I brushed my teeth I was thinking we started TTC when I was 24 and I am going to be 27 in August - I could have a one year old by now.